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AIBU?

Would you nose around a partner's ex wife's house if you had the chance?

89 replies

IamaPopof · 13/01/2024 12:50

This is prompted by the "Destroy and do not read" thread.

I had to look after my partner's ex wife's house for a few days when he had to work away and I had to feed the dog. It was my first time there without him. Would you use this time to nose around a bit - look at the various rooms , open her wardrobes etc and just be plain nosy or would you feed the dog and leave?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

146 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
85%
You are NOT being unreasonable
15%
HellsToilet · 13/01/2024 13:04

If you're next of kin and you're sorting out their affairs after death then it is up to you, you cannot hurt someone who is dead. If they are alive then it is a violation as they have a right to privacy or if they're dead and you're not next of kin, then you're violating their family's privacy and grieving process.

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Fionaville · 13/01/2024 13:05

There was a time when I'd have had a look round the rooms, but I wouldn't have opened cupboards or drawers.
I wouldn't now though, assume everyone has indoor cameras!

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Prawncow · 13/01/2024 13:05

I feel the same way about the other thread. The posters saying they’d ignore a ‘destroy without reading’ instruction from a dead relative are the same people who would read open mail on a friend’s sideboard and snoop around someone’s house if they were per sitting.

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Prawncow · 13/01/2024 13:06

Pet

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Potentialmadcatlady · 13/01/2024 13:07

Feed and leave!! But then I wouldn’t be doing it in the first place and I’m a dog/cat minder…

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CinnabarRed · 13/01/2024 13:08

XH and his (absolutely lovely) second wife asked me to feed their cats once when they were on holiday with our DCs/her DSCs. I didn’t snoop, and actually felt no desire to do so. I literally went into their kitchen to put down food and their utility room to change the cat litter, and that was all.

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StragglyTinsel · 13/01/2024 13:09

Absolutely not.

I am a very private person and I hate people poking around in my stuff. There is absolutely no way I would be poking around in someone else’s house. It’s a dreadful thing to do to someone.

Even more so if it’s your husbands ex.

If the person is dead, my decision would be entirely based on whether I am supposed to be clearing their stuff. Even then, I would be uncomfortable and wouldn’t be reading letters they kept and other things that are none of my business.

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gluggle · 13/01/2024 13:09

Fionaville · 13/01/2024 13:05

There was a time when I'd have had a look round the rooms, but I wouldn't have opened cupboards or drawers.
I wouldn't now though, assume everyone has indoor cameras!

This

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Namerequired · 13/01/2024 13:10

Don’t do undo others what you would not want done to you. Feed the dog and leave. Also she may have set traps where she will know if someone snooped.
The same goes if someone is deceased. If they have specifically said to destroy without reading then you do so.

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StragglyTinsel · 13/01/2024 13:10

HellsToilet · 13/01/2024 13:04

If you're next of kin and you're sorting out their affairs after death then it is up to you, you cannot hurt someone who is dead. If they are alive then it is a violation as they have a right to privacy or if they're dead and you're not next of kin, then you're violating their family's privacy and grieving process.

You might hurt yourself by finding out things you’d rather not have.

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IamaPopof · 13/01/2024 13:10

SoOutingWhoCares · 13/01/2024 13:02

@IamaPopof I'm not missing the point of either thread. You just don't like my answers.

No. It's never acceptable. For the reasons I've outlined.

No you are assuming what I did and deciding that I don't like your answers. Two lots of assumptions - always a mistake.

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PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/01/2024 13:12

No! And as pp said: hidden cameras are a possibility. Or a camera at the front door, she might wonder why feeding the dog takes so much time...

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IamaPopof · 13/01/2024 13:12

The hidden cameras are interesting - so that is a reason why we wouldn't do it but if that were not the case then maybe?

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HellsToilet · 13/01/2024 13:14

StragglyTinsel · 13/01/2024 13:10

You might hurt yourself by finding out things you’d rather not have.

Yes, but that is your choice to make. You might hurt yourself in many ways. If you don't want something discovered after you die, destroy it yourself. What are you keeping it for when it may cause pain?

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PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/01/2024 13:15

IamaPopof · 13/01/2024 13:12

The hidden cameras are interesting - so that is a reason why we wouldn't do it but if that were not the case then maybe?

I would not do it because I would hope that she wouldn´t do it to me either.

But even if I wanted to do it and felt like I somehow had the right, I´d still consider the possibility of a hidden camera, doorview camera etc.

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Lampzade · 13/01/2024 13:17

Absolutely not.

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BoohooWoohoo · 13/01/2024 13:18

I’d want to have a look but would be paranoid about hidden cameras.

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Ilovelurchers · 13/01/2024 13:19

There is a tendency on here, and to a lesser extent on the internet in general, for posters to claim an extreme degree of morality (in some aspects such as honesty, respecting privacy, being generally law abiding, respecting property rights etc - (not so much in generosity and compassion). This isn't reflected by the behaviour of people I meet in real life..

My sense based on almost 50 years of knowing people is that there would be a wide sliding scale, between: not looking at all; peeking into the odd room; opening some cupboards; thorough fingertip search......

For me it would actually depend on what I felt about the woman. Most of my current husband's exes I am indifferent to, so I wouldn't bother to look beyond maybe a peep into a few rooms if I liked her decor or whatever. He has a couple who I dislike, because I believe they have been inappropriately flirtatious with him since he and I got together, have badmouthed me and in one case been quite rude to my face. In honesty, in the unlikely event I decided to do these women a favour I would not feel especially constrained to respect their privacy and would open a few cupboards if I felt like it. I accept some will judge me for this but I've never claimed to be perfect.

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All2Well · 13/01/2024 13:20

You seem to be missing the point of my thread. It is a moral one and I am interested in seeing how the two compare. Perhaps read the other thread too.

I'm intrigued OP, seeing as that poster simply stated the golden rule and gave their moral perspective, and also by your subsequent quite odd responses...

What exactly IS the point of your thread?

Most people have stated it would be morally wrong. You appear to be looking for loop holes (so it would be ok if there were no hidden cameras etc). What are you really getting at here?

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GreyCarpet · 13/01/2024 13:22

No. I wouldn't.

I had a friend who would leave bank statements and credit card bills on the kitchen table when I went round. I always put something over the top to cover them so I couldn't accidentally see the numbers on there.

Wouldn't dream of actively snooping.

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Fionaville · 13/01/2024 13:23

IamaPopof · 13/01/2024 13:12

The hidden cameras are interesting - so that is a reason why we wouldn't do it but if that were not the case then maybe?

I've always loved looking round people's houses since I was a kid. The best case scenario is when the host asked if I'd like a tour because they've just moved in or decorated etc. It's not the act of snooping I like, just seeing the house and how they've got it.
So I would look round the rooms (not cupboards) if I was 100% sure of no cameras, but you can never be sure now, so I wouldn't.

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Jl2014 · 13/01/2024 13:23

No. That’s fucked up

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IamaPopof · 13/01/2024 13:24

All2Well · 13/01/2024 13:20

You seem to be missing the point of my thread. It is a moral one and I am interested in seeing how the two compare. Perhaps read the other thread too.

I'm intrigued OP, seeing as that poster simply stated the golden rule and gave their moral perspective, and also by your subsequent quite odd responses...

What exactly IS the point of your thread?

Most people have stated it would be morally wrong. You appear to be looking for loop holes (so it would be ok if there were no hidden cameras etc). What are you really getting at here?

The point is to see what people say! Perhaps I should have done a poll. I'm wondering how people would react. And AS I SAID it was the other thread that reminded me of this situation .

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StragglyTinsel · 13/01/2024 13:25

IamaPopof · 13/01/2024 13:12

The hidden cameras are interesting - so that is a reason why we wouldn't do it but if that were not the case then maybe?

No. Because it’s not ok to go looking through someone else’s house/stuff.

Sadly, I can easily believe that a lot of people would only not snoop because they were worried about being caught on camera though. There are too many people with no respect for other people’s boundaries.

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LenaLamont · 13/01/2024 13:26

I would definitely have a quick shufti at the decor, I love other people's houses.

I wouldn't go nosing about upstairs or owt, or opening and closing drawers. It's none of my business. But colours in the living room or the painting in the hallway? I'd have a look.

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