To invite my grandad to live with is?

[PinkPlantCase]

My grandparents are in their mid 80s, my grandma is in palliative care and doesn’t have very long left.

For a while I have been mulling over the ideas of inviting my grandad to live with us after my grandma passes away. We are a young family with baby and 2 yo but we have a 5 bed house (one of the bedrooms wouldn’t fit a single but is great for a cot/toddler). One room is a study for wfh. We live about 15 minutes drive from them and he knows the area well as he grew up around here.

My grandad absolutely adores DC and has so much fun with them, he’s very active. A keen runner, he still does a 5k atleast ever other day. On a treadmill if it’s too cold/icey. Mind as sharp as a whistle. I hate to think of him being lonely. Together my grandparents had looked at a few assisted living places but they always concluded that grandad would miss having a garden, garage and shed to potter about in.

We’d keep the kids in childcare, we’d all be out of the house during the day on weekdays so apart from maybe the odd evening once the kids are in bed we wouldn’t be asking him for childcare.

I wondered if anyone else had done similar? I assume he wouldn’t sell his house to protect the money for if he needs residential care later down the line? I like to think he could stay with us for a very long time but also appreciate there are aspects of dementia etc. where it’s no longer safe for someone to live at home with out people around 24/7. Not that he shows any of that at the moment.

I think you'd be crazy to do this but each to their own

If your DH is onboard and you are set on it

I'd suggest grandad keeps his place and has a room in your house and splits his time between the two....so he comes for Sunday dinner and stays until breakfast on Wednesday or whatever

I can’t believe you don’t mention what your husband thinks

100% no i would not
for everyone’s sakes including my grandpa . at this age when deterioration on health kicks on, it kicks in quick generally

Read the threads on the elderly parent board. Look ten- 15 years down the line.
lovely idea now- but look with your eyes open

where are your parents ie their children in the equation?

He’s been on board about it when we’ve discussed it in the past. Obviously it’s becoming less hypothetical now so would need a more in depth discussion. But there hasn’t been any resistance from him about it generally. They get on well.

You have to bear in mind that your grandad might not always be so active and might need a lot of help. He might also not like the noise and mess of DC. He might not want to do childcare, or be capable of it. I suggest you simply ask him over more often. Also, bear in mind that as the children get older you we will be busier with them at weekends. All in all, I think this is a bad idea unless you can give him self contained accommodation. He would be much better off moving into a retirement flat or similar.

Yeah this is really one to run past DH before randoms on the internet. And be prepared for him to want to do the same with one of his relatives later down the line if you go for this. Are you prepared for that?

Sorry X post about whether DH is on board but my point about him wanting to do the same still stands.

I think it's amazing to do this, so selfless. Do make sure your husband is on board and you do need a contingency plan for if your grandfather develops dementia or has other care needs - will he have the funds to self pay for a care home (the threshold where social services will step in is fairly high). Think through all the scenarios and how you would cope with small children and a grandparent needing care, can you cope? How do you feel about carers coming into your home? None of this could end up happening, he could live to 95 with no care needs go to bed and never wake up but you need to be prepared.

I think it obviously depends on how others feel about it, but is a lovely idea. Where are your parents in this too?

And of course think through the out of the ordinary things … what if he/you/DC are sick/injured short/long term (all combinations). What if he/you don’t like it after a while? What if he starts a new relationship?

I think PP’s suggestion of splitting time between his house and yours in a routine is a good one and I have seen that work.

This sounds like a good arrangement

We have done the same and know of other families where multi generational households work.

Just have arrangements for privacy and boundaries. Respect for each other and it works out just fine. Great in fact.

I wouldn't do this, as kind and lovely as it sounds. My MIL invited her 88yr old dad to live with her and my FIL after her mum passed away; they were really close and got on very well. He's been living with them now for about 4 years and she openly admits that given the chance again, she definitely would not offer. It has put a real strain on my in-laws marriage just because of having someone else in the house all the time and them never having time to themselves.

I think you'd be mad tbh.

Yes he's fit and well now, but a few years down the line you could end up looking after school age kids and an elderly unwell person with numerous hospital/optician/clinic appointments who struggles with the noise kids make, and you'll be running yourself ragged trying to keep up.

Don't get me wrong, I did all those things for my grandmother so I'm not heartless. But being able to go home afterwards saved my sanity. It's not like you can have him for a few years then kick him out when it gets hard work.

The other thing you have omitted to mention is whether your grandad would actually want this?! It seems a little patronising to just assume that he will want to leave his house and move in with you. He may value his own time/space/independence and be quite happy to just pop over for tea some nights or whatever.

You also need to think of the financial implications. It’s a no from me but I wouldn’t be prepared to do any caring. Why not wait a bit first.

A main part of my thinking was that we have a big house and are already in a caring period of life. We probably all (meaning the young and the old have something to gain from intergenerational living)

My parents are about to downsize and start an early retirement. I am fairly sure they wouldn’t ever move a parent in with them. I haven’t discussed the idea with them though, so I am running it by randoms on the internet first 🤣 My parents would help with medical appointments etc.

@zigzag716746zigzag I had not considered that he could get into a new relationship!! Good points all round.

We have a big garage with w/c that we’d been meaning to convert at some point. That would probably be a better solution. But we’ll see. I do like the idea of inviting him round more and seeing how things go. Him knowing he can use the spare room anytime etc.

I agree with the poster who said just invite him to stay for a couple of nights each week.

Instead of inviting him to live with you full time why not test the waters and see if he would like to stay two days a week.

this way you can both see what works, living with your children may not be his cup of tea

What happens if another relative becomes widowed would they come to live with you too? Some assisted living places have communal gardens which they let residents help with. Could get an allotment and there is an organisation called Men in Sheds which has groups around the country

So if it all works fine great if not then what? After he has moved in that is

I was going to suggest an annexe or similar but the garage situation could work. You would need to consider his belongings, he will have a fair bit that will be sentimental

Lovely idea op, As you are all on board with it then offer him the option.

I personally think it would be lovely, although I get this is against British culture. My grandmother lived with us and it was so special, I also gave two friends who lived with a grandparent and loved their time.