To invite my grandad to live with is?

[PinkPlantCase]

My grandparents are in their mid 80s, my grandma is in palliative care and doesn’t have very long left.

For a while I have been mulling over the ideas of inviting my grandad to live with us after my grandma passes away. We are a young family with baby and 2 yo but we have a 5 bed house (one of the bedrooms wouldn’t fit a single but is great for a cot/toddler). One room is a study for wfh. We live about 15 minutes drive from them and he knows the area well as he grew up around here.

My grandad absolutely adores DC and has so much fun with them, he’s very active. A keen runner, he still does a 5k atleast ever other day. On a treadmill if it’s too cold/icey. Mind as sharp as a whistle. I hate to think of him being lonely. Together my grandparents had looked at a few assisted living places but they always concluded that grandad would miss having a garden, garage and shed to potter about in.

We’d keep the kids in childcare, we’d all be out of the house during the day on weekdays so apart from maybe the odd evening once the kids are in bed we wouldn’t be asking him for childcare.

I wondered if anyone else had done similar? I assume he wouldn’t sell his house to protect the money for if he needs residential care later down the line? I like to think he could stay with us for a very long time but also appreciate there are aspects of dementia etc. where it’s no longer safe for someone to live at home with out people around 24/7. Not that he shows any of that at the moment.

God, no. You need to go and look on the elderly parents board on here to see what issues you could be facing. It is all well and good saying what a beautiful post about caring for a Grandma but did you read the personal care bit? That is bathing them, dressing them, depending on their needs helping them clean up after going to the toilet, changing their incontinence pants. Could you do this for your Grandad and would he want you to?

We have a friend who says one of his memories of his Grandad is him shitting his pants and his Mum chasing after him because he refused to believe he needed changing so was happily sitting on their sofa in his soiled clothes. Yes the Grandad lived with them.

Dementia, strokes, cancer all come fast, we have experience of all of them in older family members, literally fine, active, and then boom a stroke followed by a more severe one 4 months later.

They say a dog isn't just for Christmas... If you take him in, you will likely have him with you the rest of his life. I know he is 80, but people can live much longer. What I am saying is that your very kind deed is actually a massive commitment, that you will find difficult to extract yourself from if the situation. Just make sure everyone is on board and not just high on their own excitement, and ignoring the longer term implications. GL all, whatever you choose

Sorry to read about your gran 💐

I became a carer for my nana in her 90s and had her live with my family and I.
It was hard over lockdown, a older child needing home schooling and 2 toddlers bored to death, and she became extremely nervous about covid and distressed by the lockdown. It was going really well up until that point, which shows you really can't prepare for everything.
So even with everything originally going fab, outside factors made it become really intense. And when she passed away my children really struggled because they'd seen her so much daily so we all grieved terribly.
I'd 100% do it again and would love to have her back, however it can be really tough with how much older people quickly deteriorate. Things they do independently suddenly become your job, I don't think she ever made herself a cup of tea again from the day she moved in, something she could manage when she could no longer cook.
That was why she came to me, she wouldn't have carers in and wouldn't allow strangers to assist her with cooking, let alone when she started needing help to go the toilet etc, but caring for her changed our relationship. She could be rude when embarrassed, annoyed when I needed to sort out the toddlers, cross with me for things out of my control. And the kids got on her nerves also, she'd gone from peace and quiet to a really busy house.
I adored her and miss her but through her frustration she was quite unpleasant to me at times and whilst understandable, she was elderly and fed up, it can tarnish the memory of her somewhat at times.
For all the good things about having her live with us and I can't express enough, it was 100% the correct choice for us all, it didn't come without its downsides and I'd really consider those.
Just one example, much older people generally can't stomach the same foods we can in our your younger days, so you're potentially going to be making 3 different meals with different snacks throughout the day and it's such a small thing, but it really does add your time up.
It can be a wonderful thing, living with our elder relatives and I think my children benefited in tons of ways, time spent with her, learning patience, making them more comfortable around elderly people but things like needing to get home before 4pm so nana could have her soup, was very limiting.
Its such a huge thing you're commiting to even suggesting it to your grandad and he sounds wonderful, but really give it some thought. I wish him all the very best ❤

Are you planning to have any more children?

Have you factored in what might happen in worst case scenarios eg if you separate from DH or if you die before Grandad or DH?

There was an MN poster who ended up with MIL still living with her after the poster’s partner died, and it was a nightmare as the MIL’s health deteriorated

@Lwrenagain were you SAHM?

Not at the beginning but the more care she needed made it impossible to continue with working. I did nights to accommodate child care but when her physical health declined and she needed help to use the toilet or even drink, I stopped working. Luckily I suppose, I had a job with crap pay and I was agency staff so I didn't have any regular service users or colleagues I missed etc, so leaving my job wasn't any drama. Had I had a flourishing career I'd have been really quite stuck.

i imagine this approach will be greeted with relief from you husband OP

being fine with it when it’s completely theoretical is very different to sharing his home with a very aged relative.

and have you considered in 2 years time when your eldest is at school and back much earlier than nursery hours?

This is the best shape your grandpa will ever be.
Everything from now on is downhill.
I 100% would NOT do this. I nursed MIL through dementia and honestly it nearly killed me.

If you are adamant, do it on a trial basis, with no promises and a very set time frame. It will give you an idea of what's involved.

Another thought - the hospital / social services will discharge him happily before he’s medically fit and ready, because you’re there to care for him. My dad lived on his own so they reluctantly organised a care package, but they’re not going to lift a finger to help organise any support for you all when you’re a sitting duck in the same house.

My parent had my widowed grandad to stay, with the same plan/idea. It lasted 8 weeks or so. They’d set him up with a tv in his bedroom but he wouldn’t stay in there, became like a limpet following them around the house. Would sulk if they went out without him. They felt completely suffocated. All involved were relieved when they all finally addressed the elephant in the room that it wasn’t working. Grandad went home and ended up not needing full on care (but that’s just luck).