To invite my grandad to live with is?

[PinkPlantCase]

My grandparents are in their mid 80s, my grandma is in palliative care and doesn’t have very long left.

For a while I have been mulling over the ideas of inviting my grandad to live with us after my grandma passes away. We are a young family with baby and 2 yo but we have a 5 bed house (one of the bedrooms wouldn’t fit a single but is great for a cot/toddler). One room is a study for wfh. We live about 15 minutes drive from them and he knows the area well as he grew up around here.

My grandad absolutely adores DC and has so much fun with them, he’s very active. A keen runner, he still does a 5k atleast ever other day. On a treadmill if it’s too cold/icey. Mind as sharp as a whistle. I hate to think of him being lonely. Together my grandparents had looked at a few assisted living places but they always concluded that grandad would miss having a garden, garage and shed to potter about in.

We’d keep the kids in childcare, we’d all be out of the house during the day on weekdays so apart from maybe the odd evening once the kids are in bed we wouldn’t be asking him for childcare.

I wondered if anyone else had done similar? I assume he wouldn’t sell his house to protect the money for if he needs residential care later down the line? I like to think he could stay with us for a very long time but also appreciate there are aspects of dementia etc. where it’s no longer safe for someone to live at home with out people around 24/7. Not that he shows any of that at the moment.

My friend did this and it was wonderful. Dont get me wrong, very hard in the later years trying to care for the grandmother who had illness and then passed away. But prior it brought so .uch joy to their DC to have grandma in the house all the time. They had many special years together

Have you a I asked him ? He may not want to move

People have a granny's annex sort of arrangement where they can maintain a level of independence.

Watch their own TV and have privacy. However you are all still close by if need be.

I know for many it seems too much. However for us it has really worked well and it has added to our life's.

This 100%

I would keep it as an option rather than a plan, at present.

My family (parents, 2 aunts and an uncle) have all remained independent at home until 90s and counting… the 2 still living are 94, doing their own meals, getting out and about etc. with varying degrees of help (cleaner, someone to help with a big shop).

You grandad may find it cramps his style to move into a household with young children , meals at their / your time, noise early morning, evening and weekend but needing to keep quiet during your working day.

Lovely idea OP. You seem to have thought it all through. I envy your grandfather. In the past your suggestion would not have appeared an unusual one as families kept their old folk at home with them. Obviously if he was to become too frail for living with you that would be a different scenario.

Definitely this.

It might be very hard to access care later on should he need it, it's hard if they think they're being cared for already despite being at work.

If you are all out during the day will he not get lonely?

There will be an assessment. They just just don't 'think they are being cared for' and leave you to it.
The assement will look at all current arrangements in the household and then offer care package that is appropriate.

I don't think it's a terrible idea, if your dh is on board. Intergenerational living can be wonderful, but you need to go in with your eyes wide open and consider it from all angles. Your grandad is clearly in good physical and mental health right now, and his mind is still sharp, but that could obviously change and you need to consider how you'd deal with that.

My dh is from a culture where older people routinely live with their younger relatives. In many cases, it works brilliantly but it can be hard work for the younger generation on whom the care falls.

I am not from that culture but we also had my grandfather living with us for a while when I was a teenager. He was a very lovely, gentle man who respected our space and didn't impose his ideas on us. I think it was hard work for my mum as he needed a lot of care, but I loved him being there and I think my mum was grateful for having had the opportunity to do what she did for him.

You need to really think about it though. As well as the big questions around care, it's worth thinking about how you manage the little things. E.g. eating habits - do you all like to eat the same kind of food, do you have mealtimes at the same time each day? Watching TV - lots of old people like the TV on all day with volume blaring, could you cope with this? And who gets to control the remote?! Children playing - will he find their noise difficult to cope with? Not like having to walk around their toys etc? Bathrooms - not sure how many you have but do you have enough to comfortably accommodate an extra person? Pets, if you have them etc.

I think it's a wonderful thing to do for your grandad and you shouldn't be discouraged by people who wouldn't ever dream of doing this, but you do need to think about it very carefully, from your point of view and your dh's, from his point of view and also what it will mean for your kids. Good luck, whatever you decide!

I'm sure that's the theory but wasn't my experience.

My friend has done this, they built an extension to accommodate him, and it works really well.

I wouldn't because my dad is horrible and lazy.

In my opinion situations like this only work where the elderly person has completely separate living quarters. For me this would mean sleeping, cooking and bathroom space.

I'm from a culture where this is the common place way of looking after ageing family members. My grandma lived with us until her mid 90s, we did all personal care etc, she had a beautiful, comfortable last decade and died peacefully at home in her own bed. We have absolutely no regrets. It was a happy time although of course hard work. She had several strokes and was completely bed bound for the last year, but we were able to manage between ourselves, Direct Payments and district nurses. My DNs would visit and were very young at the time (6-9) and if anything, even seeing her towards the end, it was more beneficial to them to understand how ageing and dying was a part of life and how there can be a lot of good come out of looking after others and being loving and kind to our elders. They are adults now and have lovely memories of those times.

I'm doing the same for my parents although they are still really quite independent and some current problems could be temporary. I find that colleagues don't understand at all and frequently try and pressure me to "put them in social care"...this is merely based on one recovering from an operation and needing some help with mobility when out, meals cooked etc...not even needing assistance with any personal care, and being fine pottering about at home and the other being diabetic. There's no way either of them would be eligible for social care right now but the attitude in my workplace is that you have to be mad to care for your own relatives at home.

Honestly, just do what is best for you and your family. But know it is possible and the moments of self sacrifice are worth it. I doubt you will get much support on here as it is quite counter cultural but if you want to do it, and your grandad wants it, I just want to let you know it absolutely can be done and can be a positive experience.

Also, if his needs become too great, then there are other options if needs be. The decision doesn't have to be permanent. As a family we have always used the phrase, "you have a place in our home for as long as we can safely meet your needs" and that is something both sides have been happy with.

I'd maybe set it up as a spare room just for him with an open invitation of him being able to say over whenever he likes!

And see how it goes from there

This is just a lovely post. I showed it to my family, and they thought the same.
This is what we hope to achieve and think it is great how other cultures have manage well and benefit.

Obviously all familes have different dynamics personality and history.
All these factors will influence the decisions.

For us it worked well. We are enjoying our life's.

I think you sound like a lovely person and your grandparents are so lucky to have you. Do what's going to bring your heart contentment.

Thanks all, some useful points to consider.

We haven’t asked what he thinks yet, he would obviously be welcome to say no!

I like the idea of him coming round more often and going from there.

You don't have space, do you? 5 bed house, two children in own rooms and office does leave one spare, but you have said that one wouldn't fit a single bed, so is suitable only for toddler age. What happens when the children get bigger and need a full size bed?

This is such a beautiful post. Thankyou. I know in other cultures intergenerational living is much more common.

If he is fit as a flea why wouldn’t he want to remain in his own house?

and when he is not fit as a flea the strain on your marriage will be huge.

We always planned to swap the baby room with the study as DC got older so we would still have a spare double room.

Toilets/bathrooms are probably the bigger issue. We only have the family bathroom upstairs.

I really think this is a good first step as it is a supportive arrangement and gives everyone flex…

Ie.

• He can come more if he is ill/ you need childcare cover?
• less time if you need alone time as couple
• Less time if grandad gets a new lady friend and needs alone time…😉

etc etc

I think it’s a lovely idea but practically you might need to make some changes, any possibility of extending to give him a self contained bedroom/bathroom?