To wonder why people don't give crying newborns back to parents

[Owlsoutsidethewindow]

If parents are in the room, I really don't understand why people who are holding a newborn baby would continuing holding them after a few minutes of crying?

For context, baby started crying, I'm sat waiting for baby to be handed back, person holding baby starts walking to the other end of the room with back to me and stays there for a minute. I ask for baby back and it is met with surprise.

Unless you know the parent has said "please could you keep hold of them while I do something else" or that that is their general stance, I don't understand why people don't pass them back and are determined to try to settle them themselves? Like they get a prize?

No, not PFB, just don't like hearing my baby cry in somebody else's arms when I'm right there and able to settle them quickly. Yes, my older children have good relationships with all extended family, before people ask.

Just head over to them and take your baby back. Be polite but firm.

I used to like it if people tried to settle my baby rather than handing them back immediately.

It was the ones who enjoyed the calm cuddles but threw a crying baby straight back who annoyed me

I think you have to use your words as people aren't mind readers. They probably think that they are giving you a break from always being the one to settle the baby.

Maray1967 oh I do. Everyone around me should know I don't let my baby sit with other people crying when I'm there and able to settle them. They want their mum, and I don't like hearing them crying.

A lot of people are sensible and know that if baby is crying then they go back, I'm not sure why some others are determined to try to settle them themselves.

Assuming it was a friend or loved one, I'd be trying to settle baby to give the parents a break. If they said give him here if course is hand then back but I always appreciated people who wanted a cuddle trying for a minute or so instead of stuffing baby back at me cos their cuddle toy was broken

I hated this too op. I used to get a sharp stabbing pain when they cried, and they settled so quickly for me. When you ask for the baby, people should pass them back.

Mind you I also used to get a bit ragey that dh would push the babies back at me when they cried and not attempt to settle them himself.

Pre children I would have thrown a baby back. Now instinct takes over and you try and settle the baby yourself.

Everyone around you clearly doesn’t know that, what’s stopping you immediately saying, ‘can you pass baby back please’?

Just say what you’re thinking rather than moan about people not being mind readers.

When I was young I heard lots of complaints from mothers about how people only want to hold a baby if they aren't crying and the minute they start they hand baby back to mum and want nothing to do with them. So I believed it was rude to hand back a crying baby without at least trying to settle them.

9/10 I can settle a crying baby (or prempt tears before they start) in seconds. If I can't settle quickly I hand to a parent. If I can see a parent getting antsy the second baby cries, I will ask "do you want him back or do you want me to see if I can settle him?".

I try my best to do what a parent wants but I'm not psychic so I'm not sure what variety of "that's so rude", they are...team "handing baby straight back" or "team not handing baby straight back". It would be so much easier if they'd just say. Nicely and without making you feel like shit.

Personally I was delighted if anyone wanted to have my baby when it was crying. No one ever did 😁

This, and other similar posts.

It would make me quite angry if people chucked the baby right back at me as soon as they grizzled. Like they were only there for the 'sweetness and light' moments, and not to support me at all.

Seems we are in the majority (from the replies. I never get it when the poll is opposite from all the comments).

This!

Perfect answer really.
The thing is, some babies are criers so if a visitor does a bit of walking, jiggling, shushing for a bit it allows you to rest.

If you don't like this say so, it's very easy to say pleasantly "oh I'll take her, she probably needs a feed" or similar but people aren't wrong to not instantly chuck the baby back, they are just thinking along slightly different lines to you.

Which is the problem when the mother doesn't speak up, contrary to the OP's view, people probably think they're being helpful.

God forbid they were maybe just trying to give you a break and settle them.

But of course it's MN so they are being VERY unreasonable

People who aren’t used to babies might think the crying means the baby wants to go back to its mother. We aren’t mind readers, as pp pointed out.

Use your words

As above. Many parents are glad of the break and don't appreciate getting a crying baby slung back at them because the person just wants to use them for a cuddle.

We've had family members explicitly hand their baby over to other family because they could settle them.

If someone holding a baby is able to settle them then I see nothing wrong and think it is good for a baby to get used to being settled by multiple people. In my experience when a baby has cried, parents get all apologetic and ask if you are ok with them and most people don't want to hand a baby back when the going gets tough. If a parent wants a baby back they need to communicate it as in this situation people have very different opinions.

It’s odd when people do not return a crying baby to its parent. A baby is crying for a reason, return the baby !
I hear you OP, always drove me mad that people did not have the sense to do this and looked shocked when I said can I have the baby back please ?

Some people might think they’re helpful and giving the parents a break. If anyone hangs on to your baby after you ask them to hand them back, then that’s not on at all.

I remember that feeling. I'd just ask for baby back after a minute of crying.
I think some people don't want to be rude like 'ugh a crying baby, you can have this one back' or they want to help and give you a break. Also, a newborn babies cries don't sound nearly as loud or urgent to anybody but the mum. I always give crying babies back after 30 seconds or so of trying to sooth them myself.

Yes - this has bothered me before, e.g. when it's painfully clear that the baby is hungry, but some people will insist on trying to rock her to sleep. Always best to check with the parents. "Do you want to go back to mummy/daddy?" is pretty effective. Lets the parents respond in a low key way.

They probably think they're being nice and giving you a break. Lighten up. Your baby will be fine without you for a few minutes, in fact it's probably good for them to be held by other people

I voted that you are being unreasonable @Owlsoutsidethewindow, which I did because I still believe (after reading the full thread up until 2.30am) that the vast majority of people who don't give you your baby back as soon as he or she starts crying, are holding on to your baby to try and soothe them for you, to give you a break.

I also find it difficult to believe that once you or Dad ask for their baby back, they are not returned immediately! Maybe I am naive, but I think that someone would have to be very ignorant to not give the baby back straight away once one of his or her parents have asked for them.

However, I don't think that you are being unreasonable to actually want your DB back as soon as they start crying. I breast fed my babies, and I also wanted them back as soon as they started crying. My milk would start leaking almost as soon as my breasts 'heard' the first tiny whimper 🙈

I hope that you can soon sink into a state of happy enjoyment with your dear baby OP - even if that is mixed in with a very normal, but still unfortunate, state of exhaustion xx

I wouldn’t immediately give back a crying newborn either as I’d assume parents wanted a break if they handed them to me. If you don’t want people to try and comfort your baby then don’t hand your baby over

If you were "sat there" as you say in your OP I would be assuming you wanted a break and would probably try to settle them too - not for long though and if you asked for them back I would of course return them! But if I want my baby back I go and take them or explicitly ask for them.