To wonder why people don't give crying newborns back to parents

[Owlsoutsidethewindow]

If parents are in the room, I really don't understand why people who are holding a newborn baby would continuing holding them after a few minutes of crying?

For context, baby started crying, I'm sat waiting for baby to be handed back, person holding baby starts walking to the other end of the room with back to me and stays there for a minute. I ask for baby back and it is met with surprise.

Unless you know the parent has said "please could you keep hold of them while I do something else" or that that is their general stance, I don't understand why people don't pass them back and are determined to try to settle them themselves? Like they get a prize?

No, not PFB, just don't like hearing my baby cry in somebody else's arms when I'm right there and able to settle them quickly. Yes, my older children have good relationships with all extended family, before people ask.

Because the parent always has to deal with the crying baby and because I have had babies, my automatic response is to try to pacify the baby and not hand it back when it does what a baby inevitably does.
NB see various threads and anecdotal moans about mums not being given a break.

Lots of people haven't read my post, I did ask for baby back. I give it a few minutes first to see if baby settles without me, they don't, so I ask for them back. I am surprised people don't give them back with crying escalating rather than settling.

And for the pp that said how would people around me know this, I was the same with my other children. Shouldn't be a surprise to people that after a few minutes if baby isn't settling, back to me please (unless I've explicitly said "baby has been very grizzly all day, can you try to settle them for me please because I need a break" which I said a few times but not regularly at all).

Giving me a break would be picking the others up from school and cooking them tea for me, not me listening to crying 😂 (lighthearted)

Are you saying more than one person you know does not give your baby back when you explicitly ask? If so, you have some weird relatives/ friends.

I think it's reasonable to not give them back immediately if the Mum isn't right there (in the shower), if Mum is eating the last mouthfuls of a tasty meal or if you know the baby enough to know that small efforts of pacifying will result in a happy baby fairly promptly.
Every one I know would hand back the baby if the mother made any move towards it. If she seemed chilled then I would try the pacifying but hand back baby if it didn't settle in a few seconds.

I've never seen a person not hand back a crying baby when Mum was there and if baby didn't settle quickly.

Gosh no, if they started crying with them then they can try to settle them for a few minutes, if that doesn't work then I'd have them back. Far too many want to just do the hold the happy baby and not deal with the tears.

This. Couldn't get worked up about this OP...at least they are interested/trying to be helpful.

Because maybe they want to continue cuddling baby and hope baby will stop crying, which they often do. Or maybe they want to give mum a break.

Hmm…

I had this approach first time round and I now have a DC who won’t really be settled by anyone other than me. 🙈 So I’ll be very happy for someone to settle them next time, even if it takes a little longer- obvs not too long. Showers were a pain with a screaming baby in the background and I’d often have to rush out to settle. Then I heard that phantom screaming the times my DC was actually fine!

Also, people aren’t mind readers: just tell them if you feel so strongly about it. They clearly think they’re trying to help you in the really hard early days.

I think this may be one of those things that is down to the individual mum. I'm very anxious and would get a physical pain when this happened, even with dc3. Other people are relieved for the break and happy to let the baby be settled by someone else.

To be helpful- to give you a break and see if they might be able to settle them as you’ve got the baby an overwhelming amount of the time and might want just a few minutes not holding them to finish a cup of tea or something. I’ve done this before never would’ve occurred to me that the mum was quietly seething about it.

I'm very anxious and would get a physical pain when this happened, even with dc3.

I think this is reasonable. We produce stress hormones when our babies begin to cry more intensely so it's completely fair that this is stressful and you want them back.

I'll add that in this scenario I didn't have a cup of tea and wasn't doing anything. I actually stood and moved towards them when they turned around. Hence me thinking, well I've give them two minutes, then ask for them back.

Honestly I would turn it around to think how lucky you are to have someone that wants to help. Many of us had no one to hold the baby crying or not.
If you feel they need a feed and are BFing then obviously ask for them back. Personally I think it's good for babies to find comfort from other people, not just reliant on their Mum especially if you intend to leave them at any point in the next year or so!

I think it's polite to ask something along the lines of "shall I hand her back, or do you want me to try and settle her for a minute?".

For context, baby started crying, I'm sat waiting for baby to be handed back did you ask?

Yeah it annoyed me too. I had really bad post natal mental health and snapped at someone who decided they'd just take the baby for a walk to see if they could settle them. It wasn't pretty but WTF it's my child.

I agree totally

I often liked to take baby back when it was mine crying, but lots of babies will settle if the cuddler stands and wiggles, as long as it isn't a hunger/ wet nappy cry. Some close relatives were good at settling him by jigging about though if he was just hot or uncomfy. It's pretty normal for someone to stand and try, just as normal as handing the baby back. If you as mum don't like it or can feel its hunger (my boobs always knew for hunger), then ask for the baby back. Not handing a baby back in request is weird, unusual and inappropriate; luckily didn't happen for us; delay any more visits from those people if you have them around.

Instinct takes over to try and comfort them, not 'reject' them.

This doesn't apply to the instinct/experience that tells me somebody's baby is about to projectile vomit or practically lift themselves out of their nappy with something voluminous and smelly, though. I'm giving them straight back when I can tell that's about to happen.

If the mum asks for the baby back, you're a twat if you don't hand them over. Because the baby won't remember who did or didn't settle it on this occasion, but the mum sure as hell will remember you ignoring her.

MIL ran off with my son at a party a few weeks ago. He'd been giving hungry cues when we arrived , but I gave him over for a quick cuddle whilst I nipped to the loo, and was making his first "mum, food" experimental cries when I came back. He had just had his jabs too so was pretty unsettled.

I asked for him back, and MIL put on a baby voice saying "it's ok mummy, I'm happy over here". She's lucky I didn't deck her.

She handed him back after she'd done her photo ops, howling, and struggling to latch. To top it off I had mastitis and REALLY needed to feed him.

If the mum asks for the baby back, you're a twat if you don't hand them over. Because the baby won't remember who did or didn't settle it on this occasion, but the mum sure as hell will remember you ignoring her. hell yeah! Never forgiven.

My baby is v fussy but will settle if someone stands/moves and sways (if it’s not hunger or nappy) and my BIL always takes initiative to try settle baby when she starts crying by doing this and this gives me a much needed rest which I’m grateful for!

Good grief some of these posts are so over the top.. How do some of you survive in the world getting upset so easily! Those saying you wouldn't forgive someone for not immediately giving baby back. The relative I assume is try to help give you a break, it wouldn't often be a malicious thing! I found was helpful for other to settle baby as baby got used to other relatives settling them so it didn't always have to be me!
Made things so much easier when they went to nursery etc.

If course if crying was escalating and I was there and they just needed feeding it's quite easy to say thanks for trying, it's OK I'll take them as think they need feeding/changing etc.
Such over thinking... Couldn't get worked up about all this myself!

Yes agree. I would try to placate or settle a crying baby for hope it would give mum or dad a break.
I also used to regularly volunteer at a creche and we would try really really hard to settle babies/toddlers (most often succesfully) before going to get a parent. (Admittedly they weren't generally newborn)

So you see baby crying and leave them with the other person , but when you ask, they hand baby back? But they didn’t read your mind that before you spoke they should’ve somehow known to pass baby back even though you were not saying anything….?

Are you purposely looking for something to be offended by?