To wonder why people don't give crying newborns back to parents

[Owlsoutsidethewindow]

If parents are in the room, I really don't understand why people who are holding a newborn baby would continuing holding them after a few minutes of crying?

For context, baby started crying, I'm sat waiting for baby to be handed back, person holding baby starts walking to the other end of the room with back to me and stays there for a minute. I ask for baby back and it is met with surprise.

Unless you know the parent has said "please could you keep hold of them while I do something else" or that that is their general stance, I don't understand why people don't pass them back and are determined to try to settle them themselves? Like they get a prize?

No, not PFB, just don't like hearing my baby cry in somebody else's arms when I'm right there and able to settle them quickly. Yes, my older children have good relationships with all extended family, before people ask.

You know you can reply to her doing a ‘I’m ok mummy’ silly voice and say no MIL he needs feeding that’s why he’s howling pass him back please?

Oh wow, really? I had NO idea...

Sarcasm aside, it doesn't stop her being a twat.

Before you leave the house, put a notice around your child's neck informing everyone that they must immediately throw them back to you at the merest sign of a wimper
Will save you having to fume

I would usually try to settle the baby of a friend or relation -not just hand it back straight away. I wouldn't try for long, though. But certainly for a few minutes.

So many future nightmare MILs on this thread insisting you should be grateful for being given a break! Listening to your hungry baby scream while someone insists on attempting to rock them to sleep isn’t much of a break. If a baby is crying, you always offer to hand the baby back. Obviously, fine to keep hold while mum is making a bottle/looking for the changing bag etc. I found it really uncomfortable as a FTM when people would walk out of the room with my screaming newborn, and ignore me asking for her back to feed etc.

So many future nightmare MILs on this thread insisting you should be grateful for being given a break!

I mean, potentially any mother could be a 'future MiL' , but if you actually read all the replies, people on this thread have replied using their experience of being the mother of the newborn. Just because you might feel differently from the majority of posters on this thread, doesn't make everyone else a "future nightmare MiL".

Exactly. People are trying to be helpful and they are not mind readers.
Personally I don't want to hold a carrying baby but I also don't want a parent to feel I'm passing them back because I've had a lovely quiet cuddle and now I can't be bothered
One thing I've noticed is that when people have babies they become really judgemental about others and expect them to automatically know their parenting techniques and preferences

My MIL used to be desperate to be the one who could soothe the baby, but she couldn't because the baby was crying for me. It annoyed her, and I felt like she was making it a competition. Particularly as she'd then scold me for feeding - she majorly disapproved of breastfeeding and was insistent that the baby wasn't crying from hunger. She was a very loving grandmother and a good person, but she made that period unnecessarily stressful. When my newborns cried, I had a physical need to hold them - it's instinctive and natural. Someone trying to muscle in on the mother and baby bond is upsetting for both mother and baby! I think she believed the caregiver would be interchangeable if we'd only bottle-feed and then the baby would love her as much as me, but all brand new babies need and want their mum! (And yes, dad too)

I’m guessing it’s MIL or SIL 😂

YANBU.

Anyone sane can’t wait to pass a baby back to parents once it’s into established crying!!

Precisely all of this.

This thread should really be titled "I hate my MIL". 🤣

Incidentally-if a baby was due a feed why on earth would you hand it to anyone else for a cuddle? All that does is produce 3 unhappy people.

Who are these people? I practically throw the baby back at its parent the very second they start to cry.

YANBU

If a parent asks for their baby back, you hand them back.

I don’t understand how that is a difficult thing to do.

Baby starts crying in my arms, I look to the parent and ask them if they want their baby back or would they like me to try and soothe them. May wait a little longer if parent is eating though but would still look to them to see their response.

Well, from my example, I needed two minutes to pee and grab some water.

Further to that, my baby is, for want of a better word, anxious in new environments. He'll decide to feed just to check that food is still available in this strange new place.

But I must say I think it's odd that you've never encountered a cluster feeding baby since you're such an expert. I was happier to hand off my baby as a squishy newborn who didn't care who was cuddling him after a feed than a squirmy and opinionated 10 week old.

As for MIL vs my own mum, I'd say that my MIL is a mostly lovely woman (my mum generally has myriad faults) who happens to be very overexcited and overwhelming about my baby, whereas my mum will actively check whether I want the baby or need him off my hands for a minute. For her, loving the baby and me means putting us both first. Whereas it's super clear that my MIL will put herself first, baby second, and me as an afterthought. Not on purpose, but one can hardly help pick up on the vibe and vote with your feelings.

When mine was younger she didn’t like anyone! And I appreciated those that tried to settle her. But normally they would hand baby back when they realised that it was not working. Also babies often gravitate more towards a person more than one. Sometimes there was absolutely nothing wrong with baby but they just wanted someone familiar to hold them. I also realised it’s highly dependent on personality too.

There is no harm in letting baby cry for a little bit. I do find that it made my life easier a year later when baby was used to other people and not only me. As it’s very hard to be independent.

I stayed with a friend whose one year old only ever wanted her and she was cooking and dealing with raw chicken and she left him with me for a bit (minutes at a time) until he got used to me. It took a day or so - but it’s not always a bad thing.

This!

If a baby is crying, you always offer to hand the baby back.

Except if you know any of the numerous PP who have said they dislike this because it's like you don't want to deal with the crying

I think the onus is on the parents to say "I'll take baby back now". If you're just sat there and not actively asking for the baby back then people will assume you want a break.
Whenever I've been holding a friend's or family baby and they've started crying, I've tried to hand them back to "no they'll settle in a moment", and to be fair they usually do settle again quickly.

I think people feel like a bit of a failure to hand back a crying baby so they try to resolve the situation themselves. I tend to just give them a clear off-ramp by going over and saying ‘he’s probably hungry, I’ll give him some milk’ and taking him back. Easy.

The OP talks about a ‘newborn’ which (in my experience) could mean a feed is due immediately after he / she was last fed or in 3 hours. It’s really not possibly to predict.

I used to hatr this too op. It was like leople wang to be the one the stop them crying for some weird reason.