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AIBU?

Aibu to end a relationship over bad kissing

70 replies

Devilledavocado · 12/01/2024 23:11

I'm 44 and divorced . Have been seeing someone really lovely for around 6 months. He's a widower and I really don't want to break his heart, but I'm increasingly feeling like we are just not in sync. And the most evident thing is the kissing is really bad.

I love kissing. Would happily be a teenager and spend hours snogging. And have kissed a lot of frogs esp since my marriage broke up and been told a number of times that I'm a really good kisser. But since I met this man it has always been a closed mouth peck and I'd given up. Then around a month ago we were drunk and ended up talking about it and it turns out he thought i kissed weird and he would love a good snog... So that night I finally ended up with a red chin for the first time. But since then we've been trying but it's actually worse.... It's like we are out of sync with each other and trying to get into sync makes it hard work and stressful and not the carefree enjoyable thing I want. Worse, his way of getting into it is to grab my hair and yank my head round, which, even if I didnt have a bad neck, just doesn't feel good. I already had to ask him to stop yanking my ponytail during sex as it just feels wrong and now it seems it is the only way he can get into kissing. But once he does that it puts me off completely...

This has now been going on long enough that I feel we've given it a shot and if we stay together I'm never going to enjoy kissing ever again. And I'm not sure I can accept that

AIBU to care whether I get a good snog ever again?!

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

242 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
2%
You are NOT being unreasonable
98%
brokenbitbybit · 12/01/2024 23:13

Nah sack him off. Sounds like he spends too much time watching porn. I think my Fanny would close up 🤢

Hankunamatata · 12/01/2024 23:19

What the hell are you doing - would have been my response the first time he grabbed my hair or pulled my ponytail during sex

ManateeFair · 12/01/2024 23:34

I think you’re incompatible physically and it would be best to call it a day.

Devilledavocado · 12/01/2024 23:36

Hadn't occurred to me it came from porn, but I did say it felt controlling and asked him not to... When really I thought it felt rapey

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/01/2024 23:36

Just say bye bye. Full stop, end of. Just bye bye.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/01/2024 23:36

If you’ve given him feedback and he doesn’t care enough to amend his behaviour you need to bin him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/01/2024 23:37

I have just had a second date with a man I'm incredibly emotionally and value based compatible and I'm about to tell him it won't work.
We had a snog at the end of the date yesterday and I didn't like it . when he sounded turned on I thought he seemed like a pervert. He did nothing at all wrong except seem to enjoy kissing me. If it was the right guy I would have loved it.

'If you wanna know if he loves you so it's in his kiss' springs to mind!

Soonenough · 12/01/2024 23:41

It is so awful isn't it ? Nothing worse and too bad if he is otherwise a nice guy . I spent too long with the wrong guy because I just loved the snogging .

Candleabra · 12/01/2024 23:43

Ewww no. The bad kissing alone is enough to warrant binning him off but the other stuff wtf? Grabbing your hair? Get rid.

Aria2023 · 12/01/2024 23:54

Ah, bad kissing is the worst 😕. I don't think I'd be able to put up with it. You've tried and it's obviously not getting better, so it's unlikely to tbh. I feel like good kissing is a comparability thing, you're either in sync or you're not and sadly, you're not.

HashBrownandBeans · 12/01/2024 23:57

Bad kissing is a 100% dealbreaker for me. The one time I ignored it I ended up in an awful semi-serious relationship that was equally awful. Just say no!

Devilledavocado · 13/01/2024 00:03

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/01/2024 23:37

I have just had a second date with a man I'm incredibly emotionally and value based compatible and I'm about to tell him it won't work.
We had a snog at the end of the date yesterday and I didn't like it . when he sounded turned on I thought he seemed like a pervert. He did nothing at all wrong except seem to enjoy kissing me. If it was the right guy I would have loved it.

'If you wanna know if he loves you so it's in his kiss' springs to mind!

I think I'm in the same boat. It's really turned me off. He sent me essentially a sext out of the blue the other day and I was just repulsed. He followed it up an hour or so later with a "hope that wasn't out of line" message to which I said it was because he knew i was at work. But really it didn't matter where I was as my reaction was horror not delight. Confused

i think I do need to end it with him but I just can't face the stress of doing so and don't want to hurt him when he is lovely and well meaning mostly

OP posts:
Rockschooldropout · 13/01/2024 00:07

Urrggh .. just reading it has left me cold .. you aren’t compatible physically .. chuck him back

RedMinnie · 13/01/2024 00:09

47 votes at a 100% YANBU. There’s your answer right there.

The kissing alone is something that can be worked on (sometimes). But the yanking of the hair and other shit? Sounds so awful, just move on

Devilledavocado · 13/01/2024 00:11

RedMinnie · 13/01/2024 00:09

47 votes at a 100% YANBU. There’s your answer right there.

The kissing alone is something that can be worked on (sometimes). But the yanking of the hair and other shit? Sounds so awful, just move on

I'm really surprised, I expected to be told not to be ridiculous!

OP posts:
Ownedbykitties · 13/01/2024 00:12

You're right. you are out of sync. It won't get better. He likes to be rough and dominant with you and you don't like it so it's just not the missing. Run.

MiIz · 13/01/2024 09:41

You've got the ick, you need to put your feelings first on this.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2024 09:51

i think I do need to end it with him but I just can't face the stress of doing so and don't want to hurt him when he is lovely and well meaning mostly

Come ON, op. You'll stay with a man who is absolutely dreadful and makes you feel gross just because you can't deal with dumping him? You aren't running a fucking charity here. Don't be daft. Dump and move on.

LittleMonks11 · 13/01/2024 09:59

Oh my god. End this today.

Some mumsnetters compose brilliant words for this kind of thing.

Hopefully one will be along soon to help you untether yourself - before he suggests tethering you literally. Which doesn't sound like your cuppa at all.

BCBird · 13/01/2024 10:09

Kissing is so important. It's a shame your discussion didn't bring about any change. My previous partner showed me the way he liked to be kissed and kiss. It was not what I was used to as my previous partner to him was rougher. There should be a way around this poor kissing if u both wanted a solution. I agree re end it if he's not listening.

Schoolrunmumbun · 13/01/2024 10:29

The hair pulling is the thin end of the wedge for some horrible stuff he's picked up from nasty porn. Dump dump dump.

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/01/2024 10:35

What I don't understand is that he was giving you closed mouth kisses and thought you kissed weird?

Toomuch44 · 13/01/2024 10:45

Putting aside the kissing issue, I don't like having my hair touched - sounds silly I know. You could address that with him, but if the kissing issue is the real deal breaker, then I think you move on.

Aydel · 13/01/2024 10:48

Is he of the washing machine variety (tongue going round and round at speed in your mouth), the dead slug (tongue just flops into your mouth and stays there) or the pointy stabber (makes his tongue all hard and pointy and jabs rhythmically into your mouth)?

Aydel · 13/01/2024 10:49

Or the Labrador - where he produces so much saliva that your face gets a good wash too?

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