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AIBU?

Aibu to end a relationship over bad kissing

70 replies

Devilledavocado · 12/01/2024 23:11

I'm 44 and divorced . Have been seeing someone really lovely for around 6 months. He's a widower and I really don't want to break his heart, but I'm increasingly feeling like we are just not in sync. And the most evident thing is the kissing is really bad.

I love kissing. Would happily be a teenager and spend hours snogging. And have kissed a lot of frogs esp since my marriage broke up and been told a number of times that I'm a really good kisser. But since I met this man it has always been a closed mouth peck and I'd given up. Then around a month ago we were drunk and ended up talking about it and it turns out he thought i kissed weird and he would love a good snog... So that night I finally ended up with a red chin for the first time. But since then we've been trying but it's actually worse.... It's like we are out of sync with each other and trying to get into sync makes it hard work and stressful and not the carefree enjoyable thing I want. Worse, his way of getting into it is to grab my hair and yank my head round, which, even if I didnt have a bad neck, just doesn't feel good. I already had to ask him to stop yanking my ponytail during sex as it just feels wrong and now it seems it is the only way he can get into kissing. But once he does that it puts me off completely...

This has now been going on long enough that I feel we've given it a shot and if we stay together I'm never going to enjoy kissing ever again. And I'm not sure I can accept that

AIBU to care whether I get a good snog ever again?!

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Am I being unreasonable?

242 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
2%
You are NOT being unreasonable
98%
ZiggyZowie · 13/01/2024 10:53

I can't stand kissing personally ,find it disgusting.
All my boyfriends were wet and sloppy.
Unfortunately my husband is too.However, we just don't kiss as I made it clear I hated it.
We have been happily married for 40 years despite this.

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ChimChimeny · 13/01/2024 10:57

I'm surprised you've been having sex if he is a bad kisser, such a big part.of sex for me is the snogging beforehand to get in the mood
Definitely bin him off

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vdbfamily · 13/01/2024 11:03

I find the whole kissing thing fascinating. My DH and I snogged all the time pre marriage and kids but slowly it stopped. When I talk to married friends, the same happened with almost all of them. I don't know why. Neither of us miss snogging at all. Still have sex so not related to that either.

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Meadowflower2023 · 13/01/2024 11:12

@Aydel I was wondering this too! 😂

See now I love a good passionate snog especially before sex and it can really get the mood going. It would really put me off if a chap wasn't very good at it, not sure I'd get turned on at all. Also I think with the hair pulling thing, if a man is good at it, its consensual and done properly this can be a great part of sex but if you've told him no OP and that you don't enjoy it, he really should have listened and changed his ways.

Definitely get rid.

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Devilledavocado · 13/01/2024 11:49

Aydel · 13/01/2024 10:48

Is he of the washing machine variety (tongue going round and round at speed in your mouth), the dead slug (tongue just flops into your mouth and stays there) or the pointy stabber (makes his tongue all hard and pointy and jabs rhythmically into your mouth)?

Literally none of these, that's part of the problem, I don't think I've encountered this before and it's hard to put a finger on. Just out of sync. Previously just no tongue at all which was like running up against a brick wall, now no tongue until he decides to ramp it up a notch and yank my head about and I feel like I'm racing to keep up... It's like when my robot hoover hits a patch of carpet and changes gears🤔- think I've just put my finger on it actually- it's like it's something he's doing to me rather than with me- there's no natural rhythm which is why out of sync is the best way to describe it.


And yes I've got the ick. Kissing is a massive part of how I get aroused so I'm not. And the message the other day had the opposite effect too

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Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2024 11:52

And yes I've got the ick. Kissing is a massive part of how I get aroused so I'm not. And the message the other day had the opposite effect too

Ok... So now what? You're just going to stay with him and be unhappy because you can't handle ending a relationship?

You should have dumped him ages ago.

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Devilledavocado · 13/01/2024 11:54

Funnily enough Mumsnet suggested a related thread and I just found the correct category🤣


f) the Lips Firmly Closed and Pursed. Like kissing Granny goodbye, but no pound coin is slipped into your hand.
🤔

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Ownedbykitties · 13/01/2024 13:32

Aydel · 13/01/2024 10:49

Or the Labrador - where he produces so much saliva that your face gets a good wash too?

🤮

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LittleMonks11 · 13/01/2024 18:08

Has he been practising on his blow up doll? Hence feeling like you're not actually a sentient being in the process?

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PinkEasterbunny · 13/01/2024 18:11

ManateeFair · 12/01/2024 23:34

I think you’re incompatible physically and it would be best to call it a day.

This

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Snowydaysfaraway · 13/01/2024 18:13

Grim reading op. Bin him off...

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Devilledavocado · 14/01/2024 16:35

Right, after a load of messages from him saying he knows he annoyed me with the inappropriate lewd text and is really sorry I've said he should come over tonight after my kids have gone so we can talk about it. Going to be completely explicit- as if he really hasnt understood my repulsion at the hair tugging,or if he is trying to kiss me passionately and just missing the mark then maybe we can work on it.

Part of me is wondering whether he has just swung the other way since I said he didn't snog and so he's going to extremes with the hair yanking speed kissing and doesn't realise there is a happy medium he has hopped over

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Devilledavocado · 14/01/2024 16:38

And he's a widower who had only been kissing his wife for the last 20 years and nothing for the last three so maybe he really doesn't know how and jumped straight to the porn version of yanking my head around so that he can fully examine my tonsils 🤔🤣

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wellhello24 · 14/01/2024 16:41

Ugh the hair pulling. Excessive porn watching & it’s violence is seriously ruining relationships. And the men that watch it (vast majority) so much have normalised it & brainwashed themselves. ICK. What’s also bad is you have asked him to stop & he’s not listening. I was seeing a guy who kept biting me really damn hard and when I told him to stop as it hurt he said oh sorry ok and then simply carried on doing it. I dumped him in the end.

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muddyford · 14/01/2024 16:42

I did. It was like being attacked by a sink plunger with teeth.

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Devilledavocado · 14/01/2024 16:46

He was also biting me so much I was covered with bruises and I had to ask him to stop that too... God I am quite glad I don't watch porn if this is what it's like

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Howbizarre22 · 14/01/2024 16:49

Devilledavocado · 14/01/2024 16:46

He was also biting me so much I was covered with bruises and I had to ask him to stop that too... God I am quite glad I don't watch porn if this is what it's like

Honestly these days it’s a sorry state of affairs for women. Porn is everywhere with the message it’s ok to physically hurt women & demean them & theyll like it. Or at least should put up with it.

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CryptoFascist · 14/01/2024 16:55

Just read through this thread and one of the suggested ones at the bottom (and remembering the Tongue Erection thread from a few months ago), and it's really interesting how there seems to be a general consensus on what "good" and "bad" kissing is. So why are there so many men who can't kiss? Are as many women bad kissers as men? I've only had poor feedback once and that was someone who complained I didn't work up to putting my tongue in, fair enough. I took that feedback on board though and don't get so eager.
Sorry OP but on the flip side I've never been able to get anyone to change their kissing technique.

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CryptoFascist · 14/01/2024 16:56

Devilledavocado · 14/01/2024 16:46

He was also biting me so much I was covered with bruises and I had to ask him to stop that too... God I am quite glad I don't watch porn if this is what it's like

OMG. Red flag.

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Klcak · 14/01/2024 16:57

Devilledavocado · 14/01/2024 16:46

He was also biting me so much I was covered with bruises and I had to ask him to stop that too... God I am quite glad I don't watch porn if this is what it's like

WTAF
In the bin

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JMSA · 14/01/2024 16:59

I used to date a guy who was a bit of a 'rough' kisser. I used to go home with a red chin and most of my make-up scraped off from his stubble. I hated it!

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FictionalCharacter · 14/01/2024 17:02

Yep, he's pornsick. Porn is full of men slapping women about and yanking their ponytails hard. The women respond by making extravagant orgasm noises. There's no kissing and it's usually very rough and violent.

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Mischance · 14/01/2024 17:05

Well it is very clearly time to end this "relationship" - the pulling hair during sex would have made me send him over the horizon and yet your post is about him being a bad kisser!

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FictionalCharacter · 14/01/2024 17:12

Howbizarre22 · 14/01/2024 16:49

Honestly these days it’s a sorry state of affairs for women. Porn is everywhere with the message it’s ok to physically hurt women & demean them & theyll like it. Or at least should put up with it.

Absolutely. Most women have no idea of the violence and abuse in the porn their men watch.
@Devilledavocado He's hurt you already with the biting and hair pulling. Unless he commits to changing his behavior he will keep doing it and probably hurt you more badly. Personally I'd get rid right now.

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OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/01/2024 17:19

Personally I think you are wasting your time.

The hair pulling was the red flag for me.

The biting - I would have run !

Did he treat his wife that way ?

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