My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

Aibu to end a relationship over bad kissing

70 replies

Devilledavocado · 12/01/2024 23:11

I'm 44 and divorced . Have been seeing someone really lovely for around 6 months. He's a widower and I really don't want to break his heart, but I'm increasingly feeling like we are just not in sync. And the most evident thing is the kissing is really bad.

I love kissing. Would happily be a teenager and spend hours snogging. And have kissed a lot of frogs esp since my marriage broke up and been told a number of times that I'm a really good kisser. But since I met this man it has always been a closed mouth peck and I'd given up. Then around a month ago we were drunk and ended up talking about it and it turns out he thought i kissed weird and he would love a good snog... So that night I finally ended up with a red chin for the first time. But since then we've been trying but it's actually worse.... It's like we are out of sync with each other and trying to get into sync makes it hard work and stressful and not the carefree enjoyable thing I want. Worse, his way of getting into it is to grab my hair and yank my head round, which, even if I didnt have a bad neck, just doesn't feel good. I already had to ask him to stop yanking my ponytail during sex as it just feels wrong and now it seems it is the only way he can get into kissing. But once he does that it puts me off completely...

This has now been going on long enough that I feel we've given it a shot and if we stay together I'm never going to enjoy kissing ever again. And I'm not sure I can accept that

AIBU to care whether I get a good snog ever again?!

OP posts:
Report

Am I being unreasonable?

242 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
2%
You are NOT being unreasonable
98%
Topjoe19 · 14/01/2024 17:28

The kissing thing isn't great but you could possibly work it out. But pulling your hair & biting you is disgusting behaviour. Who the fuck does he think he is?? Bastard.

Report
14Times · 14/01/2024 17:48

Icky kissing aside OP, the non-consensual biting/bruising and hair pulling are assault. He’s not sweet/lovely, he’s a pornsick creep. I’d dump him over the phone rather than in person.

Report
BizzyMcWhizzFace · 14/01/2024 17:51

I would end it. The ponytail pull is bad enough but life it too short for bad kissing. I too love a good snog.

Report
Rockschooldropout · 14/01/2024 18:07

Devilledavocado · 14/01/2024 16:46

He was also biting me so much I was covered with bruises and I had to ask him to stop that too... God I am quite glad I don't watch porn if this is what it's like

Biting you ?!!!

Red flags waving here - OP seriously this man is not for you .. just reading about him is giving me the creeps

Report
Rockschooldropout · 14/01/2024 18:09

I’d text him saying it’s not working out - I wouldn’t even entertain him person .. it sounds like he can’t seperate porn from reality and this really is a major red flag ..don’t be taken in by the poor widower act .. how do you know he wasn’t like this in his marriage ?

Report
Namechangeforfriendpost · 14/01/2024 20:47

How did it go OP?

Report
Devilledavocado · 14/01/2024 22:15

So he swears he doesn't watch a lot of porn- I asked him outrightBlush- he said he physically couldn't as he has such strict WiFi controls for his household with teenage sons.

The biting thing wasn't an issue- he nibbled me once early on and I did find it a turn on but then he took it to extremes and I bruise extremely easily. As soon as he saw that he did stop straight away. Completely. And it wouldn't have bruised a normal person, I'm always covered in bruises and don't know how I got them.

So he said his wife did like him holding onto her ponytail sometimes 🤔 and he also said "and it's just playful right, it doesn't hurt you?" I said that my neck always hurts (he knows I have chronic neck pain that multiple surgeries haven't resolved) so yes it actually does hurt. And I don't think he had realised yanking my head around for kissing fell onto the same bucket but he does now.

On the kissing front, I think it's partly because of problems with his jaw, which I vaguely realised clicks sometimes but he said it sometimes gets stuck and painful if he opens his mouth too wide. So I think he has been yanking my head into the position he needs it to be in to avoid that.

Anyway he's gone home, I told him outright that I thought we probably weren't right for each other. He says he doesn't want to lose me and is very sorry.

Jury's out. He has generally been good about stopping things once I say that there is an issue and I do think he will take on board what ive said. Whether I will want to find out remains to be seen...

OP posts:
Report
FictionalCharacter · 14/01/2024 22:29

Hm. I wouldn’t be convinced by all his “reasons” tbh. Not being able to open his mouth wide is zero reason for him to pull your head around by your hair. And the WiFi excuse is nonsense. You can set controls for your kids and have unlimited access for yourself.

Anyway it’s good that he listened.

Report
PinkEasterbunny · 14/01/2024 22:36

If your physical relationship is so ‘off’ then I don’t think there’s any mileage in continuing

Report
betterangels · 14/01/2024 22:39

RedMinnie · 13/01/2024 00:09

47 votes at a 100% YANBU. There’s your answer right there.

The kissing alone is something that can be worked on (sometimes). But the yanking of the hair and other shit? Sounds so awful, just move on

This. You should dump.

Report
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/01/2024 22:41

You and his wife both have / had ponytails ? Gosh.

Report
Devilledavocado · 14/01/2024 22:43

I don't really believe that he doesn't watch porn at all- well maybe not now since we've been together but there was a three year period after his wife got ill where he would have had no sex life and didn't sleep at all and I'm sure he probably did watch a lot of porn then so those images would have been ingrained regardless of whether he watches it now.

OP posts:
Report
Devilledavocado · 14/01/2024 22:46

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/01/2024 22:41

You and his wife both have / had ponytails ? Gosh.

Is that so surprising? Most women stick their hair in a band if it's long enough to get in the way, don't they?!

OP posts:
Report
Bryonny84 · 14/01/2024 22:54

Ponytail during the day, of course. In bed though? I've never done that tbh but that's just me.

Report
dottiedodah · 14/01/2024 22:56

Look ,he sounds gross here ,reading about him gives us all the creeps! Biting you is a red flag for a start! You don't owe him anything so just tell him you don't feel compatible and try again with someone else

Report
Snowdogsmitten · 15/01/2024 10:59

Shit, it’s depressing seeing a clearly intelligent woman even considering staying with a man who literally horrifies and repulses her to spare his feelings.

Society has, and continues to do a number on women doesn’t it?

Report
betterangels · 15/01/2024 11:02

Snowdogsmitten · 15/01/2024 10:59

Shit, it’s depressing seeing a clearly intelligent woman even considering staying with a man who literally horrifies and repulses her to spare his feelings.

Society has, and continues to do a number on women doesn’t it?

Yes. Sadly.

Report
YouJustDoYou · 15/01/2024 11:06

oh god, just reading this gives me the absolut ick

Report
FictionalCharacter · 15/01/2024 12:46

Snowdogsmitten · 15/01/2024 10:59

Shit, it’s depressing seeing a clearly intelligent woman even considering staying with a man who literally horrifies and repulses her to spare his feelings.

Society has, and continues to do a number on women doesn’t it?

Absolutely. We are expected to #bekind to men, even when they hurt us (because surely they must have a good excuse for hurting us, right?) There is much less expectation that they should treat us with even the most basic level of decency.

Report
YellowJules · 15/01/2024 13:07

If you had a “rapey” vibe, you really must listen to that, I can’t stress this enough.

On a less disturbing level, the worst kisser I encountered kept kissing me open mouth, but sort of head butting my lower lip with two front teeth, I kept getting a split in the bottom of my lip. Just a little one that might happen from a dry lip, but still, horrible sensation. Once could have been an accident, twice and I was out of there.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.