To let my baby cry it out every single night? Is that what this is?

[SpicyMarg]

I feel a bit guilty because my baby is 11 months old and cries himself to sleep every night, and every nap too actually!

He was breastfed and would fall asleep quite happily on the boob but since stopping although he takes a bottle fine he doesn't fall asleep. I did used to give him his bottle and then rock him to sleep but he cried for way longer this way as he'd try and get milk from me and get distressed.

So now he has his bottle from me, I read him a story/sing to him, give him a cuddle for a few minutes and a kiss and say night night then leave the room. He cries for up to 5 minutes, on a good night he will only cry for a minute maybe less but some nights he will cry for about 4/5 minutes and then he falls asleep. If I go back in and pick him up and rock him he'll cry for even longer I find!

I read a thread on here about sleep training and someone mentioned how cry it out doesn't work in that they learn to self settle they just realise no one is coming and give up and it was gut wrenching because I've never done any sort of sleep training or so I thought, but am I putting him through 'cry it out' every single night?!

I suppose it's a question of what makes him more distressed. I would have said 1-5 mins of crying followed by sleep is easier on him than a whole load of lengthy rocking and crying, etc.

I don't know the actual right answer, but I wouldn't do that, definitely not at that age.

Well yes in theory but it’s possibly not helpful to think of it in those terms if the alternative is more distressing to him.
If it were 20 mins and he was screaming in distress I’d say you need to look at other options.

Cry it out is more than 5 minutes. Some babies do cry a bit before falling asleep. What you are doing sounds fine to me

Only if you’re wanting to teach him that no one comes when he cries.

A baby that gives up in less than 5 minutes wasn't that bothered I'd say!

5 minutes or less doesn't sound too bad for an 11 month old. Some babies do just cry before falling asleep as a way to disengage, and self-soothe. Would he still cry if you were in the room with him? I don't like the 'cry it out' thing, but I wouldn't really label what you've just described as that, to be honest, at his age, and for such a short time, especially if he's just 'tired crying' and isn't genuinely distressed.

I would say it is teaching him to give up becuase no one is going to come if he's crying. I wouldn't personally do it. But you're not going to have social services knocking on your door over it.

I did read in child psychology that for good attachment they need to expect a response from their caregiver. Not saying that you would constantly be responding, but to put them down and that's it seems a bit harsh and personally I couldn't do that because I would want to comfort them.

My 1st baby never went to sleep well and actually didn’t sleep through the night until he was 7 years old!

My 2nd baby (born 20 months after my first)….when he started crying at bedtime I thought I’d try the cry it out method. As I didn’t want to go through the same as k had with my 1st. He cried hard for 5 minutes and then was sick. I never did it again as I felt so guilty.

Its stayed with me even though they are late teens

I wouldn't do it now but perhaps i did now and again when mine were little.

However you've got to think of the fact that it is OK now as assume he's in a cot still so enclosed and not much else to do other than fall asleep. Once he can get out of bed and open doors you have a big problem on your hands. I had this problem with my first but learned from experience with the second and got him settling and middle bars off his cot so he could get in and out by 17 months. Made it a lot easier

Although depends also on what sort of crying it is, grizzling for a bit or full-pelt upset.

I do comfort him! If he ever cries I go and comfort him, literally the only time I don't is when I cuddle him give him a kiss goodnight because he will lie there when I leave, then he'll start to cry (a whiny tired sounding cry) and within 5 minutes he's asleep. On average I'd say around 2 minutes but it can be up to 5 so wanted to be honest. I'd never let him go more than that but he's always asleep by then. My exact logic was he cries more if I try and rock him to sleep but perhaps I should do that anyway so he doesn't feel abandoned?! That has never been my goal! I just thought maybe that's how he got to sleep, just how he kind of 'processed' being that tired/falling asleep transition. Well now I feel horrific!

Could he need more than a bottle? It’s a long time since my children were babies but they certainly had a little baby cereal as well from about 4 months. This used to settle them for a longer period and also help with wind pains.

It’s fine. 5 minutes isn’t very long and it’s the best case scenario in the situation. I think the whole thing about teaching them that nobody will come is rubbish, especially in this situation. Scare mongering.

No never full pelt upset, sometimes for his naps I'll lie him down and he will start screaming instantly and I know he isn't ready to sleep. The times I do leave him he's never crying when I leave, he'll be quiet for a few minutes and lie there but then will tired whiny cry for a few minutes until he's asleep.

I think 5 minutes is fine! It’s really not that long. I often think that if I was in my mum’s arms, all nice and warm etc, and someone then put me down in a cot without warning I would also be saying “whyyyyy”, which is how I interpret that short amount of crying. We also have a similar situation that if we are in there, the crying goes on a lot longer. You’re helping him to get a good chunk of sleep. I think it’s ok. Super attachment mothers love to make others feel bad.

So sorry, having re-read and with further explanation it sounds reasonable.

He eats 3 meals a day plus snacks. He has dinner at around 5pm and a banana and a bottle before bed so I think his belly is full.

5 mins is ok, but I’d be uncomfortable with more than that

@SpicyMarg i was a very attached attachment style parent and I breastfed for longer than ‘normal’ etc but this sounds fine to me. A whiny tired cry is different from a full on desperate for help cry. By 2 my DD did angry crying too… I think there are different types of crying and what you’re doing sounds fine

It may feel long but 5 minutes of crying is not terrible. Mine would scream until they hyperventilated/threw up, leading me to the conclusion that sleep training was unsuitable for them. Never did get my evenings back.

It sounds fine to me.

OP please ignore some of these other posters. Your baby will not feel abandoned or will have attachment issues due to a few of minutes crying each night. Assuming this is your first? If you have a second, they will inevitably cry more and for longer stretches as you have to juggle the needs of both kids at the same time. I have a baby that will arch their back and scream if I try to rock them when they are overtired. Sometimes they just need to cry a little in their cot and that’s okay. The fact that he’s doing long stretches of sleep is fantastic and so beneficial for his development. I wouldn’t worry at all, sounds like you are doing a great job.

One of my 4 children always cried before sleep as a baby. It didn't matter if I was there, cuddling or rocking. He just did that 'tired crying' thing for a short while (a few minutes) before falling asleep. I just eventually realised it was just his way of disengaging and soothing himself. If your baby would cry harder if you tried to rock him, I think you're doing the right thing. Your intuition is probably right. You've already said you go to him if he screams and isn't ready for skep. If he just 'tired cries' for a few moments before sleep, it's fine. It's really nothing like the cry it out method.