To let my baby cry it out every single night? Is that what this is?

[SpicyMarg]

I feel a bit guilty because my baby is 11 months old and cries himself to sleep every night, and every nap too actually!

He was breastfed and would fall asleep quite happily on the boob but since stopping although he takes a bottle fine he doesn't fall asleep. I did used to give him his bottle and then rock him to sleep but he cried for way longer this way as he'd try and get milk from me and get distressed.

So now he has his bottle from me, I read him a story/sing to him, give him a cuddle for a few minutes and a kiss and say night night then leave the room. He cries for up to 5 minutes, on a good night he will only cry for a minute maybe less but some nights he will cry for about 4/5 minutes and then he falls asleep. If I go back in and pick him up and rock him he'll cry for even longer I find!

I read a thread on here about sleep training and someone mentioned how cry it out doesn't work in that they learn to self settle they just realise no one is coming and give up and it was gut wrenching because I've never done any sort of sleep training or so I thought, but am I putting him through 'cry it out' every single night?!

When my oldest was around 21 months she would only fall asleep at the side of me on the sofa then I’d have to carry her to bed. I left her to cry cos I needed to change the routine. She didn’t cry continuously she would cry then shout for 10 mins or so then go to sleep. After 3 nights she then went to bed absolutely fine. What your doing sounds ok

This sounds completely fine at 11mo. Mine cry before sleep or naps whether I'm rocking them, cuddling them, holding their hand, pushing them back and forth in the pram or whether they are in their cot. Mine cry for about 5 mins or so but it's not upset crying it's like tired shouting, I don't know......but I can tell the difference.

Before, I used to BF them to sleep and I was on my knees with sleep deprivation as they woke every 90min all night.

Honestly this is absolutely fine. One of the hardest things about loving someone is doing what is best for them, even if it’s harder for you. In this situation, you going back and trying to soothe him doesn’t actually make him feel better - you’d only be doing it to stop yourself feeling bad.

5 minutes is nothing. Some babies just cry before they go to sleep, whatever you do. You've said yourself he cries more if you try to rock him (mine was the same- she would get more cross if we tried to stay in with her and pat/shush her)- you are choosing the option which involves the least amount of crying from him.

You're absolutely fine.
I was cuddling my 14 month old twins to sleep but they started playing with each other instead and poking me in the eye so they now go into their cot. One twin cries a bit for a fee mins but it is a cross cry and I'm right next to the cot. He settles faster if I leave him to it rather than keep cuddling and patting.

He knows I'm there and he knows its bedtime which is why I'm not responding like i do in daytime.

It really isn't going to make him think that he has been abandoned and that no one is coming back.

If he got properly upset, I would intervene. I have never sleep trained them. I've always just responded to what they need and would happily pat or cuddle to sleep if it worked.

You're doing great!

I had to do what you do with my ds....he wouldn't tolerate being rocked or held to sleep. He'd have cried for a lot longer. I would put him down, he'd whinge and cry for a couple of minutes and then fall asleep ...I thought it was the least worst option.

A lot of babies hate the feeling of nodding off to sleep and grumble if they experience it in ANY way that doesn't involve sucking as a distraction. If a lot of the time hes nodding off in a minute or two, I'd guess sometimes he's a bit overtired and that probably makes him whinge longer.

Have you tried putting him down a little earlier? You don't want to be waiting until a baby that age is yawning

Its utter balls that babies grizzling for a few minutes feel abandoned

The studies people reference about damaging effects of cry it out etc were based on neglected children in orphanages who routinely had their cries ignored and their needs unmet, not well loves nurtured babies crying for a few mins as they fall asleep.

Honestly OP you're not doing anything wrong. Some babies like to cry when they're put down to sleep. They're tired and the crying is like a release and a relief that they're going to sleep. It's totally normal. Don't feel bad.

I can't do that. I cuddle or stroke him to sleep before I leave the room, same aged baby.

My now 5yo would never settle without me, we co-slept for years! I beat myself up about it at the time but then reflected and really cherished that time. I was excited to do it again with this baby but he's totally different! He doesn't co-sleep well at all, fusses all night and wakes easily if in same room as anyone else but sleeps like a dream in his room alone. It's crazy how different they can be when you sort of expect them to be the same

No way would I do that, 5 minutes is a long time for a baby to be crying and not responded to. Every night!

It’s fine. He cries for a couple of minutes and wakes well rested with a well rested parent. Far far better than a tired baby and frazzled parents.

Honestly I don't leave because I want to, I leave because I realised if I do he goes to sleep within minutes. If I'm there, be it holding him or next to him he's rolling over to me and reaching up and getting more distressed. If I say night night he lies there, cries for a few minutes and is out for the night. I had every intention of extended co-sleeping, plus he's my last so I want to soak up every second, it's not a choice based off what I want just of what seemed to work best for him in terms of length of crying.

Very mixed responses but thanks for so many for sharing their experiences, I will try some different things and see if it can be improved but if he gets less sleep more distressed from it it's good to know not everyone thinks it's terrible if this is just how he goes to sleep..

Some babies do cry - that I’M TIRED I WANT TO SLEEEP cry - before they fall asleep. Nearly all the mums I know have done this, and it sounds fine to me. Please don’t feel bad.

This doesn't sound like leaving him to cry it out. 5 minutes of crying/whimpering and then falling asleep is fine.

5 minutes is ok. I expect quite soon he’ll be able to drop off without the crying but I think it can unwind them.

I never let mine cry and gave myself 8 years of sleep deprivation which made me anxious and not a better parent. So stick with it!

make sure the baby has some nice soft toys they can learn to love

5 mins of crying is nothing. Keep rushing in he will do it even more knowing it gets a response and being a mum you know the difference between I'm ill or stuck cry to a normal one. 3 toddlers all did the same way and by 11 months were actually sleeping all night but they actually had and still do have at age 2 Weetabix before bed and last bottle as fills there tummy till morning. But obviously they don't cry anymore. I think it took about 2 weeks of crying at 9months then they all slept from then on

Totally fine , it's what we used to do with my eldest and still do now with my youngest. She has a wee cry to protest me leaving the room but then is asleep within 5 minutes, or is happy babbling away with her teddies.

I know, and I'm sure you'll know, when it's different cry and they are distressed about something.

The replies about it meaning your babies giving up because they're learning noone comes... my god, insane 🤣

I’m really fed up with this bollocks.

Our son is 2.5 and we have since he was 6 months let him 'cry it out' for no more than 7 minutes. He stops crying and then falls to sleep.

In my mind he is frustrated that the day is over and would like us to stay with him but that is not realistic for our family.

We have a very close bond and I am realistic that he needs a solid routine.

He's self soothing. He's totally fine. I tried to find a way to get mine to get themselves to sleep and they would just cry or scream. What you're describing is completely out from that. You're very clearly following the cues of your children. You're doing a great job, OP. Don't worry about it.

I think it sounds absolutely fine and I’m someone who is completely against any kind of cry it out training. 5 minutes of sleepy grizzling is not a problem.

Well done SpicyMarg. He sounds as if he is doing very well. Sorry you have this problem and I can’t be any more help other than to say I am sure it will resolve itself eventually. Sounds as if he is being settled down in the best possible way so perhaps he just misses his mum and the crying is just a habit. It doesn’t go on too long so he is obviously tired and not distressed.