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Original poster

To let my baby cry it out every single night? Is that what this is?

80 replies

SpicyMarg · 12/01/2024 18:12

I feel a bit guilty because my baby is 11 months old and cries himself to sleep every night, and every nap too actually!

He was breastfed and would fall asleep quite happily on the boob but since stopping although he takes a bottle fine he doesn't fall asleep. I did used to give him his bottle and then rock him to sleep but he cried for way longer this way as he'd try and get milk from me and get distressed.

So now he has his bottle from me, I read him a story/sing to him, give him a cuddle for a few minutes and a kiss and say night night then leave the room. He cries for up to 5 minutes, on a good night he will only cry for a minute maybe less but some nights he will cry for about 4/5 minutes and then he falls asleep. If I go back in and pick him up and rock him he'll cry for even longer I find!

I read a thread on here about sleep training and someone mentioned how cry it out doesn't work in that they learn to self settle they just realise no one is coming and give up and it was gut wrenching because I've never done any sort of sleep training or so I thought, but am I putting him through 'cry it out' every single night?!

OP posts:
Xmasiscoming10 · 12/01/2024 18:33

5 minutes of crying is absolutely fine. You’d know if he was really distressed and you’d go in and get him. It’s a phase he will get through, everything is!

I have twins and often have to let one cry for a few mins if I’m changing the other ones nappy etc, they’re 10m and absolutely fine, loving (and loved!) babies.

Im honestly baffled by the responses saying it’s not okay.

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/01/2024 18:34

People trot that out all of the time on here, I wouldn't pay any attention. Babies are different and you are minimising the crying as much as possible.

Not all babies want or need to be rocked to sleep and prefer their own space.

RoseGoldEagle · 12/01/2024 18:38

My DD would cry hysterically when I left her side- to the point I just couldn’t, and coslept with her for bloomin ages so she never fell asleep alone (will add she’s now 7 and a lovely, confident child and sleeps great now!). DS wasn’t like that at all, when I lay him down I could see he was super tired and wanted to sleep, but he’d grizzle for a minute or two as he dropped off- if I tried to soothe him, just as you say, it would just wake him up and he’d get more upset. I think what you’re doing sounds fine, you clearly know your DS’s different cries with what you’ve said about naps, and would go to him if he got distressed. You sound like a fab mum!

Anneta · 12/01/2024 18:39

What you are doing sounds fine.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/01/2024 18:39

You don't have to go back in and pick him up but could you not go in and pat him through the bars or just put your hand on him into he stops crying?

LordyMe · 12/01/2024 18:43

I think that sounds fine. If he is consistently only crying that much I would leave him alone. I wouldn't feel any guilt about it either. I'm sure he would cry more if he wanted you.

Abracadabra12345 · 12/01/2024 18:44

I think you're doing a brilliant job. It's like babies are never allowed to cry, ever. It's clearly a tiredness cry

BatwomansRevenge · 12/01/2024 18:49

So glad to see some common sense replies at the end of this thread - the idea that a few minutes of tired crying will give your child attachment issues is probably the reason so many kids have sleep issues these days.

HippeePrincess · 12/01/2024 18:49

All of mine have had a tired moan or grizzle before sleep unless feel asleep feeding. Current one likes a back rub while lying in the cot moaning but sometimes it’s better to let them get to sleep without the distraction. I’d definitely call it a moan not a cry. If their gets more like crying then I go in and resettle, usually you can tell they’re going to go off just fine as the moan get less enthusiastic and further apart. It’s fine, this is not the same as cry it out.

Maray1967 · 12/01/2024 18:50

A tired whiny cry for a few minutes - leave him to fall asleep.

Very alert cry - go in.

We did sleep training at about 2, but that was using the repeatedly going in and putting them back in bed method.

Passthegin99 · 12/01/2024 18:56

Crikey the first batch of responses!😳
This is absolutely fine. You're doing yourself and your child a huge favour by letting them learn how to self settle. I did this with my DS (now 5) and no he doesn't resent me for it and he is far better about going to bed now than a lot of the kids his age whose parents are STILL stuck in their rooms helping them get to sleep every evening!

scrivette · 12/01/2024 18:59

5 minutes tired crying is okay, especially as it's what he always does going to sleep.

If it's full on screaming and very very upset than that would be different.

DC1 always cried a bit before sleeping, even if he was being held.

Pinkelephant66 · 12/01/2024 19:02

5 minutes is nothing in my opinion. Don’t feel guilty

CallHerGreen · 12/01/2024 19:05

The responses here are 90% batshit. 11 months is a perfectly reasonable age to do a bit of sleep training. 5 minutes crying is fine. Patting him and then going away is more likely to wind him up! He's not going to have attachment issues if you're being a responsive parent generally. Letting him cry briefly is not the same as running a Romanian orphanage in the 1980s.

Smerpsmorp · 12/01/2024 19:06

He’s whining, he’s not crying - please ignore people saying you’re teaching him nobody comes when he cries. If he needed you, he knows how to get you!

Snowydaysfaraway · 12/01/2024 19:08

Less than 5 mins of minimum twisting is bloody fab going...

Aria2023 · 12/01/2024 19:10

'Cry it out' to me, means leaving them to cry for prolonged periods and to ignore severe crying. Sounds like you're just leaving your lo for a few minutes to see if they settle and that they're not extreme crying, more low level crying, am I right? I think that's fine. IMO lack of sleep and getting overtired would be more detrimental to your lo than this approach.

At this age, I have always left mine a few minutes to see if they settle, rather than rush in at the first cry. Never more than a few minutes and I never ignore 'hard' crying. I had a sort of crying 'scale' of 1-10, with 1 being a gentle grumble cry and 10 being hard (distressed) crying. As long as they were around a 5 / 6 and under, I'd wait a few minutes. Anything at the top end of the scale, I'd go straight in. In my experience, once they get very upset, that makes them harder to settle and my heart can't let me delay comforting them when they're that distressed anyway.

GreatGateauxsby · 12/01/2024 19:13

God I thought you were going to say the baby was wailing away for an hour plus 🤯

I'm reasonably pro sleep training but I believe in the the gentler end and that its not right for everyone / it just does not work for some kids

1 -5mins is totally fine as long as it's the general cry not the special "emergency help me MA-MAAAAA" cry

NuffSaidSam · 12/01/2024 19:16

You're fine OP.

Some babies cry before they fall asleep.

Ignore the hysterical (and completely illogical) 'you're teaching him that no-one comes when he cries' nonsense.

I assume you go to him every single other time he cries? So he knows just fine that Mummy comes when he's actually upset.

Bells3032 · 12/01/2024 19:21

5 minutes is fine. By now you also know the difference between their "I don't want to go to sleep" and "I'm distressed" cries. I'd never leave my daughter distressed but a few minutes of crying before falling asleep is fine. My daughter always did that. If I went in it made it worse. Drag it out. She's refuse to sleep and get overtired and become a grizzly nightmare. I know people who never believed in letting their kids cry ever....and even at 7, 8 and even up to 10 their kids can't fall asleep properly and don't sleep well.

Babies crying for a few minutes is not gonna harm them. Crying for hours and no one coming to them will but a few minutes nope.

WhatAFoolishFool · 12/01/2024 19:23

My eldest used to cry at sleep time too. I felt terrible about it before I realised it was just how she soothed herself. She grew out of it eventually. Going back in to cuddle etc just had her turn absolutely mental, and stopped her falling asleep. It wasn’t full on screams, just moaning/whinging really.

Nellz · 12/01/2024 19:29

My baby often does something very similar. I've realised that he's crying because he is tired - not because I've left / I'm a terrible neglectful mother etc. The best thing I can do is not to interfere and let him fix the problem by going to sleep.

Sorry some posters have made you feel bad OP - it sounds like normal parenting to me.

Livinghappy · 12/01/2024 20:06

Letting him cry briefly is not the same as running a Romanian orphanage in the 1980s

This! Some tired babies cry and you know the difference between being very upset and just needing to settle. I had to do this with one of mine and we have a very close relationship. He was a great sleeper once he got slightly older - 3 or 4 and I would not have survived if I didn't let him get off to sleep.

Please don't be guilted by some other posters as you are clearly a loving and receptive mum.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/01/2024 20:11

5mins is nothing

He just learning to self settle

It's not teaching him that crying is being ignored

if he cries for 10/20min then that's different

If he settles well after and sleeps all night then I wouldn't worry

Sure as he gets older he will cry/moan less

tokesqueen · 12/01/2024 20:17

DS2 did this. We just left him, encouraged reliance on blankets and teddies as he grew. 18 years on all bonded just fine.