To not want my own kids at my wedding reception

[Rafalito]

Bear with me… this is more complicated than I’ve led you to believe.

I have 2 older kids (13,10) with my ex and a 2 yr old with my current partner. We’re getting married abroad summer 2025 in a tiny wedding with closest friends and family - a week long thing - obviously kids invited (mine will walk me down the aisle!)

This summer we’ve decided to have a large ‘reception’ for all friends (some very spurious!) in UK. Evening, few hours, drinks, food, band etc. Due to unforeseen circumstances my eldest is going to be away on the date we’ve sent out. Initially shocked I then actually began to think how liberating it would be for me to enjoy a party without any kids at all to hang off me, ask for stuff, throw up, follow me around etc. I’ve come around to really quite wanting it to be ‘no kids’ and neither of my older two mind at all because they know the ‘real’ wedding is abroad next summer.

My other half is really upset and wants to change it all so they (and other) kids can come. I genuinely want advice - AIBU to want a celebration where I have no responsibilities? They all come to me not him and from experience I know ‘taking them home’ etc will fall on me. I love the idea of being able to go on after with some friends and even get a hotel that night! Am I being selfish?

I think that you should have a third event, which is a celebration with kids. Then maybe a fourth just in case, can’t have too many weddings.

You are having a party, this can be a grown up event . Enjoy it
It's nothing to do with your wedding which is the year after

This is all a bit confusing. The party won't be your wedding reception because the wedding is next year. But fine to do it that way round if you like and ok not to have children there at that party.

We had our wedding in Spain last year, with some close family including our two young children.
I would not have felt bad to return and have a home reception with just adults.
We did consider it but then the venue we wanted didn't come back to us and we just let the idea slip.
Go for it! Let's face it, you'll enjoy it much more!

Fine. Have a child free party.

Wedding reception, it's isn't.

Pre-wedding adults only party sounds great followed by the actual wedding with your three children next year - perfect. At 15, 11, and 3 years old, the children and you will have a better time than with a 2 year old in tow.

Interesting how DP caved immediately at the suggestion he'd have to look after your shared toddler at the party! I'd work on getting DP to take on more responsibility before he becomes DH otherwise we'll be reading later about how he does nothing and you have to do everything.

It’s a fair point @CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo - in his defence he does more than his fair share on a day to day basis but in social situations when he has a drink…. Not so much! Hence my anxiety at being the one left to deal with it on the day. Also tbf the littlest is pretty clingy to me… but you are right!

thanks for the advice all x

call it an engagement party (“grown up party”) and your DP might feel more comfortable instead of wedding/wedding reception, which seems like an event one would want the children to attend.

alternatively: tell him that you will not do any childcare whatsoever and that he will have to deal with everything child related. And stick to it.

edit: I’ve just read the update. Sounds great! Congratulations 🥂 💐

OP already said, the older two don't mind and the 2yo won't know any different.

If he wants them there. He should do the looking after. He'll quickly change his tune.

My mum was looking after my then 2 and 4 year old.? Obviously I had to still care for them.

She has taking both to hers and we were staying at the hotel. She left before our first dance and took the 2 year old. I never go out and wanted just one night.

I dont think you're being unreasonable. The main event is the bit that counts and your kids will be there. There's nothing wrong with having a bash to celebrate with your friends who won't be at the big day, without having screaming kids running around. Our wedding was kid free apart from our kids and my flower girls, who's mam was my maid of honour.

Most people not even want their children to be born before the wedding reception!

And the bride isn't? 🤔

If he insists tell him he can stay sober and look after the 2 year old.

I think you’re being reasonable to want to not look after your kids at your wedding but utterly unreasonable to not want your children there. Can’t you compromise and have someone be responsible for them the entire time? So they’re there but you don’t have to look after them and worry about them so you can focus on you and your partner and enjoying yourselves?

At 13 and 10 I wouldn’t expect to see them all night tbh. Guess the 2yo has a babysitter, just arrange ex or other to take them home.

You don’t get married until next year. This party is not a wedding reception in anyway shape or form.

YANBU to want to have an adult party but YABU to ever call this a redding reception. Do you expect gifts? For a marriage that won’t happen for a year?

This is very bizarre.

Sounds fine to me, they will be there for the wedding and the week away so yes enjoy a child free night! Will your partner share their needs on that night? If he insists you can tell him OK fine but u take full responsibility?

Yeah I know but I was just wondering whether making the whole thing childfree would stop some people from coming - so if it wasn't fully childfree and only OP's kids not coming, might they mind in those circumstances.

Either way she's sorted it so not an issue now 😊

Just say it's a child-free engagement party?

I'm jealous... our 18 month-old was with us the get-together the night before our wedding, all of our wedding day and night, and our entire (local) honeymoon!! 🙈

She's 3.5 now and still haven't had a night without her!!

Enjoy 😀

A year of celebrations spanning 2 different countries including a week of activities abroad? Go for it! Where are all your hen nights going to be? I’m assuming you’re not just going to limit yourself to just the one? I bet your family and friends are really looking forward to it all. 🙄

Ok, thanks to everyone who has posted contrastive and kind advice.

For anyone else, even though I shouldn’t have to explain, here you go;

the wedding abroad is because we have elderly family and one younger member who is sick, who live abroad and cannot travel - it is taking place next year because one member is having medical treatment and it will not be finished and they will not be recovered enough to enjoy it before then, and we want them to enjoy it. The event taking place this year is taking place this year and not next because a friend very important to my OH is emigrating and won’t be able to return for 2 years for visa issues and he didn’t want zero celebrations without him, so I thought why not. The only people ‘repeating the process’ by attending both are my best friends and my OH best friends (2 on each side) - all of whom are delighted by the whole thing as the ‘real’ wedding is a whole weeks family focussed holiday (paid for by us!). And we all holiday together often anyway. And no, we don’t expect gifts from anyone, at either event and will make that clear.

Hope that explains our motivations. Yes you’re probably right we should have called the first event something else.

Just curious... 'why' were you so reluctant in telling your daughter that she was an IVF baby... ??? You never did mention...

Gen... 🇨🇦

I think your idea is great. It's exactly what I would do if I were to get married.