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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my own kids at my wedding reception

100 replies

Rafalito · 12/01/2024 14:39

Bear with me… this is more complicated than I’ve led you to believe.

I have 2 older kids (13,10) with my ex and a 2 yr old with my current partner. We’re getting married abroad summer 2025 in a tiny wedding with closest friends and family - a week long thing - obviously kids invited (mine will walk me down the aisle!)

This summer we’ve decided to have a large ‘reception’ for all friends (some very spurious!) in UK. Evening, few hours, drinks, food, band etc. Due to unforeseen circumstances my eldest is going to be away on the date we’ve sent out. Initially shocked I then actually began to think how liberating it would be for me to enjoy a party without any kids at all to hang off me, ask for stuff, throw up, follow me around etc. I’ve come around to really quite wanting it to be ‘no kids’ and neither of my older two mind at all because they know the ‘real’ wedding is abroad next summer.

My other half is really upset and wants to change it all so they (and other) kids can come. I genuinely want advice - AIBU to want a celebration where I have no responsibilities? They all come to me not him and from experience I know ‘taking them home’ etc will fall on me. I love the idea of being able to go on after with some friends and even get a hotel that night! Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
88inchesoftherapy · 12/01/2024 17:15

as groom i would give him an equal say and let him have them there. but then explain they are not your responsibility and you are going out with friends afterwards. If he wants them there he can take care of them.

Peachy2005 · 12/01/2024 17:43

Also, as others said, I would stop calling it a reception. You’ve probably called it that to make it seem more significant for those that won’t be going/invited to the actual wedding…but I suspect your DP has started believing the hype and is now viewing it as a major part of the actual wedding. Rename it the pre-wedding booze-up or something that sounds less child/family-friendly 😂

He is the groom and he gets an equal say on the wedding day plans but this is NOT the wedding and @Rafalito you already know all the childcare will be left to you on this occasion, no matter what he promises!

lapsedrdwhoenthusiast · 12/01/2024 17:44

Can you just change this first "wedding" to an engagement party or joint stag and hen party?

Original poster
Rafalito · 12/01/2024 19:03

Thank you to everyone - especially the people who suggested I capitulate on the condition he is in charge of the kids and deals with getting them home.

Hes miraculously come around to seeing what a good idea it is to leave them at home!

Am very grateful to you all! X

OP posts:
Mumto2kids86 · 12/01/2024 19:41

Sounds perfect, family wedding then some adult time for you to relax and spend time being a couple with your nearest and dearest. Ask your other half who is going to be running around after your 2yo all evening! Might change his tune!

Pingu32 · 13/01/2024 07:17

If it were a day party, I would think differently, but it's the evening, so I think it would be mad to have kids there. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding when any kids just come to the evening do. Enjoy yourself

Fabulousdahlink · 13/01/2024 07:32

This. Oh and he wont be able to drink either as he's on parenting duty and if theres an emergency he'll need to drive...

Nikki8762 · 13/01/2024 07:43

But like she says, he'll be able to enjoy the evening and she'll be the one having to be responsible and leave early. Also it's nit going to be very good for a 2 year old to be up and around loads of drunk ppl, the older ones wouldn't be so bad. She's entitled to her day aswell and it's only a party

Justfinking · 13/01/2024 07:47

YANBU. Everyone I know with kids, hires a sitter so they can have a proper party for their reception

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 13/01/2024 07:47

Theunamedcat · 12/01/2024 14:45

True but its all going to fall on OP to be the responsible adult and that's not fair

Show quote history

Should have rtft 😅. Glad to see he's seen the light OP.

previous answer below:
It's easy for him to want them there when he knows they won't curtail his plans for the night. If he was going to be the responsible adult that would be different, but I expect if he was he wouldn't want them their either.

Nikki8762 · 13/01/2024 07:49

I think it's reasonable, the qedding abroad youll have the kids there and youll not be able to be as free then, this is your chance to really celebrate it. I mean a 2 year old at something like this, it's not really the place anyways. The older 2 it's not so bad.

Personally I'd say no and tell him the reasons why, but failing that, is there anyways they could go for a little bit then someone can collect them later on. Althou if they are like mine, they'd not want to leave lol

The issues you'd have is, you'd not be able to have a drink, you'll be worried where the little one is all the time. When he's tired he's going to want you. You could tell your oh he needs to be responsible for the kids then, no drinking and he'd need to leave at a certain time to take them home. I think he will soon Change his mind then.

Men always have these good ideas don't they, when it's not left to them to pick up the pieces x

blackpanth · 13/01/2024 07:50

YANBU

boysmuminherts · 13/01/2024 07:54

Yabu to having a wedding reception a whole year before the actual wedding!!! But of course you can throw an adult party and invite whoever you like.

Sophierx89 · 13/01/2024 07:56

I'd say go for it, its not your actual wedding they are missing just a party! I wouldn't refer to it as your wedding reception in front of them in case they do feel like they're missing out!

Hadalifeonce · 13/01/2024 07:57

When I had my 50th, I told DH I didn't want our DC there as I wanted to be free to be with friends/family and not have the demands from DC. He insisted they should be there, so told him they were totally his responsibility for the entire evening. He absolutely stepped up and I hardly saw them all evening, I had a great time.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/01/2024 08:01

It's not a reception. It's a party a year before you are getting married

Receptions are after you are married

If dhtb wants 2yr there then get a nanny for the day as well so they can look after him and take him home to bed

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/01/2024 08:01

Crossed posts. He's agreed with you

KarenNotAKaren · 13/01/2024 08:02

You’re having a wedding party a whole year before you actually get married? Good grief these celebrations have reached ridiculous levels. No one cares that much that you’re getting hitched that they need to spend time and money over it A YEAR before you even get married!

Anyway my initial reaction is “You’ve had family no 2 with New Partner, which will be hard enough for older kids, and it’s fairly shit to only have family members from family no 2 at your fake-wedding. That sends a message to your older kids that the important ones are not them.”

Sorry. But I do think people who have family no 2 kind of forget or don’t realise how children from family no 1 can feel on small everyday situations.

KarenNotAKaren · 13/01/2024 08:04

I’m also surprised at the responses praising the OP and calling her a Saint for including the kids in her proper wedding. Imagine if this was a man posting to say only his new child was invited to his fake-wedding. He’s have been torn a new one and asked if new bride was the OW.

KarenNotAKaren · 13/01/2024 08:05

Also at 10 and 14 they’re easy, they aren’t toddlers. They don’t need buns wiping and good cut up or hands cleaning etc. surely the 2yo will be the one who will be distracting you all the time

crumblingschools · 13/01/2024 08:07

Why are you having the ‘reception’ a year before actually getting married?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 13/01/2024 08:08

KarenNotAKaren · 13/01/2024 08:04

I’m also surprised at the responses praising the OP and calling her a Saint for including the kids in her proper wedding. Imagine if this was a man posting to say only his new child was invited to his fake-wedding. He’s have been torn a new one and asked if new bride was the OW.

All three children are the OP's she is not differentiating between them. The oldest has other plans already for that night.

NeedToChangeName · 13/01/2024 08:11

senua · 12/01/2024 14:47

This summer we’ve decided to have a large ‘reception’ for all friends (some very spurious!) in UK.
Is this A Thing now? The reception before the wedding?Confused

@senua Hoping for gifts, maybe?

romdowa · 13/01/2024 08:13

When we got married my ds went home to a baby sister after the meal and we had the party and it was great. Venues here don't want children past a certain time anyway when there is alcohol being served

2Old2Tango · 13/01/2024 08:15

If the summer party is an evening do then surely the 2 year old would be tired and fractious at an early stage. Tell OH that if he wants his child there then he will be doing all child care and taking child home if it becomes necessary. Might put him off the idea. It's not like his child is going to remember any of it when they're older.