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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He says he didn't lead me on. AIBU?

64 replies

Catladyireland · 12/01/2024 12:40

I have posted about this relationship on the relationship page but this man is making me feel as though I am still being unreasonable so I would like others opinions as I feel I can't send the wood from the trees at the moment.

Backstory - I met a man two years ago and he did the chasing and I was slow to take him up on it. Once I did he showed himself to have a lot of commitment issues. Didn't cheat but didn't think of himself as part of a partnership - I often felt like a second thought. I broke up with him last summer because of feeling anxious/lonely in the relationship. He promised he could change etc.

This winter we have been speaking every day. I told him I was trying to learn to trust him as I would like to try again. I began to invite him to big life events again/plan some work around his schedule so we could meet/travel to visit him in his city. We weren't sleeping together (some intimate touching one night) but we have been sending sexual texts/photos regularly. I was trying to show him with actions I was moving towards trusting him. He said he would like to be more a part of my life with my friends so I invited him regularly to events with them/sent photos from our times. We spoke about future plans, but to be fair mostly sexual ones.

Last week I invited him to my house for 'movie and a takeaway' and explained it was a big deal for me to take this step (he hasn't been in my house since the break up). During our chats leading up to dinner it became clear he wasn't interested in taking that step. After all the months of build up to this for me, emotions hit me and I explained to him that I felt led on. He said that the intimate touching was 'goofing around' and he hadn't considered a future, he was just enjoying 'sharing his time with me'.

He is incredibly baffled, and doesn't see anything wrong in his actions. Once I realised this I simply stopped reply but he said I have blindsided him entirely. He is acting as though I am being highly unreasonable. AIBU?

OP posts:
MiIz · 12/01/2024 12:44

During our chats leading up to dinner it became clear he wasn't interested in taking that step

what does this mean? Did he say this?

And he actually said he didn't consider a future with you? Yeah fuck him right off.

ManateeFair · 12/01/2024 12:47

He's manipulating you and trying to make you chase him. He's basically trying to make you beg.

Have some self-respect and get this man out of your life. He's bad news.

Catladyireland · 12/01/2024 12:47

He said he wasn't interested to come over to the house once he realised I meant it as a gesture of taking a step together.

He said 'I also haven’t thought about what our future might look like' and we are 'nowhere near talking about anything together'.

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 12/01/2024 12:47

Bin him off. He gets off on manipulating you. He knew what you wanted when he wormed his way back in. It's okay for him not to want a commitment but it's unreasonable to string along someone who does.

He is not going to change. Don't let him back again And why are you sending sexual photos to someone you don't trust?

MiIz · 12/01/2024 12:48

Yeah don't waste your time on him. If he was the one he would be delighted at the thought of a future with you.

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/01/2024 12:49

I mean this as kindly as possible but you've massively overinvested in this. He's been pretty clear from the outset that he's not looking for a big commitment and you are mismatched in terms of your expectations.

Hard to know based on what you say whether he led you on or not but the bottom line is he's not ready for a commitment.

Fuck him off and don't waste more time thinking about it.

AgentProvocateur · 12/01/2024 12:49

Do you mean sex? Did you ask him if he wanted to have sex or “a movie and a takeaway”. It sound like communication isn’t good between the two of you.

Catladyireland · 12/01/2024 12:49

I was sending him the photos once I began to think we would get back together. For me I assumed photos meant something. Trust me, I am highly embarrassed/regretful about them now.

I told him don't ask to see a woman's body/speak about even a sexual future when you aren't looking for anything. I read into emotions behind it.

OP posts:
AtLeastHalfRelieved · 12/01/2024 12:50

You posted about this already right?

Britpop123 · 12/01/2024 12:50

You posted about this recently and have now re-framed it in a new op. Why?

usernother · 12/01/2024 12:51

Things shouldn't be this hard. There is no point in bothering with him. Block him and move on.

phishy · 12/01/2024 12:52

Sounds like he used you to get inside your friendship circle and attend some free family events.

Has he made friends with your friends?

I think you’ve had a lucky escape, he could be asexual or gay or dating someone else but for whatever reason he is not into you and it sounds like any future relationship would have been sexless.

Catladyireland · 12/01/2024 12:52

I thought I might get different people on this page than the relationship one. That post was about a framing of wording rather than the conversation that then followed. Genuinely wasn't trying to over post!

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 12/01/2024 12:52

Catladyireland · 12/01/2024 12:49

I was sending him the photos once I began to think we would get back together. For me I assumed photos meant something. Trust me, I am highly embarrassed/regretful about them now.

I told him don't ask to see a woman's body/speak about even a sexual future when you aren't looking for anything. I read into emotions behind it.

Also again meant with kindness: if you want something serious with someone and there's any doubt about their intentions, sending sexy pictures is probably not wise.

Not that there's anything wrong with it and no shame whatsoever but you're leaving yourself very vulnerable to someone and if you can't trust them you're putting yourself on the line.

Unless you're very clear that you're only interested in sex there's no real upside to doing this really.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/01/2024 12:59

So most of your plans were by your own admission sexual. He presumably wanted to be a bigger part of your life to get more sex rather than because he saw a long term future with you, whereas you see the sex tied up with a long term future. I think its cross purposes more than leading on. He is up for fun, you are wanting commitment. It's not the right relationship for either of you so end it.

Ponoka7 · 12/01/2024 13:00

He has seen this as a casual meet up situation, hopefully leading to regular sex. You've thought that you were in a relationship. I think that you are just on very different wavelengths. You invested a lot emotionally way too early. He showed and told you that you wasn't in a relationship with him, but you still got back with him and have gone along with making it all very sexual. Draw a line under this, learn from it, decide on what you do want and make sure that next time things stay on the path to were you want to be.

Kingoftheroad · 12/01/2024 13:08

Bin him - he’s not worthy of you - he’s a loser

HalloumiGeller · 12/01/2024 13:08

The red flag straight away here is that you said that alot of your messaging was of a sexual nature, there's your issue.

Olika · 12/01/2024 13:09

I haven't seen your other thread so I only comment what you are telling here. The first thought I had is that you were doing too much work and making the effort instead of letting him make the effort and work to earn your trust. You should have observed his actions and behaviour and how he is re-building with you, he should have been the one proving he is worth it, he should have been the one making it happen. He sounds like a passive participant in this all while you were facilitating everything that in your mind were signs of you two becoming more and your relationship progressing.

LenaLamont · 12/01/2024 13:13

He hasn't been leading you on. You have just got different expectations of where your relationship is at the moment, following your break up in the summer.

The reason you ended it was because he wasn't in a 'relationship' frame of mind and you were. Nothing has changed.

He's still after companionship and friendship and maybe a bit of fooling around, and you are still seeking a relationship with him. Not only that, you basically tried a booty call and it didn't work because he took your "takeaway and film" as a clear communication of what you wanted when you thought it was code for a shag.

You just don't want the same things. It's nobody's fault.

Step away, find someone who's a better fit for you.

LoobyDop · 12/01/2024 13:14

I’ve never heard anyone refer to a “sexual future” in a relationship. It’s not a thing. That makes me think he said sex, you said future, and you compromised on “sexual future”- so you each heard what you wanted to hear without listening.

PoinsettiaLives · 12/01/2024 13:15

It really sounds as if there’s no meeting of minds between you- in his mind he’s done nothing to suggest he’s interested in a proper relationship as in his mind photos etc are just casual whereas for you they are a big deal. You’ve been thinking about it all as a precursor to another try at the relationship while he’s just mucking about.

He’s not for you. Just leave it and move on.

Jamjaris · 12/01/2024 13:16

Commitment phobes love the chase then go awol when they get taken seriously, block and walk away as nothing will change

CoffeeMachineNewbie · 12/01/2024 13:18

With respect you've spent 2 years on him and you arent even really dating. It's not fun. You're not on the same page. You're leading the horse to water but you cant make it drink

Catladyireland · 12/01/2024 13:19

Thank you for the comments.

Yes, I massively over invested. I took things for face value - he would message me first everyday, drove for hours to meet me for dinners, listened when I told him I wanted to try trust him again but I ultimately should have simply asked 'what does this mean to you' months ago and if I'm honest, chats slid into sex chat quite quickly somedays.

My ego is bruised tbh.

OP posts:
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