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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He says he didn't lead me on. AIBU?

64 replies

Catladyireland · 12/01/2024 12:40

I have posted about this relationship on the relationship page but this man is making me feel as though I am still being unreasonable so I would like others opinions as I feel I can't send the wood from the trees at the moment.

Backstory - I met a man two years ago and he did the chasing and I was slow to take him up on it. Once I did he showed himself to have a lot of commitment issues. Didn't cheat but didn't think of himself as part of a partnership - I often felt like a second thought. I broke up with him last summer because of feeling anxious/lonely in the relationship. He promised he could change etc.

This winter we have been speaking every day. I told him I was trying to learn to trust him as I would like to try again. I began to invite him to big life events again/plan some work around his schedule so we could meet/travel to visit him in his city. We weren't sleeping together (some intimate touching one night) but we have been sending sexual texts/photos regularly. I was trying to show him with actions I was moving towards trusting him. He said he would like to be more a part of my life with my friends so I invited him regularly to events with them/sent photos from our times. We spoke about future plans, but to be fair mostly sexual ones.

Last week I invited him to my house for 'movie and a takeaway' and explained it was a big deal for me to take this step (he hasn't been in my house since the break up). During our chats leading up to dinner it became clear he wasn't interested in taking that step. After all the months of build up to this for me, emotions hit me and I explained to him that I felt led on. He said that the intimate touching was 'goofing around' and he hadn't considered a future, he was just enjoying 'sharing his time with me'.

He is incredibly baffled, and doesn't see anything wrong in his actions. Once I realised this I simply stopped reply but he said I have blindsided him entirely. He is acting as though I am being highly unreasonable. AIBU?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 12/01/2024 15:31

LenaLamont · 12/01/2024 13:13

He hasn't been leading you on. You have just got different expectations of where your relationship is at the moment, following your break up in the summer.

The reason you ended it was because he wasn't in a 'relationship' frame of mind and you were. Nothing has changed.

He's still after companionship and friendship and maybe a bit of fooling around, and you are still seeking a relationship with him. Not only that, you basically tried a booty call and it didn't work because he took your "takeaway and film" as a clear communication of what you wanted when you thought it was code for a shag.

You just don't want the same things. It's nobody's fault.

Step away, find someone who's a better fit for you.

Totally agree with this.

Fitandfree · 12/01/2024 15:40

OP, your original post is very confusing as to who wanted what. I can easily see how he could be confused too, given the sexual pictures etc. Your follow up posts have clarified things - I actually think he has acted honourably, in clarifying your feelings, before agreeing to sex. Move on. Please, for your future sanity, consider not sharing sexual images in the future. Good luck finding someone who wants what you want. Be clear about what you want.

momtoboys · 12/01/2024 15:43

Don't you dare waste one more minute on thinking about this one. NEXT!

Terrribletwos · 12/01/2024 15:43

Catladyireland · 12/01/2024 12:49

I was sending him the photos once I began to think we would get back together. For me I assumed photos meant something. Trust me, I am highly embarrassed/regretful about them now.

I told him don't ask to see a woman's body/speak about even a sexual future when you aren't looking for anything. I read into emotions behind it.

You sound very confused about your own autonomy? To me, sending intimate photos is not something you should ever do, they could put them online or use them to blackmail you (emotionally or otherwise). And why do you think sending intimate photos is a beneficial thing for you?

Yes, your pride will have taken a knock but dust yourself off and block him and forget him, don't give him another thought, he's of no consequence.

Look after yourself and think about what you truly want from a relationship/sexual partnership.

DolphinDreamer · 12/01/2024 15:49

I read another thread of yours and I’m sorry you’re feeling so confused and hurt. But you will tie yourself in knots trying to find a deeper meaning here. You want different things. That’s ok.

Distance yourself from this man, take some time to heal and get over it. Look after yourself. Don’t contact him. Give yourself time and you will feel better.

Catladyireland · 15/01/2024 15:43

He disappeared and went quiet for a few days now. I checked on him by message to make sure he was ok but he says he doesn't know what to say to me for now.

I thought more about the signs; the photos we sent (non sexual) of each other to say good morning/good night, always telling me I was beautiful and being full of compliments. Being highly flirty.

OP posts:
DrinkingAndThinking · 15/01/2024 15:47

Behaviour is a language.

DolphinDreamer · 15/01/2024 17:38

DrinkingAndThinking · 15/01/2024 15:47

Behaviour is a language.

This is so wise and true

Catladyireland · 15/01/2024 22:41

I assume behaviour is a language means don't listen to the words, pay attention to the actions and behaviour

OP posts:
DrinkingAndThinking · 16/01/2024 03:51

Yes.

Similar to the word love, an action word shown through thoughtful actions and care for another, it isn’t just a “feeling”.

That is why, a person's behaviour, being action oriented can say a lot of them.

Catladyireland · 16/01/2024 14:57

Thank you.

I'm just deafened by the silence. Makes me feel like I did something wrong. Realistically, I miss him.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 16/01/2024 15:26

You don't miss him, you miss the fantasy version of him that only exists in your head.

You need to rip off the sticking plaster on this one, OP - block and delete, it's the fastest way to get him out of your head and moving on with your life. Otherwise you are always having one ear and eye on your phone, and wishing and hoping.

DrinkingAndThinking · 17/01/2024 14:26

Catladyireland · 16/01/2024 14:57

Thank you.

I'm just deafened by the silence. Makes me feel like I did something wrong. Realistically, I miss him.

You didn’t do anything wrong, you are hopeful, even though there are things such as behaviours you’re willing to ignore. But you are left with feelings of loneliness and feelings that you may have done something wrong. Which you have not. The right guy will respond in an ethical way that will never have you guessing. Even though you miss him right now, it’s for the wrong reasons, settling for the bread crumbs he gives. Close this chapter and go for something that will reflect what you want and your values, It’s so close, close the door and let another open 💜

Catladyireland · 17/01/2024 16:33

Thank you @DrinkingAndThinking. That's a lovely, kind message.

OP posts:
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