He says he didn't lead me on. AIBU?

[Catladyireland]

I have posted about this relationship on the relationship page but this man is making me feel as though I am still being unreasonable so I would like others opinions as I feel I can't send the wood from the trees at the moment.

Backstory - I met a man two years ago and he did the chasing and I was slow to take him up on it. Once I did he showed himself to have a lot of commitment issues. Didn't cheat but didn't think of himself as part of a partnership - I often felt like a second thought. I broke up with him last summer because of feeling anxious/lonely in the relationship. He promised he could change etc.

This winter we have been speaking every day. I told him I was trying to learn to trust him as I would like to try again. I began to invite him to big life events again/plan some work around his schedule so we could meet/travel to visit him in his city. We weren't sleeping together (some intimate touching one night) but we have been sending sexual texts/photos regularly. I was trying to show him with actions I was moving towards trusting him. He said he would like to be more a part of my life with my friends so I invited him regularly to events with them/sent photos from our times. We spoke about future plans, but to be fair mostly sexual ones.

Last week I invited him to my house for 'movie and a takeaway' and explained it was a big deal for me to take this step (he hasn't been in my house since the break up). During our chats leading up to dinner it became clear he wasn't interested in taking that step. After all the months of build up to this for me, emotions hit me and I explained to him that I felt led on. He said that the intimate touching was 'goofing around' and he hadn't considered a future, he was just enjoying 'sharing his time with me'.

He is incredibly baffled, and doesn't see anything wrong in his actions. Once I realised this I simply stopped reply but he said I have blindsided him entirely. He is acting as though I am being highly unreasonable. AIBU?

I'd try not to take this as an ego hit, so much as a learning experience. I'd try to actively move on and focus on other things.

We’ve all done it. Just don’t fall into the trap of thinking true love is bigger than your ego and worth sacrificing your self esteem for. True love doesn’t need that sacrifice.

If it didnt work the first time what makes you think it would be different? People's mindsets and personalities rarely change.

It sounds from your description that he turned down sex. That's OK.

To me it sounds as if he does want more to be honest but he doesn’t want all the things that come as part of that. It comes across like he has romantic feelings but doesn’t want to lose his independence or admit it to himself because he doesn’t want to be hurt. Loads of men have trouble when it comes to feelings and emotions because of social conditioning

That said, I would just move on, you need to find someone who is willing to show you and provide you with what you want. This isn’t going to go anywhere. As pp said, if he really wanted to, he would. You won’t change him, it’s the sort of thing he needs to realise and change himself.

..? We aren't all super emotional beings than can't be touched without the promise of a ring

Sorry that was in reply to this

I think you got good advice on your last post. To be honest he doesn't sound great but you come across very clingy. Let it go move on save your dignity.

I say this very kindly i think your looking into it to much trying to make something out of nothing.

He promised he could change etc.

A leopard can't change its spots.

Learn from this and move on.

If I was being unreasonable I'd rather at least apologise and just stop communicating.

I can see it seems very clingy. I think he just wanted company

@Catladyireland, forget about him for a minute, and look at your own communication. Are you saying that you were sexting and sending your ex intimate photos and talking about ‘taking a step’ and having him round to your house for a film and takeaway as part of some project of ‘learning to trust him again’ after you’d left him because of his lack of commitment? And he had assumed ‘the step’ you were talking about in inviting him round was having sex?

I wouldn't apologise, OP- he might not have deliberately misled you but he's hardly a preux chevalier. And apologising is just another way of engaging with him.

Just leave it and move in.

I mean, to me the fact you said he was interested in integration into your life/ meeting your friends, driving for hours to see you, talking daily, telling you he would change etc kind of suggests that he actually likes you more than just for sex when he can go and get sex for much less effort and without investing into someone’s life like that, but by the same token I know men who will do a lot if they think sex is on the cards and it’s a bit of a clue if most of the conversations were sexual.

He might just like spending time with you as a friend with the added bonus of sex.

Did it ever feel like more by what he said or did? Or was it mostly sex that you’ve just read into because you have feelings for him?

Either way, like I said just move on, you don’t need an apology, it just prolongs the hurt for you by waiting for it. Next time you meet someone you really like, make your intentions clear 😊

@HarpyRampant - from the OP's thread in Relationships, she hoped to have him come over for sex and he thought he was invited over to watch a film and eat a takeaway, nothing more.

Leading you on would have been coming over, having sex with you, then not bothering with you again.

Honestly, I think your communication sucks. You need to talk more and be more upfront.

I read it wrong I think, sorry! I read it as if you wanted commitment and he wanted a casual sex arrangement and when he found out you wanted to talk about the ‘next step’ i.e exclusivity during the takeaway and film, he didn’t want to come over.

Just leave it and move in.

Move ON not in!

I do think it’s odd he was sending sexual texts then didn’t want sex when he actually came to your place and acted shocked as if the thought had never occurred to him. Whats the point in that?! I don’t know what he’s playing at op but I would definitely leave him to it now.

He asked if we had sex could I separate emotions and the physical side and I said no. I wasn't going to be a hook up. That made him realise sleeping together again wouldn't work for him

OK, so that’s actually a dignified end point for you. He’s been honest that he wants sex rather than a relationship, and you said that doesn’t work for you. That’s fine. Nobody has anything to apologise for.

Shut it down. Never send sexual photos to anyone no matter what.
I know you're bruised, this guys a waste of your time and energy. Take care of you.

He wants friends with benefits. You want a relationship. One of you should have make it clear what you wanted and checked that you were both on the same page months ago. I would say you are both at fault here.

But.. does it matter? Maintaining a friendship or even contact isn’t going to work. You won’t move on if you have him in your life. You need to cut ties now and there is no harm in keeping that amicable and grown up.

For your own sanity you need to stop. I read your last post and the replies. He's not invested and you are. Nothing anyone on here says is going change that. He's not going to change. Stop wasting your time and move on.

I agree with @LoobyDop . You don’t need to apologise, you have reached an endpoint. Draw a line under it. Move on. Personally I wouldn’t contact him or respond to him again as it’s not going to work trying to stay friends either. Have a think about whether there’s anything you might like to do differently in a future relationship. Good luck!