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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a relationship isn't the be all and end all

57 replies

Cluelessat33 · 12/01/2024 10:27

I've been separated from my husband for nearly 4 years in that time I've had no other relationship, or been with anyone. At first perhaps I wanted to fill a hole, but now I'm absolutely not bothered. I've built a fab life I'm happy with. Happy with my peace, peace of mind, beautiful relationship with my daughter, comfortable peaceful home. I have lots of interests and I'm always busy.

But recently I had a conversation with someone, and they were genuinely surprised I wasn't interested in having another relationship. And then she basically said that was all very well and good that I wasn't interested in all that now, but I'd be lonely and miserable when my daughter left home. I was properly stunned. Am I wrong for being utterly baffled about this mindset that you can't have a happy fullfilled life without another person? Or is she right, and I will die a lonely old lady (hopefully 🤣) surrounded by cats and regret the fact I couldn't care less about having someone else in my life.

OP posts:

RubySundayy · 12/01/2024 10:29

I think she was telling you something about herself here! How sad that she can’t imagine being happy alone.

SpringCalling · 12/01/2024 10:39

You don't feel like a relationship now, that's fine. Enjoy your current great life! You may or may not change how you feel as your DD gets older. I spent 6 years single and then as she approached secondary and growing independence I slowly began to feel i would like someone in my life. I do now have a wonderful partner and a DD who is out and about a lot. It's a different phase of my life, and just as wonderful as my 6 single years when DD was my main focus. So don't sweat it, just enjoy your current life, no choices are forever!

Dotjones · 12/01/2024 10:41

YANBU. Not being in a relationship is better than being in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Loneliness is better than abuse for example. I always wonder at the women who spend years in shitty relationships and why they don't just leave, but I suppose they wonder about people staying single for years too.

BillieB1987 · 12/01/2024 10:42

Im looking forward to being single very soon!

User135644 · 12/01/2024 10:43

If you get lonely down the line and want a relationship then you can pursue one then. You may never want to bother.

Some people can't stand the thought of being alone.

HarpyRampant · 12/01/2024 10:45

As a pp said, she’s telling you something about herself here. Of course you’re not in any way unreasonable. And if you happen to feel at some point in the future that you would like a relationship, then, as someone who is at peace with herself and likes her life, you will be in a great position to date without being vulnerable to idiots — it’s not as though you’ve taken a binding vow of celibacy.

Malarandras · 12/01/2024 10:46

I think the first reply is spot on. You are happy with your life and that is what matters most. We are not all the same as each other, nor are we the same throughout life. You may change your mind one day, or you may not. Neither is wrong!! Enjoy life and be true to yourself (sorry not sorry about the cliches!!).

Comedycook · 12/01/2024 10:46

Surely it's just personal preference. Some people are happy alone and others are happier in a relationship, also depends on where you're at in your life.. I think a lot of women after a failed marriage feel like you op..neither is right or wrong. The only time it's problematic is if someone is so desperate to not be alone they put up with any awful relationship.

DuplicateUserName · 12/01/2024 10:47

Truly content people tend not to let other people's comments on their life, prey on their mind.

This comment seems to have bothered you enough to think about it and then garner opinions from strangers.

Don't let it do that to you. Just continue doing you and if you're no longer happy in the future, then of course you can pursue a relationship.

But why is her comment bothering you now?

TeapotTitties · 12/01/2024 10:49

'Properly stunned' and 'utterly baffled' sounds a bit OTT here.

If you're happy with your life, there's no reason to overthink it.

Original poster

Cluelessat33 · 12/01/2024 10:51

@DuplicateUserName I suppose its because its not an isolated incident. So many people assume i want another bloke. Are surprised that I'm not interested or not looking. I was more interested about the mindset of her rather than questioning myself?

OP posts:

horseyhorsey17 · 12/01/2024 10:51

I'm not in a relationship (I'm late 40s, separated, two teenage kids) and I am happy with this. I don't want to be in a relationship! I like having my own house, freedom to do what I want, when I want, and sharing the bed with my cat and dogs! I'm an attractive woman (sorry if that sounds braggy) and often get 'oh I can't believe you're single' but it's through choice. I can't be arsed with the dating apps. I went on one date and he turned out to be a catfish so I gave up! I don't want a boyfriend right now anyway. Maybe that'll change in the future when my kids leave home, but if it ain't broke, don't fix it - that's my motto!

horseyhorsey17 · 12/01/2024 10:52

User135644 · 12/01/2024 10:43

If you get lonely down the line and want a relationship then you can pursue one then. You may never want to bother.

Some people can't stand the thought of being alone.

I've got too many family members in miserable relationships because they've got the 'it's better than being alone' mentality and I think that's one of the reasons I am single.

WandaWonder · 12/01/2024 10:53

I don't disagree with you but there is a lot of people who jump from one relationship to another and if they are single for more than 24 hours panic

Livelovebehappy · 12/01/2024 10:55

I was single for a while after a marriage breakdown. And must admit i was happy and had a fulfilling life. Think tho that its very dependent on your financial situation and your support neteork, especially if children are involved. But I know its not everyone's perspective.

Original poster

Cluelessat33 · 12/01/2024 10:55

@TeapotTitties to be fair, the way she worded it caught me off guard. She was absolutely adamant that my attitude was wrong and that I'd be very lonely when my daughter flew the nest and that by that point it would be too late. I think someone's response to your preference in that way is pretty surprising. And it's not as if my sole orbit is my daughter. I have a very fulla and fulfilling life while she's at her Dad's.

OP posts:

blobby10 · 12/01/2024 10:56

YANBU - I got divorced in 2015, met someone else 2017 and dated for over 5 years until he died end of 2022. The number of people who have asked me recently when I'm going to find a man (i'm 55!!) is getting wearisome! I adopted a dog just before Christmas and she has brought more light and happiness into my world than any other human. I'm really not interested in another human relationship. The only thing I do wish is that I had someone to help with big decisions like paint colours or sofa choices

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 12/01/2024 10:57

I get a lot of head tilts and "you'll find the right man soon, don't worry" type comments when people find out I'm single.

I don't want or need one of those men things thanks. I've had a few and it just isn't worth it.

I'm more than content with my kids and my dogs, and when the kids leave home then I don't want to be asking anyone's permission to get more dogs 🤣

CoffeeCup14 · 13/01/2024 08:38

I've been single for 12 years since my ex left. I've done bits of dating but nothing has evolved. My children both have additional needs, which means I don't have loads of time or energy. And the free time I do have, I like to spend with friends or doing things I like by myself. I'm very happy being single. I might like to have a relationship again at some point but it would need to be better than being single.

SouthEastCoast · 13/01/2024 08:42

I think it’s 12 years for me too and yes I do have teenagers at home but I really can’t ever imagine being in a relationship again.

Sunsea21 · 13/01/2024 08:46

I’ve been single for 3 years now since my marriage ended. I find it baffling the amount of women that can’t cope with being along and jump from relationship to relationship, introducing their children to all these men

DustyLee123 · 13/01/2024 08:51

I’m still married but I know that I’d never have another relationship, never live with someone again.
I find sharing a home/life with him very stressful now, and I know that living alone would remove that. Yes, it would bring other stresses, but ones I’d be in control of.

Gowlett · 13/01/2024 08:52

Came up all the time before I got married, aged 40.
I never had boyfriends, but I had plenty of fun!

I’d always get “how come a nice girl like you?” etc…
Also, regarding having a baby, it always came up.

It was the Bridget Jones era.
But also the SATC era, so…

Gowlett · 13/01/2024 08:55

I think a lot of my friends had ambitions to marry, get a mortgage, have kids. And I didn’t. It made folks uncomfortable.

jeaux90 · 13/01/2024 08:59

Good on you, I've been a lone parent for years and loved it. Being comfortable in your own skin and company is the best gift you can give yourself, it also means you won't compromise your boundaries for a shit relationship.

I've never understood people who "need" to be in a couple.

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