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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think a relationship isn't the be all and end all

57 replies

Cluelessat33 · 12/01/2024 10:27

I've been separated from my husband for nearly 4 years in that time I've had no other relationship, or been with anyone. At first perhaps I wanted to fill a hole, but now I'm absolutely not bothered. I've built a fab life I'm happy with. Happy with my peace, peace of mind, beautiful relationship with my daughter, comfortable peaceful home. I have lots of interests and I'm always busy.

But recently I had a conversation with someone, and they were genuinely surprised I wasn't interested in having another relationship. And then she basically said that was all very well and good that I wasn't interested in all that now, but I'd be lonely and miserable when my daughter left home. I was properly stunned. Am I wrong for being utterly baffled about this mindset that you can't have a happy fullfilled life without another person? Or is she right, and I will die a lonely old lady (hopefully 🤣) surrounded by cats and regret the fact I couldn't care less about having someone else in my life.

OP posts:
failingupwards · 13/01/2024 12:30

OP, you have a daughter and a good relationship with her. Chances are, she'll be there on your deathbed.

I'm single and I don't have any children. My friends will likely be too busy dying themselves to come see me when I'm dying.

I still don't regret being single.

I've had some long-term relationships and when I compare and contrast those to my life now, it's a no-brainer. I'm so much happier not compromising my wants and my values every single day because society thinks I should be coupled up. Even when the relationships were 'good', I was still compromising myself to some extent.

People say that you do have to compromise in a relationship... but the thing is, you don't have to compromise when you're on your own. And there is nothing wrong with me for not wanting to suppress part of myself.

Previous partners have been demanding of my time to the point where I was made to feel guilty for having a career with long hours and occasional travel and where I couldn't do any of the activities I wanted to do because they clashed with the time they felt I should reserve for them. I'm a woman. I face discrimination all the time and I shouldn't be doing anything to compromise my career and earning power as I'm starting from a disadvantage.

I had to spend my money buying things that I didn't want to do (namely expensive food and alcohol). I didn't save money being in a couple - it cost me money.

I felt under pressure to always look a certain way (part of this may have come from myself, but I wouldn't have felt it not in a relationship). I wore make up far too often and I felt under pressure to make sure my legs and armpits were always shaved.

I found myself trying to adapt to their hobbies (including watching shows in which I had zero interest). Funny how it never went the other way...

I was never the best version of me, because I was always trying to be the version that fit with them.

I have some lovely male friends, so I know it's possible for men to be a bit less shit than this, but the risk v reward just doesn't seem worth it for me. I'm definitely happy being on my own. I could be happy in a relationship, but I wouldn't be happier, and I could definitely be much less happy.

I've been better off financially and emotionally since being single, and I wonder what a relationship could offer me that I don't already have. The only thing I can come up with is regular sex, but even that comes with its own hassles (contraception, pregnancy scares) and no guarantee it will actually be good (the men in my age bracket are no longer young, so I may well meet someone with ED).

Putting myself in a position where I feel compromised and judged, where I feel less financially secure, and all for the chance of some disappointing sex...? It's just a really difficult sell.

Hereforaglance · 13/01/2024 13:14

Can see the ad in the dating site
Man needed for finiances and company and to be take on my child financially and emotionally incase i die
Yeah relationships r overrated better off single n independent
If you relying to social media and your friends to make all big decisions then thats a bigger problem

SuperBored · 13/01/2024 13:22

I've been on my own (except for DC) for around 8 years. I've never considered looking for anyone and am quite happy. Sounds probably worse than intended but I can't wait for my lovely DC to leave home so I can do things that I want to do and the last thing I can imagine that I would want at that point is to be dragged back by someone else's commitments.

Isthisasgoodasitis · 13/01/2024 18:35

I split with my oldests dad before she was born, it was just the two of us until she left university then home alone with 2 dogs and 12 cats I met someone got married had a baby 24 years after my first I’m now 51 happily married with a 2 year old 9 dogs and 30 cats ….

Wediblino7 · 13/01/2024 19:20

I’ve been on my own for 9 years and have no desire to change any time soon. Lots of people seem baffled that I’m happy. I feel quite sorry for people who feel the need to have to have someone, and surely the worst time to look is if/when you’re lonely, you’ll end up settling for anything. I can honestly say I never feel lonely. When I don’t have my children I take myself out for meals, I travel, I’m not missing out on anything and I enjoy my own company

Wediblino7 · 13/01/2024 19:25

@jeaux90 this! 🙌🏻

Cluelessat33 · 15/01/2024 11:40

I'm so pleased it's not just me. I love the time I spend with my daughter. But I also love the time I'm on my own. I take myself off on adventures with my dogs, doing road trips, camping, walking, discovering new places. I just see my future when my daughter is grown as just doing more of this.

🙌 to all the other women out there who joy their own company!

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