To think a relationship isn't the be all and end all

[Cluelessat33]

I've been separated from my husband for nearly 4 years in that time I've had no other relationship, or been with anyone. At first perhaps I wanted to fill a hole, but now I'm absolutely not bothered. I've built a fab life I'm happy with. Happy with my peace, peace of mind, beautiful relationship with my daughter, comfortable peaceful home. I have lots of interests and I'm always busy.

But recently I had a conversation with someone, and they were genuinely surprised I wasn't interested in having another relationship. And then she basically said that was all very well and good that I wasn't interested in all that now, but I'd be lonely and miserable when my daughter left home. I was properly stunned. Am I wrong for being utterly baffled about this mindset that you can't have a happy fullfilled life without another person? Or is she right, and I will die a lonely old lady (hopefully 🤣) surrounded by cats and regret the fact I couldn't care less about having someone else in my life.

I have been divorced far longer than I was married. Tried dating when my DS was younger and decided that the hassle of making sure his life was not inconvenienced by my choices was too much, so concentrated on being a mum, then as his need of me grew less, on being me.
Yes, when he left home to start his own life the house felt empty but that would not have been different with a partner would it? Empty nest syndrome and all that!
I work, I have friends, I attend functions (ie, weddings, birthday parties etc) as a single person, because I am a whole human being, I don't need someone else to complete who I am. A few years ago I did my first long holiday alone (3 weeks in America) and made so many new friends who I keep in touch with - wouldn't have happened if I had not been single.
Being lonely and miserable is something that can happen to you whether you have a partner or not, having another body in the house doesn't stop you from being lonely. The ONLY reason to be with someone is if you can't imagine life without them - obtaining a partner to fit the norm of what a friend feels is best is a weird concept. Just do what makes you happy!

I’m the same as you OP. 10 years down the line and still single, not been with anyone since. I’ve had a friend who’s had multiple partners and multiple engagements in this time who is also a single parent as they don’t seem to cope as a single. I’m happy. I’ve been told the same about being lonely in later life - probably because my parents divorced in their 50 and by 70s were still single. It’s my family telling me I need another partner. At the moment I just don’t even have time with 2 kids (pre teen and teen) who need constant fretting around to places and then I work part time etc. maybe I’ll change my mind. Maybe I won’t. The whole dating scene terrifies the life out of me these days with the online stuff, and I don’t really go nowhere to meet people (just more single people significantly older than or not the type I’d be getting together with (I’m a heterosexual woman and mainly work and go to places with women).

Your life sounds wonderful. And if you are happy, so why would you all of a sudden be miserable in a few years time? Relationships can be hard work, and after a marriage it’s perfectly normal to want to live life for yourself. If anything happened to my marriage I wouldn’t want another relationship either, and I think I’d be quite happy to do my own thing with the rest of my life. Live life your way not how someone thinks you should.

I’m sometimes alone, but never lonely. It’s what you make it! 💖

“Being lonely and miserable is something that can happen to you whether you have a partner or not, having another body in the house doesn't stop you from being lonely.”

This is so very true.

Everyone is different.

And also people go through different stages of their lives. You may well feel lonely when your kids leave home and that's fine if you want to pursue a relationship at that point.

Something I am learning more and more in life is that everything is temporary. People come and people go. Just enjoy them for the time that your lives overlap.

Once upon a time society was set up that women and men couldn't really survive without the other. They needed to marry to exchange sex and children for providing financial security. The UK at least is no longer like that. But a lot of people still believe it is.

I'm exactly the same as you. I won't feel lonely at all when DS leaves home, I like my own space and don't need someone there. I have plenty of friends and interests.

When I split with exDP after a long relationship I figured I had 3 options..

1. Get back together (This was a massive hell no!)

2. Get back on the dating scene (Which I had neither the time, energy or inclination for)

3. Enjoy the benefits of being single (Of which there are many!)

I went for option three and had 12 lovely years with my DS before meeting my now DP. We’ve been together 3yrs now and I wouldn’t want to be without him but if we’d met sooner it probably wouldn’t have worked.

Do what feels right for you now, knowing that there is always the option to change routes if/when you want to 😊

I don't need someone else to complete who I am

I do! It's got to be the right person and I was lucky to find him. I'd be miserable living alone.

However, I can understand that we're all different and some don't need a relationship to be content. So I don't project.

The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself! If you are happy with your own company, you won't be lonely. Nothing at all wrong with being happily single 😊

I get this all the time - previously I dwelled upon it but now as others have said it says more about the other person than you.
I’ve been single for years… I’m in my 30s, a mum of 1 teen and 1 nearly adult, I could be rich from the ‘have you got a man yet’ comments or ‘your kids will grow up one day’.

I future proofed my single life bought a house, work full time, enrolling in uni and adopted a puppy and yes a cat!- by the time my DC both hit adult years, il have my degree and potentially a bit more money, my puppy will become an only child and my cat numbers may of multiplied..

If you are happy with your own company, you won't be lonely

I don't agree. I'm perfectly happy in my own company for a few hours, a day but I would get lonely if I wasn't in a relationship. I think that's true for most people and a happy marriage is what I want most for my DD.

I except that some people don't feel this way but it doesn't mean that people who do need a relationship are in some way inadequate.

Thirteen years single here (am 58) and never been happier.

DC are mid twenties and left home at 18 for uni and stayed in uni city. I see them regularly and speak to them several times a week.

I have a great friendship group, hobbies, and a mentally demanding four day a week job.

Not remotely interested in accommodating some bloke and his needs, his family, whatever.

Some people aren’t happy in their own company or define their value by being paired up.

I know exactly what you mean. I had this when I was single after divorce.

even now I’m in a relationship, I view it very differently. No intention of moving in together, and I feel secure knowing that if it doesn’t work, I’m not going to tip my life upside down. ( maybe that means I have issues!)

Like you, being a single parent made me really value my network of friends and family, and frankly, was a far better investment of my time, than a relationship with a man who ( even at a subconscious level) sees you as his sidekick who is there to make his life easier.

I know there are men out there who value their OH as an equal partner but they’re rarer than people think.

But I think it maybe takes a break up of a traditional marriage to pull back the curtain and see that marriage isn’t the great institution it appears to be.

Well I’m afraid I DO think needing a relationship is a sign of inadequacy. Wanting one? Fine. But the mindset that anyone is better than no one is depressing. Why be so reliant on the presence of another person? The only person you can be 100% sure will be there the day you die is you.

You’re already projecting this attitude onto your daughter. Most people want their children to be happy. You specifically want her to have a happy marriage. Why the assumption that the second is necessary for the first?

Well I’m afraid I DO think needing a relationship is a sign of inadequacy

No, it's a perfectly normal for humans.

But the mindset that anyone is better than no one is depressing

Where did I say that? Nowhere!

You’re already projecting this attitude onto your daughter.

I'm projecting nothing. She sees her parents in a happy marriage based on love, trust, respect and fun. I want that for her but it will be up to her.

Right now she's a young adult at uni, great friends, lovely boyfriend, part time job, plans to travel. Much like I was at her age. Content in her own company but her friends are very important, more so than the boyfriend at this stage.

But that will probably change one day when friends pair up with partners and have children. Then I hope she has a happy marriage. Amongst other things, of course.

I think the mindset you’re describing is lopsided and, yes, ‘adequate’ n the sense that you’re not adequate to yourself. Also, you get that other sources of companionship are available as well as being in a relationship?

I certainly think it’s depressing you’re passing this attitude on to your daughter, that what you most want for her is a happy marriage!

Never say never, but for now anyway, I'm single, never been happier, and I KNOW that I'm happier than at least 90% of people that I know, who are in relationships.
Some people just look for a better match than their last one. Others won't settle for less than perfect, and being single is as close to perfect as I've found.
I love answering to noone, doing what I want, when I want, going where I want, with who I want, working when I want, where I want, etc, etc, with no-one questioning me, or wanting to know more. I get that not everyone feels the same, but I absolutely love it.

And then she basically said that was all very well and good that I wasn't interested in all that now, but I'd be lonely and miserable when my daughter left home.

Pretty sure you can be just as, if not more, lonely in a relationship. It’s the quality of the relationship more than the presence of one, surely?

Equally, when your daughter leaves home that’s your time to rediscover yourself, whatever that looks like for you (travel, a house move, a new job/career change, a social life, crawling home at 3am after a night of dancing with no one to judge you… 😂). The world becomes your oyster again.

Where did I say that? Nowhere!

You might not have used those specific words, but if you say you need a relationship rather than want one, that’s essentially what you mean.

I get this ALL the time. Think as well because I’m younger (27) people feel the need to tell me that I’ll end up with someone. That’s fine if it comes around in the future but no one seems to be able to accept it’s the truth when I say I’m totally content just as I am with DD and have zero desire to seek someone out

@HarpyRampant - I think the way you are reacting to my posts suggests that you are not entirely happy with your choices.

No, it's a perfectly normal for humans.

So everyone else on this thread is abnormal?

YANBU. Being able to enjoy one's life alone is a great gift.... sadly, the people who lack that gift really don't understand the contentment that comes from solo living. Keep doing whatever makes you happy, OP - it sounds like you have a wonderful life.

No. But nor are people who need a healthy, happy relationship inadequate. And I believe they are the majority.

I answered OP's question. Don't know why some of you are taking it so personally.