Body size ..

[Theearthisntflat]

Everyone knows or should know that commenting on a persons figure isn't appropriate, especially when they're a stranger. However I find that it's more often the norm when the person is slimmer. Let me digress. I was in the supermarket today standing by the Pandoro 'cause I love myself an after Christmas bargain and this was only 59p for a big one and I only really notice them at this time of the year.

Anyway, alongside me there were 3 other women all eyeing up this bargain and they'd never had it before and they clearly saw the excitement in my eyes and 'woman A' asked me if I'd had it, I joyfully expressed how bloody delightful this sweet cake bread is... THEN, 'woman B' piped up and said 'Haha, bet she doesn't eat it, look how skinny she is, have you ever eaten cake?' and then 'Woman C' said 'If you eat that and stay that skinny perhaps I'll buy 2'. ((Side note, I actually bought 3)).

Now, I am small, I am petite, 5'3 and 7 stone ish, but that doesn't give the right for anyone to comment on someone elses figure. I wonder if a larger lady was standing by the salad they'd say 'perhaps you should eat more of that' or if they were near cake 'don't eat that cause you're already fat'... NO, I highly doubt they would because it's not okay to do that regardless of size, but why do people feel it's okay to say it to someone who's small?

It's not flattering or a compliment to have my slim frame confirmed to me, I know I am small, they don't know my circumstances of why I am small, could be a health issue or an eating disorder, they just don't know. It is in fact an eating disorder I have dealt with for 35 years!!! I am not proud or like the fact I struggle with body dysmorphia but I am grateful for the times I am not as bad and my disordered brain 'allows' me the odd treat.

AIBU for not liking the double standards when it comes to talking about peoples a strangers body shape?

I don't see why you've had to list nasty insults you could give to overweight women! And the answer is yes, people do say shit things like that to fat people all the time. And they get openly sneered at. They also have people say things in a way these women talked to you. Not outright nasty, but hurtful nonetheless. So, it's not double standards. Not at all.

YANBU. Of course, these women thought they were being 'nice' as they have been conditioned to think being slim is the Holy Grail. I bet you've been told you're 'lucky' too!
Fat, thin or even average, it is downright rude to comment on someone else's bodyshape. We have no idea why a stranger is the shape they are. Yes, some people do over/undereat but others will be ill/recovering.

@Fionaville

I was merely giving examples of what could be said to a larger person if the tables were turned.

No double standards, those women were just very rude. Most people would know not to comment either way so as to not cause offence. It's a bit personal.

I'm sorry they made you feel so awful. You are right, it's rude to comment on a person's body size, whatever their shape.

If it's any comfort, I suspect they may have thought they were complimenting you as skinny is often seen as the desirable end of the body spectrum and overweight people do, sadly have negative comments when they are seen eating cake or whatever ... But I get that some people who wouldn't comment on a larger person's weight feel it's okay with a smaller person.

As you say, people often have no idea about why a person is the shape they are - people can be both small and large for both unknown physical and mental health reasons through no fault of their own ... And whatever the reason, there's no right to comment, unless you are a concerned medic perhaps.

I hope you were able to enjoy your cake though. :) xx

But you didn't need to, because the tables are already turned that way. Overweight people get insults and comments made to them all the time. You're right in that you say nobody should comment on your weight, or anybody else's, but wrong to assume it wouldn't happen to a fat person, because it does. All the time.

@RobertaFirmino

Never been called lucky, no.
People who do know me generally say 'oh.. you are so thin'... I don't want to hear it. I'm not one of these ED sufferers who thrives off being told they look underweight/skinny/thin. I am the opposite, to me it means the ED is controlling me. I like it when I weigh more, but sometimes unfortunately it takes hold and i lose weight.

I think either way, just say nothing to anyone about their weight.

@Fionaville

My mother is a plus size woman and I go shopping with her weekly and I have never one in all my life heard anyone say to her while she's been perusing the aisles in Tesco about what she's looking at and then mention her size. If they did I would be furious! But no, never happened, so I guess she's a lucky one.

https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/diet-nutrition/a35047908/what-is-thin-privilege/

OP I wholly agree that it’s always rude to comment adversely on another’s appearance. From what you’ve reported it sounds like the women thought they were praising your perceived will-power and saying they wanted to look more like you. Simply put, they think you are what they want to be.

However, by commenting at all, they made you uncomfortable, were insensitive to the possibility that you have had your own struggle, and proceeded on incorrect assumptions. What your post has done has given a good reason for all of us to stop assuming slim women enjoy being told they’re slim - but I do also feel you’re drawing a false equivalence.

You’ve had a go at reversing the situation. Personally, speaking as someone who’s been both very fat and very thin, I’d say if they’d said ‘yeah try a slice of cake, you uptight bag of bones’ that would have been a more accurate inversion of the sort of abuse get when you’re big. Or if they’d just seen you looking at cakes and laughed at you or rolled their eyes and walked away. Big people also never really get told ‘it must be really reassuring to know you’d take ages to die in a post-apocalyptic famine situation, or ‘I bet you give lovely soft cuddles.’

Those women’s attitudes arise from constant societal reinforcement and conditioning that people who look like you do are the gold standard of humanity. That’s why we can’t really just flip-reverse fat phobia.

There’s a whole lot more to it than commenting on a person’s build. There’s an unexamined, unchallenged presumption that thin body = admirable, superior being, endowed with desirable qualities, and fat body = greedy/lazy/pitiable being, plagued by character flaws. That negative bias infects all areas of life, even down to access to effective medical treatment and opportunities/employability.

However, none of that is to say thin people don’t face other serious issues, and that life is all great when you’re slender; that’s obviously not true, as you’ve shown, and I’m sorry you’ve been made to feel uncomfortable when all you wanted was a bit of cake.

People absolutely - & endlessly - make inappropriate comments when you are [perceived to be (too)] thin. Quite often they’ll loudly discuss - at great length - how disgusting you look (well within your earshot, I mean); & while in my case I don’t have an eating disorder (but won’t share my height & weight in case it triggers anyone reading who does) I frequently get to hear I need hospitalising for anorexia nervosa 🤨

Sadly people do make the sort of comments you mention re: salad to people they perceive to be “too fat”. You’re just less likely to notice it because they’re not being directed at you; & they are usually (though not always) brief interactions so not overhearing them isn’t wildly unlikely. If you’ve friends/family who experience it they may not feel comfortable sharing with you; either because of your size; or possibly your ED.

By the time I post my reply there will probably have been people along to say that comments like this are jokes. As with the ones made to people considered outwith the other end of the “acceptable size spectrum”; the comments would need to be funny to be jokes. It’s also not complimentary - people say some truly dreadful things.

Absolutely people shouldn’t go round commenting on other people’s bodies; & unfortunately it’s still broadly seen as socially acceptable to comment on the bodies of strangers perceived to be thin, while there’s some progress there at the opposite end of things. I don’t know how much progress there’s been with “that applies to people you know too”, though, & I think the answer is “not enough”.

The type of comment received does vary too - but that isn’t to say the harm doesn’t. Because while I completely understand why someone might think “how can anyone complain about being told how good they look for losing weight?!” - for all the people with eating disorders, that’s fuel all over the flames. I’ve been told by more than one friend that they can’t even enjoy the compliment in the moment because their “ED voice” jumps straight in about how they’re going to gain weight because xyz/they need to lose more so they’ll look better/the person is lying… And if you’re desperately struggling to [re]gain weight, your hair’s falling out, you’re freezing all the time, you can’t sit comfortably even on your specialist wheelchair cushion & preventing pressure sores is a real battle? “God I wish I was as skinny as you - I’d be showing my figure off, not covering it up in baggy stuff!” It’s… one of those death by a thousand cuts things, I suppose? Admittedly in my case things are complicated by the presence of my wheelchair, which seems to cause some people to lose the inability to interact with me as if I am another adult human 🙄

YABABU OP, because, unfortunately, there aren’t actually double standards, just a slight - & long overdue - improvement at the opposite end of things. It’s still happening & people are only too ready to jump in & offer unsolicited advice on diet & exercise & give doom-laden health warnings (am sure you know the drill too, for that matter). I do think, though, that anyone inclined to “complaints like this are just showing off/my diamond shoes are too tight” needs to give their head a bit of a wobble, too. I can’t wear diamond shoes at all with the type of AFO I have, for a start 😉 I’m sure there are people who’d pseudo-moan about it (& the trip hazard of men constantly falling at their feet despite their perfect DH; the faff of getting their 9yo DC to Royal Ballet School Associate Classes AND the ROH Youth Opera Company etc etc…) but there are lots of us being told we “shouldn’t be allowed out looking like that”; having it suggested we deliberately starve ourselves (very distressing when you physically cannot eat very much & I imagine upsetting even if you do have a restrictive ED); that we shouldn’t be given food because obviously we purge everything we eat… so OP isn’t complaining about an endless stream of compliments she simply hasn’t got the strength to keep batting away.

I’m sure, OP, after 35 years you’re well acquainted with them, but if you’re in the UK & you’re struggling, or anyone else on the thread is, please contact Beat Eating Disorders for some support. BodyWhys in Ireland, Butterfly in Australia, NEDIC in Canada, EDANZ in New Zealand, & NEDA in the USA. 💐

I think it’s because being thin/slim is seen as ‘desirable’ whereas being fat isn’t. In some peoples minds they’re paying you a compliment.

Oh OP don't ruin it for the rest of us. I love people commenting that they think I'm slim/skinny.

I've been overweight though so I know how it feels to be ACTUALLY insulted for your weight.

It’s the touching I use to hate. People picking me up or putting their hands around my wrist/waist.

Are you either underweight or at the low end of the healthy weight range? If not, you may not have experienced the actual insults that very slim or thin people get.

Of course that's rude - the women made unsolicited personal comments about you without knowing you. I don't think I've ever had anyone comment on my weight in a supermarket (and I've been big in the past) - it's not a social norm.
More generally, I think people do feel more comfortable commenting on people's slimness because this is seen as desirable in our society (whole industries are built around weight loss) so it may be assumed that people will take such comments as compliments. It's a shame (and inappropriate) when this comes across as intrusive or critical, but it's just not stigmatised to the extent that being overweight it.

They were rude, there's no question about it.

As someone who's been overweight since I was 11 I can state with absolute certainty that people have no issues commenting to fat people, they are just more likely to be overtly offensive. I've had cars filled with teens shouting insults at me as I walk down the street. It's the go to comment for anyone who is for any reason unhappy with me, if I don't move out of the way fast enough in the supermarket and that annoys the kind of person who would insult a stranger then you can guarantee any sneery rude comments will be able my size.

People are horrible sometimes.

OK YANBU whatever but I need to know which supermarket?!

Have you ever asked your mum whether she has had comments made to her? I have one I remember is when I was eating a packet of crisps waiting for a bus and a random woman said to me ‘you’ll never lose weight eating those’ this was when I was a student and a size 14.

It’s all dreadful.

My very underweight teen (physical health issue) hates comments on how ‘skinny’ she is. She feels ugly and unattractive and that no boy will ever like her. She wants boobs and a bum. These comments really affect her.

I had them when I was very thin at a particular stressful life stage. I was asked if for dinner I was going to eat three grains of rice etc. Or compared to a famine victim. It was very unpleasant.

But there is also no getting away from the fact society favours thin over fat. And so some people genuinely thus cannot see how ‘skinny’ can ever be an insult. And nobody ever calls someone fat as a compliment. Whereas they do for ‘skinny’.

I don't see how an abbreviation for 'skin and bones' could ever be seen as a compliment!

Perfect post

I used to be very skinny (not anymore)! and I completely agree with you. The comments were all the time it is very rude and I was very self conscious of it. And I agree everyone would be shocked if you commented on an over weight person's weight to their face. But I do think as a society people judge those who are overweight so it is difficult for them but just in a different way.

I have had people comment on my weight - off the top of my head l can think of 3 occasions - mostly middle aged or older men funnily enough and one of them was all hurt and offended when l insulted him back right away. Told me l was rude but somehow it wasn't rude that he told me l need to lose some.

Never ok to comment.

It’s really not a flattering description (macilent doesn’t improve matters) is it @AvengedQuince; but people intending it as a compliment (which some people do) seem to mean it as a synonym for “slender” rather than, well, its actual meaning. Of course there are also people who who use it as an open insult; & then those who take advantage of the first group to provide cover/plausible deniability for their spite-spitting.

Op I've been at both ends, and the comments when I was really overweight were easier than when I was extremely thin. Meds to get pregnant made me extremely nauseous and I was down to 6 stone living on build up soups. It made me so hyper aware of being infertile.My mother eventually asked if I had an eating disorder so i was then worried about how thin i looked. I just wanted to scream. People don't think and it's not intentional to hurt. You'll be far more sensitive to comments because of the stress of dealing with your ED. Women tend to very readily discuss their figure, weight and diet which I think leads to making remarks that a stranger may find upsetting. It doesn't make it right, but at least you know it wasn't meant to be hurtful.