Body size ..

[Theearthisntflat]

Everyone knows or should know that commenting on a persons figure isn't appropriate, especially when they're a stranger. However I find that it's more often the norm when the person is slimmer. Let me digress. I was in the supermarket today standing by the Pandoro 'cause I love myself an after Christmas bargain and this was only 59p for a big one and I only really notice them at this time of the year.

Anyway, alongside me there were 3 other women all eyeing up this bargain and they'd never had it before and they clearly saw the excitement in my eyes and 'woman A' asked me if I'd had it, I joyfully expressed how bloody delightful this sweet cake bread is... THEN, 'woman B' piped up and said 'Haha, bet she doesn't eat it, look how skinny she is, have you ever eaten cake?' and then 'Woman C' said 'If you eat that and stay that skinny perhaps I'll buy 2'. ((Side note, I actually bought 3)).

Now, I am small, I am petite, 5'3 and 7 stone ish, but that doesn't give the right for anyone to comment on someone elses figure. I wonder if a larger lady was standing by the salad they'd say 'perhaps you should eat more of that' or if they were near cake 'don't eat that cause you're already fat'... NO, I highly doubt they would because it's not okay to do that regardless of size, but why do people feel it's okay to say it to someone who's small?

It's not flattering or a compliment to have my slim frame confirmed to me, I know I am small, they don't know my circumstances of why I am small, could be a health issue or an eating disorder, they just don't know. It is in fact an eating disorder I have dealt with for 35 years!!! I am not proud or like the fact I struggle with body dysmorphia but I am grateful for the times I am not as bad and my disordered brain 'allows' me the odd treat.

AIBU for not liking the double standards when it comes to talking about peoples a strangers body shape?

Someone mentioned about the wrist grabbing ... yes and also I've had the bit above my knee grabbed and was told 'that's smaller than the top of my arm'. I don't know what to say to those comments even when they are coming from someone who's much bigger than me I would NEVER EVER EVER say anything derogatory or insensitive about their size. I find the whole body commenting/shaming a disgusting part of society that a lot of people have to deal with. It's not acceptable for anyone.

Sometimes I look at myself and even though I have an ED I'm an anomaly who can see I look 'unhealthy/ill', dealing with this shit for years my logical brain does have the ability to notice while the fucked up part still lingers so I don't want that clarifying when I try my hardest to eat and be a normal weight. I'm at a pretty stable weight at the moment, not losing and not gaining.

I find people rarely make comments on people's body shapes in public now. I can assume these women were trying to make a joke, make polite convo and were envious of your slim figure. I know what it is like to have ED as I'm a long term sufferer. Please don't take this to heart, they were old fashioned/ blunt etc but were clearly not trying to be rude. They were admiring your figure. Not that people should do that but when it's bigger people I would imagine the comments are usually a lot more nasty and offensive. (though maybe said more under their breath rather to their face).

@BobbyBiscuits

One of the women was probably early 30s and the others mid 50s. Not much older than me and I know better than to go up to a smaller person and comment on their figure. It's never a compliment. I was wearing really baggy clothes too so it wasn't as if I was putting my slimness out there.

@BobbyBiscuits I haven't had comments when I've been a normal healthy weight or on the cusp of overweight, which was fat for my build. I had plenty said when I was underweight, and more muttered in passing.

There’s an unexamined, unchallenged presumption that thin body = admirable, superior being, endowed with desirable qualities, and fat body = greedy/lazy/pitiable being, plagued by character flaws.

Pp, it seems like you've twisted these definitions to fit your point.

Thin can be athletic and healthy, or it can mean scrawny and gaunt.

Fat can be curvy and womanly or it can be obese and flabby.

You've chosen the positive definition for one and the negative for another. As someone who is in the negative-thin category, I know when people are insulting my body. They're not doing it out of jealously or because I'm the ideal - they do it because they think I'm unattractive and an easy target for ridicule.

I agree that these words have been twisted. Also, if I meant a positive image of the lower end of athletic and healthy I would say slim not thin. Thin definitely gives me a more negative image of being weak and undernourished and 'heroin chic' has not been desirable in a long time now.

Your BMI puts you in the underweight category but I’m sure you know that.

Sorry this happens OP. I know you wouldn’t want to, but I imagine calmly replying, “Actually I have an eating disorder” would be the ideal way of making people stop and think about what they say in future.

I completely agree with you about it not be acceptable to discuss anyone's body size, but disagree where you say that people wouldn't say anything about a fat person, because they most definitely do.

I remember once I was picking some crispy creme doughnuts for one of my DCs birthday. I don't like doughnuts at all so I never buy them except twice a year especially for their birthdays. Somebody walked past, made eye contact, and shouted "regular occurrence!" at me. This was about 2 years ago and it still stings to the point I've got tears rolling down my face now.
At work, I regularly hear that fat people are "allergic to salads".
"Imagine lugging 16 stone around while you're working, Breakfast! That's a lot of weight to be dragging around, how could they even work in this place if they're that big? They won't last long" Well, if you were interested I could probably tell you because I weigh more than that and do okay!

It does happen. You probably haven't seen it because it isn't directed at you. You're right, it isn't okay to comment on anyone's size, but it happens both sides of the spectrum.

Speaking as an overweight person, I agree that it's always wrong to comment on other people's bodies but I can also imagine these ladies misguidedly thought they were paying you a compliment.

I am about 3 stone overweight and oh man, I've had some horrible comments. I remember being on a bus as a student and a man got on and decided to sit next to me, but not before saying 'budge up fatty'.

Another time I was at a family buffet and went for dessert and a family member said 'you don't look like you need that'. And on and on! Yes I know I'm overweight and yes I've spent my whole life wrestling with it...do people think that by pointing it out I'll suddenly have a lightbulb moment and be instantly cured of the thorn of emotional eating?

I have a family member who is morbidly obese and effectively disabled by her weight. She manages to get out but faces non stop stares and huffs and puffs from other people. Sometimes I just want to yell at people for their ignorant gawping. At the end of the day, her issues are a mental health/addiction problem just like any other but unfortunately whereas most people can hide their secret sins and obsessions, she wears the effects on her body.

The point is that I agree, it is always wrong to comment on other people's bodies, but trust me when I say people of all shapes and sizes get it!

And if you’d been a size 8 she would not have said anything. This is what thin privilege is.

Way back when I was low weight (not with an ED, just didn't weigh a lot) I found people were overly interested in my eating. If I had an ED, I am sure the scrutiny would have made it worse, as it was, I felt I was being treated like a child who couldn't look after herself. If I was under the weather with a perfectly common cold, people at work would ask me if I was eating properly, followed by, 'are you sure?' when I answered 'yes'. People talked about me in front of me..."l don't think she eats enough". Even when they had seen me eat 3 rounds of sandwiches. I ate tons, it just didn't go anywhere (not like that now).

Then you would get the downright insults - "you need meat on your bones, you look ill". "You would look so much better with a bit more weight on".

Everybody seemed to think my weight was their business. Everybody seemed to think it was their duty to tell me about it, as if I hadn't noticed. Everybody was also suddenly medically qualified as well. 'It's not healthy'. I was perfectly healthy, thank you.

And if you’d been a size 8 she would not have said anything. This is what thin privilege is.

Well no shit- why should somebody be telling a size 8 to lose weight? Instead you'll get equally horrible comments about gaining weight.

What I meant was,thin people don’t get negatively judged if seen eating something like crisps, but fat people do. It’s seen as the reason they are fat.

Just to add, I was on the contraceptive injections at the time and I would get it in the surgery. I don't know if they still do this, but in the 90s they weighed you every time you went in. The nurse put on a stern face and asked in an accusatory tone why I had lost one measly pound since I was last in. I had no idea. Maybe last time I was in, I had just eaten a big meal?

The waist grabbing makes me shudder.

What I meant was,thin people don’t get negatively judged if seen eating something like crisps, but fat people do. It’s seen as the reason they are fat.

Yes... instead you get judged for not eating enough and people make a massive deal of they see you eat. Of course it won't be exactly the same scenario.

@KimberleyClark try being a thin vegetarian. The comments roll in. 'You need meat, girl, no wonder you're so skinny. You need fattening up.'
I wasn't allowed to not fancy a bit of cake, either (admittedly that was rare, I love cake, but sometimes it happened). 'Oh, go on. It's not like you need to lose weight' followed by audible mutterings about anorexia (because being thin makes you deaf as well, apparently).

OP I completely agree, but you will get (from experience on here) other posters who aren't thin or who are overweight / obese racing to the bottom, invalidating your feelings as 'it's so much worse to call someone fat' and 'no one wants to be fat' and 'fat people get this treatment all the time'

I hear you. I am tiny, I've struggled to put on weight after cancer / chemo and even before that I've always been small. I was told my bump 'wasn't a proper bump' and 'my baby wouldn't grow' in my tummy as I had a tiny bump up until the end.

It's grim. No one should comment on anyone's bodies, fat, thin, big, small, normal, or whatever else.

Why do you think that's helpful to this thread?

Flamin' hell, do you walk up to recovering alcoholics and wave a bottle of good Scotch under their noses too?

@KimberleyClark

Yes, yes, I realise I am at the lower end of the BMI range.

What I think is quite important to mention is that as an 11-14 year old I was exceptionally overweight, very big for my age/height etc. I was relentlessly bullied, beaten, spat at, verbally abused for being that fat kid at school (hence why I have an ED, somethings you just can't get over) so I have been involved with both ends of the bullshit that society believes it's acceptable to put upon individuals.

I read what someone else said. 'Why don't you just have a nice stew and dumplings or meat pie?' ... I AM a vegetarian and have been for 32 years, so no, I won't be eating either of those things to make YOU happy.

I was asked just today 'are you getting thinner'...... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This is getting so boring now. And what is ironic, I might be slim but my perimenopausal stomach is quite special. Permanently bloated.

Fed up with the word 'skinny' being used if you're not fat. It's passive aggressive.

Even 'thin', there's a huge number of people in the middle who are just a normal healthy weight.

I've been called skinny, thin, skeletal, bag of bones, emaciated, repulsive, starving, gaunt (hate that one).... list goes on!