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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I had a "me" in my life

70 replies

GauntJudy · 10/01/2024 23:33

Today I had to collect my car from the garage, a 20 minute walk in the rain. I mostly get on with stuff but today I just thought "if I had a me in my life this wouldn't be happening".

Close friends and family don't drive cos they don't need to. But I need to, and part of that is ferrying them around. I get an online shop and get requests from various people who want me to add stuff for them. I'm meeting friends this week, it was me trying to get a date out of them, me booking the restaurant.

I feel like I'm Barbara Royle, surrounded by Jims. Must be nice to have someone in your life who just does all this stuff for you.

I'm single. Maybe this is the benefit of being in a relationship (although my last relationship was just another Jim Royle in my life).

Sigh. I'm just moaning!

OP posts:
BillionaireTea · 10/01/2024 23:35

Just...don't do the things? If someone asks you for a thing don't do it?

It's surprisingly easy.

AndThatWasNY · 10/01/2024 23:35

Just stop doing it. Why be a martyr?

NoCloudsAllowed · 10/01/2024 23:36

As above. It sounds like you're a bit of a walkover.

Prioritise yourself more.

KnowsWhatAGiraffeIs · 10/01/2024 23:37

Another one saying just cut the nonsense. Stop throwing yourself on the floor for people to walk all over and just live your own life. Sorted.

KnowsWhatAGiraffeIs · 10/01/2024 23:37

Also serious ick territory thinking of anyone resembling the Royle Family as decent dating material. 🤢

Raise your standards OP!

NoCloudsAllowed · 10/01/2024 23:38

I think helping people out is good if it's a two way street. This doesn't sound like that.

PurplePansy05 · 10/01/2024 23:39

I often feel like this even though I'm married and have enough good friends. I'm learning to say no and stand by it, and also not to offer anything or go above and beyond for those who won't ever reciprocate it in ways that would help me. I've realised my time is limited and precious and I'm the boss deciding how to use it. I've wised up.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 10/01/2024 23:40

Hmm, if I had loads of people thinking I was always around to help them out without any reciprocity I'd start ignoring requests or conveniently forgetting them.

Original poster
GauntJudy · 10/01/2024 23:43

KnowsWhatAGiraffeIs · 10/01/2024 23:37

Also serious ick territory thinking of anyone resembling the Royle Family as decent dating material. 🤢

Raise your standards OP!

Huh? Ex treated me in a manner much like Jim Royle. Family sit on arses while I run round..like Jim Royles. To clarify, I have no interest in dating Jim.Royle!

OP posts:
MrsNandortheRelentless · 10/01/2024 23:44

Oh Gaunt I would absolutely LOVE to have you as a friend from your Barb Royal.. “get the door Barb” reference alone!!

You sound bloody lovely! Kind, thoughtful and a practical resilient kind of person.
Yes, I agree, you are a great person to have around.

unnumber · 10/01/2024 23:44

I don't drive and I never bother other people for help, lifts etc. It's never been easier to get things delivered. And if you have so many annoying people near enough to assign errands to you, you can't live that remotely.

Be more selective and don't feel bad about saying no.

Original poster
GauntJudy · 10/01/2024 23:46

#BeMoreDenise

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 10/01/2024 23:51

Yeah i get fed up of the Strategic incompetence. It ends up being easier to sort things yourself.

No more lifts from you I say!

OwlWeiwei · 10/01/2024 23:51

You do need to set boundaries. Don't tell people you are doing an online order. If they ask when you are next doing one, say you aren't as you've decided to go on an economy drive and use up what you have.

Don't ferry people around all the time. Do they offer you petrol money? Do they give you presents to say thank you? Do they do bits of DIY or cooking for you so there's a fair exchange of favours? If not, don't feel any guilt at all at being unavailable for a few months when people want a lift. Don't be available at the times they need. Or say the car needs servicing. Or say you have backache that is exacerbated by driving so you are only doing essential journeys for now.

Or try asking some of them for a favour. Ask if they would just help with DIY or decorating/decluttering your home or would bake you some bread etc. If they say no, it will be easier for you to say no back. If they say yes then you are getting what you wanted - a 'you' to help life go more smoothly.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 10/01/2024 23:51

I get an online shop and get requests from various people who want me to add stuff for them. I'm meeting friends this week, it was me trying to get a date out of them, me booking the restaurant.

Just…don’t? This is all bizarre to me. They don’t even need to drive to get an online shop so just tell them you’re not doing it this week/month and repeat. They will have to sort themselves out!

Don’t arrange a meet up for a while and see if someone else steps up. If not just enjoy the break from organising stuff.

I suspect you are a bit of a martyr and people pleaser?

Feliciacat · 10/01/2024 23:52

I think all the advice on this thread is excellent. I used to feel like I wished I had a me in my life. Looking back, I was being a martyr and putting everyone before myself. I was actually very unhappy.

Putting yourself first will feel ‘mean’ when you’re not used to it. Try and see it as that by putting yourself first, you’re giving yourself a you in your life. Because then you’re treating yourself in the nice way that you usually reserve for others. Your life will transform for the better.

Original poster
GauntJudy · 10/01/2024 23:56

Yeah I do need to put a stop to it, I like the phrase Strategic Incompetence @ZenNudist , that's exactly it!

OP posts:
OwlWeiwei · 10/01/2024 23:56

Feliciacat · 10/01/2024 23:52

I think all the advice on this thread is excellent. I used to feel like I wished I had a me in my life. Looking back, I was being a martyr and putting everyone before myself. I was actually very unhappy.

Putting yourself first will feel ‘mean’ when you’re not used to it. Try and see it as that by putting yourself first, you’re giving yourself a you in your life. Because then you’re treating yourself in the nice way that you usually reserve for others. Your life will transform for the better.

This is true. You feel really mean at first. I felt sick the first time I said no to someone and they looked so shocked. But after a while, people get used to the fact that you won;t be pushed around any more. Loads of people drop you and that leaves space in your life for new friends who have never known you as a doormat and don't expect it of you. I was a doormat for decades. Then I stopped, about 10 years ago. Now I find it quite easy to say no to people. I never feel guilty turning down cheeky fuckers and only agree to help people who I think deserve it. (People who don't take you for granted.)

MrsNandortheRelentless · 10/01/2024 23:57

Gaunt are you being one lazy get? 🤣

Would you like some wafer thin ham? Would that help?
It’s a shame for you love!

Original poster
GauntJudy · 10/01/2024 23:59

Have you been laminated @MrsNandortheRelentless ?

OP posts:
MrsNandortheRelentless · 11/01/2024 00:00

Throughout, I’ve been laminated throughout.

EmmaEmerald · 11/01/2024 00:01

When I read your title I thought I'd be in agreement

But you aren't just being a bit helpful, you're being a martyr. I had to give up driving, I don't ask for lifts. People can get their own deliveries. And you don't have to be the social secretary.

mn29 · 11/01/2024 00:03

If you let people take advantage of you then they will. Just say no! Someone wants a lift? “Sorry I can’t” (no need to explain why). Repeat every time they ask. Someone wants something delivered? “sorry I can’t”. Don’t arrange meet ups, don’t book restaurants. Wait until someone else bothers (it may take a long time!). If someone asks “are you going to sort a date for meet up soon?” then your response should be that you always do it so it’s someone else’s turn.

MrsNandortheRelentless · 11/01/2024 00:05

You need a break you do. Get booking the Pearl of pissing Prestatyn.
There’s no chip pan but it’s en-suite and you have to travel in kilometres.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/01/2024 00:28

I had to vote YABU because you really shouldn’t be doing all this for the people in your life. You need to start saying no!