To wish I had a "me" in my life

[GauntJudy]

Today I had to collect my car from the garage, a 20 minute walk in the rain. I mostly get on with stuff but today I just thought "if I had a me in my life this wouldn't be happening".

Close friends and family don't drive cos they don't need to. But I need to, and part of that is ferrying them around. I get an online shop and get requests from various people who want me to add stuff for them. I'm meeting friends this week, it was me trying to get a date out of them, me booking the restaurant.

I feel like I'm Barbara Royle, surrounded by Jims. Must be nice to have someone in your life who just does all this stuff for you.

I'm single. Maybe this is the benefit of being in a relationship (although my last relationship was just another Jim Royle in my life).

Sigh. I'm just moaning!

I used to charge friends for lifts who didn’t drive and expected me to be a taxi service. Just get a pot that you hand to them when they get in and say “pop your petrol money contribution in there”. You’ll find the requests for lifts start to decline.

It really is down to you setting and holding boundaries. I sat that as someone who struggles with this myself ad slips back into bad habits.

Oer Christmas has been bad - I've hosted in laws, a nye party and husbands friends in our house.lots of meeting others needs and not mine.

Why? Because somehow I'd slipped back into not meeting my own needs. I don't know why I slip back in, but it's always a revelation to stop and reflect on this behaviour

I did get a martyr sense from you, OP.

Stop doing anything for people who don’t help you.

I’ve cultivated the lazy image, people expect very little from me and that’s how I like it. I never ask for favours either.

My elderly neighbour who wants to talk to me daily? Ignored
My friend who wants me to drive us to shopping outlets? Ignored
My MIL who wants a weekly call? Ignored

I do the things that are important to me, which is making sure my elderly mum gets to her hospital appts, has her medication and has company.

Everyone else is young enough to manage on their own.

I can't relate to the driving as all my friends and family drive but I can relate to the other. I am the organiser in my group, the one who's always organising the weekends away, always booking the tickets, always texting to arrange drinks, I'd love if one of my friends just texted me to plan a night out.
It's not that are going out without me, they just wait for me to organise. If we have a night in, it's always in my house. Not just my group but also dh group of friends

Omg I hear you! I’d love a me in me life too!
lots of initiative taking, and organising here too and not enough ‘can you do that pls!’

If you did not like the feeling of being a martyr you would quicly learn the word no, is it a attention you like?

I used to be like you then I decided to prioritise "me". I answer "no" even when things would be easy to do (at work I go the extra mile but that helps with promotions etc)

"Can you go to the shop for me" ? " no, sorry that's not convenient as I have to run several errands"

Can you pick me up since it's on your way "that will cost you £20".

I REALLY do it and people respect me more and actually I feel I take more friends since I started doing this

There's only one number one (unless you have children) and that's YOU

I used to be like this then l turned 40 and thought no more!!
People only take the piss if you let them.
Time to toughen up and learn the word no op.
You can do it - start small.

How do people know you're doing an online shop??

See my user name. It’s so very easy for people to say stop being a martyr but depending on why it’s not so easy to do. In my case i prioritised being nice over all else and certainly wasn’t doing it for any praise.

whay worked for me, might work for you was faking an illness that meant I got home from work and was entirely unavailable, same at weekend. Could not get out of bed. Once a day answered any calls with a text saying I was terribly poorly. Then about 2 weeks where I would hear the request but not be able to do it because I was still recovering and couldn’t be relied upon so you best get on with it yourself. By the end of that I had practise no, and set some boundaries.

I feel you though I alined more to Edna Everages Madge.

You’re thinking of this the wrong way round. You don’t need a ‘you’ in your life, you just need to stop people-pleasing and martyring yourself. I can’t drive, and I have never expected lifts from anyone. I live in a city centre, a short walk to work, use public transport or cycle, and get things delivered. Your friends and family don’t ‘need’ you to ferry them around, just as you don’t need to keep offering lifts and telling the world about online orders.

As someone said: why do people even know you're doing an online shop?

It's not that you have to be "mean" or put your foot down or say "no" to everything. Just absent yourself. Don't arrange stuff. Be busy or otherwise engaged.

And there's nothing wrong with a certain degree of kindness or doing favours for someone in any case although it's common practice on MN never to put yourself out for anyone, ever.

The poster above who said she wouldn't even do a weekly phone call to her MIL is out of order. That's not being a martyr, it's doing something small and ordinary for someone once a week and wouldn't put you out.

Very rarely do i read a thread title and think 'that could have been written by me' but i did here.

Whenever I am hesitating about doing something for someone (and feeling guilty if I don't) I always ask myself 'would they do this for me?'

The answer is invariably no, so the guilt goes away.

It's not that no one ever does anything for me, it's just that in the relationships where we do things for each other it seems completely natural and never becomes an issue.

I know what you mean. I wish I had a 'me' in my life too.

I ask people how they are and genuinely want to know. If somebody has something difficult they've been dealing with I make an effort to check in with them and offer my support, lend an ear.

Nobody does that for me. In fact my oldest friend never bothers to ask how I or my children are, he just talks at me when he's happy about something or wants to get something off his chest.

So you enjoy the feeling of being needed? I can’t see why you wouldn’t say no otherwise.

If they say, ‘but I’ll have to walk to collect my car from the garage if you don’t take me’ then reply-yes, that’s what I have to do!

‘What would Lady Catherine de Bourgh do?’ might be a useful question at certain points.

Although the answer might be ‘Boss everyone about, boast about your own non-piano playing, tell people what type to marry, and leave all social situations snapping ‘I take no leave of your mother!’

My friend told me this saying. 'Don't put yourself on fire to keep other people warm.' I think this is what you are doing. Going above and beyond for others who aren't that greatful. Tell people your online shop is full. Say no to lifts. Or if you have to tell them you need petrol money. Everyone is taking to piss as you have been so helpful for so long. The petrol money could cover you a taxi fare to pick your car up. P.s. I love Jim Royale!

I think that you need to be less available. The sickness for a week or two is a good idea. This gets people out of the habit of relying on you.

After this, then say no to every second request. People are more appreciative when you help them less often.

I know a gap will be left when the users stop contacting you. As a single person, seek out groups or sports you can join eg choir, walking. You will meet new people and will be less likely to 'keep in' with the users for (one sided) friendships.

It is important to make space for decent people in your life. If you continue as you are, you will need help fron the users and they will drop you. You will become very hurt and bitter unless you start taking steps now to look after yourself.

I have no idea what half the replies on this thread mean but I love them!

@GauntJudy

OP People will always ask for more, the more you do things for them. Why can't they do their own online shopping - maybe do yours earlier so they then have to take responsibility for their own groceries. Why do you gave to be their chauffeur all the time - and do they ever offer you petrol costs?

As far as always being the person to get a date for/book a restaurant maybe speak up and say "actually I booked the last few, maybe someone else can take a turn..". Yes you're being kind but you're also being taken for granted. 🌹

Why don’t you say no sometimes? It’s not your job to ferry people around just because you drive and they don’t? You need to help yourself a bit here.

People will treat you in the way you allow them to.

I get that all these things can kind of creep up on you and you suddenly realise that everyone around you is taking the piss, but once you’ve seen it, you can’t unsee it.

Stop being so ready to let people treat you like this

People asking you to put things on your online shopping is so selfish! They are saving themselves a 5 minute job (doing their own online order) but adding to your to-do list; you'll have to separate out their things, communicate with them about their arrival and no doubt drop them over (I was going to ask if they at least came and collected the items but of course they don't!).

That's an easy one to put a stop to right away.

The online shopping thing is just wierd, (sorry). I'm a massive pushover and people pleaser and even I wouldn't do that!

The organising thing I relate to though. I don't mind 90% of the time. It's a sacrifice worth making because otherwise I wouldn't have any friends or ever go out. ("Just make better friends" - it's really not that easy). But I'd love to out with a friend or on a date to a restaurant or place that I didn't research, plan and book. It's basically never happened.