To be upset by health visitor comment?

[Squashie]

I took 3 month old DS to be weighed today and he was chewing on his hands (which he has been constantly doing for the last few weeks) and she commented “he’s clearly hungry, mummy must be starving you”. He had just had a big bottle 20 mins prior and I know the comment was probably made in jest but thinking about it when I got home I think it’s not really the right thing for them to be saying even as a joke? Baby is weighing well on 50th centile but I’m really struggling with PND and have really taken this to heart

@Squashie
There are two things going on here, and neither are your fault.

Firstly the HV made an insensitive and unacceptable remark. She should know better and a remark like that shouldn't be made. Unfortunately some HV's are unprofessional.

Secondly having PND makes it harder to shrug off stupidity like this.

A good way to deal with things like this is not to complain, but to explain. If you wanted to - and you don't have to - you could explain to the service the impact of the remark and request a change of HV going forwards. The HV clearly needs training, because alienating new mothers who have PND is dangerous.

But if you can put it out of your mind, do, because the comment is a reflection on the HV, not you.

so every single time someone says something you don't like 'just ring up and order another one'

ok then

It’s random conversation without meaning to fill in space. Obviously if they believe your baby was being starved there would have been a targeted discussion and plan about rectification. That didn’t occur because they didn’t think your baby was being starved.

If the HV didn’t speak or make (banal) conversation, you would still be on here but instead saying how unsettled you are by this.

One of the joys of having subsequent babies was knowing that health visitors were an optional service. It’s too long ago now for me to remember the details but I also got lots of comments like that which triggered me and maybe I was over sensitive, but there was definitely a bit of under-braining going on on the part of the HV too.

With absolute compassion and empathy- it was a joke, and something that people say a lot about babies just to chat and be friendly.

That said, a health visitor should know that their words can be given a lot of weight by anxious mothers. She's not some random old lady on the bus chatting with you- she's there to monitor your child's development.

I'm sorry you're experiencing PND and I hope you feel better soon. It's not easy.

That's a silly comment from a health professional to a new mum - they should have known better.

I don’t think I’ve come away from a single HVs appointment not feeling a little judged. The first few appointments I took it to heart but now just nod and smile when I’m in there and then my DH and I just roll our eyes and laugh about it. We were told he’s underweight (DS was preemie but they didn’t adjust the weight chart) and then the next month he’s overweight, I’ve been told he has thrush and then when I checked the the GP she said that wasn't the case. We were told to put him on comfort formula and then the next HV said that was not correct guidance. DS wasn’t smiling at 10 weeks and one HV voiced concerns it may be an early sign of autism, a month later he still wasn’t smiling and apparently it was because I wasn’t “smiley” enough. He started smiling at 20 weeks and hasn’t stopped!
It‘s really difficult not to take it to heart but try not to stress, keep going to your appointments but you’ll know instinctually if something feels wrong ❤️.

Feeding and the baby's weight are classic trigger points for new mothers. It was a very thoughtless comment.

I remember getting "ARTIFICIAL FEEDING" written in the notes on my twins' red books and being really confused... did she think they were being fed through nasty gastric tubes, as some of the twins in our antenatal group were due to complications arising from prematurity? Because my girls were technically premature, had she mixed them up with someone else? And I realised it was just a smide way of saying formula fed. She was the same one who mixed up their measurements and tried to give me a lecture about one of them losing weight while the other was gaining too quickly. Honestly I could have done with some practical help and advice when my twins were little, but it soon became obvious the HV was the last place to look for that.

Really?

A throwaway comment OP, don't fret.

Sounds like the baby is teething to me.. Dont know why HV didn't make a more constructive comment like that and ask you if you needed any information around this..some HV are mad/some are lovely. I've heard some right nonsense that now is laughable but at the time made me think - what does she mean by that ? Don't take any of it to heart.

I don’t think it’s a funny joke personally. Health visitors usually don’t know what they are talking about so just ignore her. I think it’s a bizarre joke to make to a new mum who is probably anxious about feeding etc, especially because it’s people like that who pile the pressure on and make you feel like you are doing things wrong.

I would be complaining. Most HVs are good.. then you find the odd dimwit that makes moms feel stupid af. Not acceptable. Needs to change.

passive aggressive comments THROUGH your child.. no. I don’t allow anyone to do that never mind a bloody HV.

be kind to yourself OP @Squashie ♥️ PND is horrible, your hormones are all over the place and you don’t feel like yourself, that doesn’t give anyone an excuse to make crappy comments like that to you.
don’t let them say you’re overreacting because of your PND.
plenty of us on here have said it’s not ok. Trust your gut mama.

Urgh I hate this type of throwaway comment. I have family members that make the same “jokes” about my kids & pets. Have for the last decade.

Annoys me. I could never imagine doing it to anyone.

Agreed. A very foolish thing for a health professional to say.

I’d let the clinic know that this has upset you and could they feed back to the HV, if you don’t feel that you can message the HV directly about it.

I had a stand-in midwife make a really stupid comment at a home visit when I was 38 plus weeks with DS 2 and regular appointments at the midwife clinic couldn’t run because of Christmas and new year closures. My 7 year old was in the room with me and she looked through my blue book and commented on the three miscarriages - how awful a time I’d had or something similar. He looked up and I said something to minimise it and not worry him. I mouthed at her that he didn’t know and she could tell I was furious and apologised on the way out. I said surely staff needed to be aware of listening ears when they make home visits.

My friend also complained directly to her midwife at a home visit when the midwife told her 4 year old who was bottle feeding her doll that she wasn’t feeding her properly and should do it like mummy does, I.e. breastfeeding. My friend spoke to her on the way out and asked her to consider how she’s going to have to deal with her 4 year old telling bottle feeding friends that they don’t feed their babies properly.

In both cases these staff members needed to be made aware of their thoughtlessness. At the end of the day we all learn from feedback - I’m sure the clinic manager can have a quiet word with her and she’ll understand that a little joke to some can be very upsetting to others.

I had a health visitor after DS2 who made a joke about sorting out my contraception so I didn’t have to abort my surprise 3rd baby like so many of her Mums did!

It was a joke but a very poor one from a professional who should know better than to say such things.

This is ridiculous

Well how about instead of feeding into this sensitivity, we should be calling it out for what it is, a joke, and helping the OP build resilience?

This is why healthcare professionals are leaving in their droves. They’re not robots and if they are complained about for minor silly things due to over sensitivity there will be even less health visitors, midwives etc and then you will be complaining about the sub standard care.

This reminds me of the time (16 yrs ago) when a HV told my mum she looked awful- this was the first new baby check up!! Honestly I think some of them are weirdos.

It's a joke. Move on. And tighten up your seatbelt. Won't be the last infuriating thing that's said to you as a mother.

Babies don't chew from hunger she's probably teething and your health visitor knows that. Nothing was meant by her comment, just mindless nonsense people say to babies, try not to let it get to you.

I answered the door to one of my HVs chugging a can of Relentless and she laughed and said "I thought you'd started on the beers at 10 in the morning for a second!"

I laughed because it was my third and I felt a happy and confident mum. If it had been my first I'd have stayed awake that night thinking what would have happened if she hadn't realised it wasn't alcohol and taken my baby away and wondered if the joke was a covert way of trying to get me to say that I thought drinking at 10am is ok and then she'd check my fridge and recycling to try and work out if DH and I were alcoholics.

PND is a monster isn't it, you poor thing?

Even if it was just a joke, it's unprofessional. Mothers already have anxiety about whether they are over or under feeding their baby, if they are hungry etc without a flippant comment like this. She should know babies chew on their hands for many reasons, not just hunger.