To be upset by health visitor comment?

[Squashie]

I took 3 month old DS to be weighed today and he was chewing on his hands (which he has been constantly doing for the last few weeks) and she commented “he’s clearly hungry, mummy must be starving you”. He had just had a big bottle 20 mins prior and I know the comment was probably made in jest but thinking about it when I got home I think it’s not really the right thing for them to be saying even as a joke? Baby is weighing well on 50th centile but I’m really struggling with PND and have really taken this to heart

It was probably a joke but it’s the sort of joke you would expect a random person in the supermarket or on the bus to make. Not a qualified health visitor who should be more aware of the potential for you to be suffering from PND or otherwise sensitive about baby’s weight. It’s a weigh in clinic so chances are there’s going to be some anxious parents attending as some will be very worried about baby not gaining enough or having problems with feeding etc. I’d put in a complaint personally.

Fully agree with this. HV should know better.

I can honestly say in all my years of mothering 3 children, I only met 2 HV who weren’t awful. I had difficult pregnancies and births, plus a baby who didn’t gain weight, so had extended HV contact and it was some of the worst times of my life.

don’t report but just understand they are often in need of updated training and most think they know the most about everything.

That would instantly have gotten my back up, honestly - postpartum is a whirlwind of emotions and someone even jokingly saying you’re not feeding your baby enough would be really upsetting for me - I had some fantastically shit advice from some of mine. One HV mistakenly diagnosed DS with an undescended testicle which caused loads of unnecessary panic (I’d felt it but assumed HV knew best and I’d gotten it wrong). Other HV recommended cutting down baby’s feeds even though he wasn’t vomiting or spitting up, because she said it was ‘too much’. Everyone else since just told me baby will eat what he needs, can’t imagine the tantrums if I’d taken 3oz off his feeds!

HV should have been more sensitive, even if it was meant as a joke. She has no idea what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling.

I can see why that's upset you but I do think it's your pnd making you be a bit extra sensitive to what's most likely a thoughtless throw away jokey comment.
In an ideal world everyone would be super sensitive and watching what they say all the time... but that's not reality.
I had really bad pnd with my first so I know what it feels like. I did view anything I possibly could as a criticism and people obviously thinking I was a terrible mother and being hostile etc... and you know what maybe sometimes people were being a bit off with me but the depression just made it all into this big deal.
End of the day this woman's comment was thoughtless given your fragile state of mind but I bet my bottom dollar she meant no criticism or offense.

I had a HV who looked me up and down a week after the birth and said to her trainee “you can see here that some women take longer for their bumps to go down”

Another time she was starting giving me the contraception talk and I said not to worry as my son was IVF and I have no fallopian tubes. She said it was still important to use contraception as women were very fertile after having a baby.

Honestly, just thick as mince!

What a shame your local over-stretched free and optional NHS HV service lost a highly-trained and skilled member of staff due to her opinion on breastfeeding. It would have been more appropriate for them to work with her to improve her manner and educate her on science or nutrition. I haven't been able to get anyone to do DD's developmental checks for the last 14 months, it's probably because half of them have given up due to things like this.
Throwing the baby out with the bathwater indeed

@SisterMichaelsHabit sorry if I didn't make clear but her unprofessionalism went far beyond her views on breastfeeding. A midwife who oversaw my delivery was leaving the week after to become a health visitor. She was amazing.

I agree with this.

It's a profession where first time mothers may be sensitive and anxious.

I would have pulled her up on it.

Also @SisterMichaelsHabit it's not free. We all pay

I think your biggest problem is posting this in AIBU where you are going to get comments from a whole range of people many who have never had a newborn.
Everyone knows new mother's can be anxious / have PND. Totally insensitive comment from someone who should know better.
Very important new mother advice - trust your instincts - you know it was insensitive so let yourself believe it was insensitive and move on.

I once had a HV round and she caught my toddler stealing potato peelings from the bin: they were dripping out of his mouth. She immediately went into a lecture of how I was obviously not giving him enough food. I just stood there until she remembered that she had invited herself round because kiddo was 'overweight' and needed to diet. He was 18 mths.

When he was born he was bang on average but quickly swung out to 92nd centile on weight and length. He's now a hulking 6'4" so needed to do a lot of growing. That woman would have been kicked out of the SS for cruelty.

She clearly meant it as a joke but I think it was thoughtless and unprofessional. As someone mentioned above that could be sign of teething if so the HV actually made a mistake about baby’s behaviour.

Put in a complaint ? FFS get a sense of humour, absolutely ridiculous.

YANBU I mean it was a joke but you’re a new mum with PND and feeling very sensitive so she should know better than to say something and now you’re here overthinking this situation.

You’re doing great and don’t let this bring you down, she probably says things to start a conversation or what ever but not everyone likes jokes like that and it’s ok if you don’t.

I started to read this as a naked HV was pulling herself up on your settee and coffee table.....!

Are you often easily offended

My HV listened to my woes about DD (aged 12 months) who couldn’t be put to sleep and wouldn’t stay asleep. This had been going on for months; we had tried many different methods and were really struggling. She then ponderously said that she knew exactly what would solve the problem. Apparently all I needed to do was give DD a cup of hot chocolate before bed!!

This was a very very stupid, thoughtless, tactless comment by a person whose JOB it is to put you at ease. I strongly disagree with the insensitive comments you have unfortunately suffered thus far 'believe me when I say you're hormonal' is at the top of list 🤬

Good luck with your beautiful baby, please try to ignore that one person who made you feel you weren't good enough xx

Just refuse anymore visits unless you feel you or your baby need them or go straight to the gp instead.

I found the hv's visits really patronising, unhelpful and just a waste of time.

I'll give you a funny health visitor story. My health visitor/midwife complained about me once and decided she no longer wanted to have me as a patient, so passed me on to someone else.

I was pregnant with my first, at my booking appointment and answering all the thousands of questions. She asked if there was any family history of sickle cell. I had no idea what this was so stared at her blankly, waiting for her to tell me. She staired back waiting for an answer. I started to get nervous so replied no with an upper infection, as if I was asking her to clarify.

She was massively offended by this and started ranting that I never know etc etc. I had absolutely no clue what was happening so just smiled and went along with it.

When I got home and googled sickle cell and found out it's a condition that tends to be more common within the black community. To clarify, I'm white and the health visitor was white. I'm assuming she decided I was a racist due to my answer?

At my next appointment she wasn't there and the person I saw was to pass on the message that she moved to Dubai to marry someone from the middle East. I'm still very confused to this day! And most definitely not a racist!

Well he clearly isn’t starving as he is the correct weight. Having a sense of humor is clearly a thing of the past now and everyone is expected to tread on eggshells. Expect many more ‘jokes’ as your kid grows up. They’re muddy - are you being raised on a farm? Come in from playing wet - you look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards. You can’t take offense at everything.

The problem with this "joke" though is that the concept that "chewing hands = hunger" is an actual misconception that some parents might have. So some parents might (say) wean their baby onto solids far too early when they see their baby chewing hands. Or think that EBF is not enough and introduce formula out of anxiety.

Health visitor "jokes" should not encourage genuine misconceptions.

Now, Op is sensible enough not to get the wrong end of the stick but there are families out there who might misunderstand and take actions from the joke.

Also it's not remotely funny

It was a bit insensitive. He's probably teething.

I imagine that suffering from PND has made the OP much more sensitive.

Are you often snide to new mums who are struggling with their mental health?

She was probably just rambling on and engaging, no bad feelings.
Are you getting support for your PND? It's shit, I didn't realise mine til after and wish I'd got some support to be honest. It will go but don't let it ruin you or your joy being a mum

It was just a joke, and vulnerable seems to be used every single time anything is ever mentioned when it comes to women are they ever just women or are they constantly 'vulnerable'