Class parties - some not invited

[Totallywingingitmum]

my dc is in reception class. Since September there have been a few class parties that she hasn’t been invited to. I’m also aware she has gone to parties that others haven’t been invited to.

AIBU to think this is unfair? You either invite the whole class or none at all. Or if you are going to have a party perhaps just invite a very small number so it’s clearly an intimate event.

I can’t help but wonder why she hasn’t been invited? It makes me sad! I also feel uncomfortable knowing a parent has allowed their child to deliberately leave some children out. Children (and parents) talk and news of a party is bound to get round.

I understand parties can cost a lot or there could be a max number of children allowed but if I were organising a party for my daughter I’d ensure the whole class was included and nobody left out.

I think a full class party especially for reception is best if you can afford it. It's a lovely bonding thing for the kids and means nobody is left out.

Actually we are still in party politics at 15! Dd2 has an enormous friendship group and can’t bear for anyone to be left out and feel sad so we are still hosting epic parties. Most teens have whittled down their friends to about 6 by this age. When will it ever end?

I also feel uncomfortable knowing a parent has allowed their child to deliberately leave some children out. Children (and parents) talk and news of a party is bound to get round

@Totallywingingitmum - on that basis, absolutely everyone must be invited to absolutely every party.

"Deliberately leave some children out" in real life means "can't afford to invite everyone" or "my child only likes 15 of these children" or "we haven't got space for more than 12 children at the venue" or any of a thousand other reasons to put a limit on numbers.

One of the things we learn as we as small is that not everything goes our way on every occasion. Learning to be OK with that is part of bneing as child.

I'm sure no one is delibrerately excluding your 5 year old out of unkindness. As you say in your OP, she's been to parties others haven't.

WIth the cost of living crisis, I'm sure entire class parties are less frequent than before.

I don't think I agree with you on this 'invite all of the class or don't have a party' OP.
Some parents can't afford or don't have the capabilities to accommodate the entire class, and that should not mean their child should not be able to celebrate their birthday. Some parents have multiple children also, so again whole class parties numerous times a year may be unachievable.
Using myself as an example, I never invite the whole class for my DD birthdays, I find hosting such large numbers extremely overwhelming and anxiety provoking. Her last birthday, I planned an activity for 8 and she invited 4 cousins and 4 friends from her school. I ensured that the invites were given from myself directly to the relevant parents, and explained to DD that some children my feel abit sad they couldn't come, so it's kinder for her not to mention her upcoming birthday activity when at school if she can help it, and then just left it at that. There have been many occasions where DD has not had invites also, and I just try to get her thinking somewhat practically, and remind her of all the great things she has done or will be doing this month/week/year. There will always be someone taking offence to something, so it's unreasonable to expect anyone to have to prioritise the whole class rather than focus on simply giving their child a birthday they will enjoy.

You've also got to remember that children also have friends from outside of school......If i had to invite my DD's whole reception class, plus other children who she is friends with from ballet, swimming and my friends children the list of invites would be pushing nearly 60! Its just fact of life that children can't always be invited to everything or invite everyone they want to their own party. I agree with you that leaving out 2 or 3 from a whole classs (unless there is a good reason such as bullying) is a bit harsh, but sadly life is not always rainbows and flowers and although we want to protect our children from difficult or uncomfortable feelings ultimately as a parent we should be helping them navigate these situations and feelings so they grow into well rounded and understanding adults who don't "deliberately leave people out"

You do help mould your child so teaching resilience is very important.
Have you liked every single person or have something in common with every person you have ever met, of course you haven’t. I would assume you are a bit of an over thinker and a sensitive soul, life is harder for people like this. One of my sisters is like this, she is the nicest of all of us and she has also had the hardest life of all of us. I’m not saying you have to be super hardcore but there is a balance.

As most others have said, sensible options include:

• Small group (less than half of the class - mixed)
• Small group (less than half of the total number - same sex)
• All the of one sex
• Whole class

It's up to the parents of the birthday child which option they go for.

Leaving a few children out of a whole class or inviting 11/12 girls isn't very kind.

Sounds like a good life lesson OP and I mean that kindly. Brace yourself for lots of upset if this is getting to you so early on in your DCs school journey. Your DD won’t be a friendship fit for everyone, nor will your DD see every child as a fit for them. It’s about getting some perspective really. Don’t dwell on what she’s not invited to, just move on in a ‘oh well, never mind you have X to look forward to.’ You’ll drive yourself crackers otherwise.

Glad I'm not the only one that thinks this is strange.

It jumps out at me every time I see a birthday party thread on here - it is always suggested by someone, and always strikes me as odd.

Have you organised a party? So many parents don't bother, yet are happy to complain about no invitations!

But I have been surprised by the lack of inclusivity in this particular class.

Not wanting to host a party for 30+ dc does not demonstrate a "lack of inclusivity".

If dc (or indeed adults) can't own the decision about who they want to celebrate with, then what is the world coming to ? That is a really basic starting point.

I think generally most people do:
The whole class
Upto half of the class
All the girls
All the boys
Or just a handful of kids

Not everyone gets invited to everything and that's ok

It really depends on the activity and what the birthday child wants to do.

Of course boys and girls can and should take part in all activities, but when my daughter had a pamper party where a beautician came to paint their nails and style their hair I'm not sure many boys from her class would have appreciated the invitation.

Some boys might have loved it, but the ones in her class wouldn't. So it was a girls only party.

Why is it odd? The inviting ‘all girls’ or ‘all boys’ or kids having friendship groups that are the same gender as them? I’m not going to invite kids my DC aren’t friends with so in the case of DD7 that means only one boy and DS11 no girls at all. They both get on with the boys and girls in their respective classes but they aren’t friends with them. My DD has been to several ‘all girls’ parties as the girls in her class are all friends with each other (with some tighter friendships than others of course) but not really with the boys

i assume when you invite “all girls” not all will be close friends to the bday girl hence why it applies what many of us are saying “why invite someone you don’t get on along just because you’re a girl / boy” (and maybe don’t invite someone from the opposite sex you might get on along with)

@stoptryingtomakefetchhappen but this thread is about 4 yr olds, turning 5.
Like EasterIsland says, it is strange to assume that (if you are inviting 1/2 the class as is being suggested by some posters) the 14 or 15 dc closest to them will be all the girls (or all the boys) at that age.
Why not just ask your child which 6 (or 12 or 15 or however many people you can look after) they would like to ask to come.

But my kid doesn’t play with everyone in her class, she barely knows done of them! Plus the party entertainer has a max of 25 so she’ll invite who she wants up to that amount, I’ve been through it all before and was much more sensitive about my eldest I must say, now I’m meh about it, parties at this age are a pain anyway, cant drop and run and trying to make small talk is hell, you’re over thinking it, unless there is a specific issue, kid party lists will be based on who they’ve played most with the day they make it, it’s nothing against your child, and not unfair at all,

For the parents that have to invite everyone in the class it either is becausse they have unresolved issues themsleves or they are doing as if they don't they think it 'looks bad'

we invited and only expected to be invited to children my child plays with regardless of sex that to me is normal

Left 5 put of 30 is mean.

but my son always have party every yeat and he only wants to invite his close classmate. Usually 10 or 15 out of 30 children.

And what research did you do to come to that conclusion?!

I invite all the class because luckily I can afford it, but we are an inclusive family. My DC tell me they don't want to invite so and so because they didn't invite them to their party, but I always do as my kids are young and I teach them kindness...not because I have unresolved issues but because I don't want to be a grown woman making a kid sad because they didn't get an invitation at this age.

As my DC get older, they start forming their own friendship groups and they can invite who they want. But at this young age, the more the merrier!

I was responding to a poster bemoaning ‘all boys’ and ‘all girls’ parties who seemed to be talking generally about primary school age kids (and not just about Reception).

That said, I don’t disagree, in Reception and Year 1 we did a couple of ‘all class’ parties (we actually did them joint with another child which helped cost wise!) as boys and girls friendship groups are often mixed at that age. I wouldn’t have done a single gender party at that time. However now the DC are year 2 or older their friendship groups are primarily of the same gender, which is not at all uncommon, and as a result there are quite a few single gender parties which I don’t see as an issue. It would be nice if they had more mixed friendship groups but it’s not something I am concerned about as the dynamic tends to shift again from Year 7 anyway.

I know what you mean but just because someone is having an ‘all girls’ party doesn’t mean the scenario you’ve described is indeed the case. My DD7 is going to one this weekend and her mum told me that her DD actually requested all the girls in the class to be invited as she is friends with them all (but not with any of the boys sadly!) Her DD does of course have closer friendships with some of the girls in particular, but they are all friends. My DD also says she wants all the girls plus the one boy she is friends with (not sure what he’ll think of that!). Maybe it’s just her class dynamic but regardless I don’t see anything wrong with it if that’s who they consider their friends. They are not inviting kids they don’t like nor are they excluding those that they do.

Kids party etiquette is less complicated as they get older. I used to find that I would be far more offended if my DS wasn't invited more than he was. Of course, when I thought about it, we didn't invite everyone either, usually because of cost or if the venue only offered insurance for x amount of kids and we had other friends or cousins to invite into that number.
Try not to take it personally x

I used to ask my kids who they wanted at their parties, and add in anyone I felt it would be awful to leave out (children whose party they had recently attended, or children of people I was friendly with). Rough limit (unless imposed by venue) was around 14 or 15. Sometimes it was all the same gender, sometimes mixed, once there was only one of the opposite gender. Only once had a large party where nearly all the class was invited - last year of primary and venue had limit of 20, I think. But some good friends couldn't come so we added a few more, leaving only a handful out which I felt bad about, but it was only a few weeks before my child left the school.

So one of mine was in a class where there were never more than 8 of their gender. So all those who had parties always invited all of them.