Class parties - some not invited

[Totallywingingitmum]

my dc is in reception class. Since September there have been a few class parties that she hasn’t been invited to. I’m also aware she has gone to parties that others haven’t been invited to.

AIBU to think this is unfair? You either invite the whole class or none at all. Or if you are going to have a party perhaps just invite a very small number so it’s clearly an intimate event.

I can’t help but wonder why she hasn’t been invited? It makes me sad! I also feel uncomfortable knowing a parent has allowed their child to deliberately leave some children out. Children (and parents) talk and news of a party is bound to get round.

I understand parties can cost a lot or there could be a max number of children allowed but if I were organising a party for my daughter I’d ensure the whole class was included and nobody left out.

So sorry to hear this. I have seen this happen too. Moving school would have been the best thing you could do for your DD. You sound like a lovely person. All the best

@CoffeeWithCheese was every other child in the class in nursery together? Was it a class of 30 or just a tiny class?

I'm not horrible I'm quite lovely, actually.

At 5 we had 5 kids each because of overwhelm and the size of my garden. At 10 pretty similar. One of my DC wanted a whole class party - except for the absolute vile little shit that hit her in the face with a plate. I would have been perfectly happy to leave that one out, if i'd had the room for a whole class party and not lost any sleep over it.

Again the point is: your child (as far as possible) should have the party they want. And that is the end of the story.

The normal etiquette is fewer than half the children in the class, or all of them, with a caveat that you can't invite all the girls/boys except 1 or 2.

Not that it justifies it and how they treated a 4 year old child - but about 95% went to the school nursery and it was a 2 form entry of 30-ish (I forget exact numbers) kids. It was very very targeted because my face didn't fit on the playground with that particular group of parents (no such issues with my other child in a different year group in the same school).

It was foul and thankfully DD2 is an incredibly resilient soul and so kind-natured that she continued being kind to everyone even when their parents pulled this kind of crap!

Completely disagree. I invite the children my children want to invite. My daughter's recent party was at a sport centre which maxed out at 24 invites anyway. She split the invites

The school hand out the invites in front of the other kids too, there's no secret squirrel business but it's also done in a fairly perfunctory manner, no big fuss.

The children are encouraged to deal with their feelings of disappointment if they occur. I really like that because it sets them up right for managing their emotions in the future rather than kicking the can down the road.

I find it really off that lots of you invite only children of the same gender as the birthday child. Doesn't your DC have friends who are boys and girls? What an odd and unnecessary way to group children. Both my DC have always had friendship groups including both girls and boys, as did I and as did DH when we were young, so it's hardly a new "woke" thing. It's really sad that you would encourage your DC to limit their friendships like that. What an odd thing to do.

No because there's shit all that can be done. Kid wants party at dinosaurworld they only accept parties of 20 max. What's meant to happen? Kid misses out? The 10 kids have to learn they can't be everyone's no.1. Friend all the time.

Yes its really sexist

It doesn’t have to be the whole class - some kids aren’t friends or don’t get on - it’s just one of those things

Also some families can only afford a small party for a few friends

In reception and year 1 we invited the whole class. After that we invited 10-15. That seems fairly standard at our school.

AIBU to think this is unfair? You either invite the whole class or none at all. Or if you are going to have a party perhaps just invite a very small number so it’s clearly an intimate event

YABU

It would be unfair to invite 28 out of 30

But if these parties are for smaller numbers that's perfectly alright.

There's a fair place between the whole class and 'intimate'.

The thing is, some popular children are wanted at parties by lots of children they aren't particularly close to.

There was one absolutely lovely young lad DS1's year. Everyone invited him as all the children genuinely wanted to spend time with him. From his perspecitve, he had 6 close friends and that's who he wanted at his party. The poor lad shouldn't be expected to invite another 20 chilren because they'd asked him to theirs!
(he's in his 20s now and just as personable, a lovely young man)

Party invitations aren't reciprocal, nor should they be. The birthday child should invite as many or as few friends as they like (withing parental constraints).

I never did class parties ...horrendous things. Max 4 to 8 at home .

My daughter was invited to the birthday party of a girl in her class one summer. They don’t really play together at school, but all the girls in the class were invited.

a couple of months later I had a little party in the house for my daughter. She invited four friends from her class (the four girls she plays with), plus her cousin and a friend from out of school.

i ran into the mum of summer birthday girl in the pub shortly after. She was drunk and had a big go at me about not inviting her daughter because “she invited your daughter so she should have been invited back!”

I felt terrible, that we had inadvertently upset a little girl. But I’m just not sure it works like that. You need to draw a line somewhere.

It’s not sexist by default. It just depends on the dynamics etc.

my daughters are 6 and 9. Neither of them has any particular interest in the boys in their class. They don’t play together. The boys play with the boys and the girls play with the girls. There is no deliberate “grouping”
of children in this way, it is just organic. It’s the same in both their classes.

On a side note if anyone can help. DD will be 7 this summer and wants a princess party. There's 14 girls in her class, including DD. She doesn't want to invite the boys.

I suggested to DD to invite the 13 girls in her class however, 3 of the girls are mean to DD and have hit her in the past. She understandably doesn't want to invite these 3 girls but I feel it would be mean to leave 3 out. Especially at such a young age where they are still learning about social situations and behaviour.

WWYD in this circumstance?

I think I’m just a sensitive person and worry about other people’s feelings.

This is also reception class that I’m talking about. So they’re only 4 / 5 years old and have only known each other 4 months. I personally want to encourage the children to socialise and find friends. And also give parents a chance to have a chat.

Before DC started school many other friends had mentioned I should be prepared for a lot of whole class parties. But I have been surprised by the lack of inclusivity in this particular class.

Everyone is entitled to organise and pay for whatever party they want with whoever they want.

I’m just clearly more unreasonable with my opinion! 😬

@kisstheblarney

Absolutely there were 3 upset children.

The point of mentioning the other girls had SEN, was surely to highlight what a grotesque way some people choose to be divisive.

At 5, it isn't the children making the decisions about who comes to the party - it's the parents. And anyone who is slightly different, or new, or doesn't quite fit the 'small town mould' was left out. It was cruel and unnecessary.

Your poor daughter!

That is a bit socially awkward but when it comes to that age I think it’s more acceptable to start inviting actual friends? Are the parents of the girls who have been mean to your daughter aware of their behaviour?

Is your daughter friends with all the other girls in the class or is it just a general invite to the princess party?

It is fine to invite just the people she wants to invite.

Nah. Leaving ten kids out is shitty imo. Up to half or all.

I think inviting 20 out of 30 is absolutely fine. Some party places have limits and also some other children have other friends from activities/ cousins etc that they may choose to invite too.

I have two children, the eldest who is 9 had quite a few full class parties in Reception/ Year 1 before Covid hit. My youngest who is 6 started reception after Covid and I'm not sure there have been any full class parties, just parties with chosen friends. I think it's made parents rethink.

@rebelrebbel
I’m sorry that happened to your daughter. And I agree at that age the parents 100% know what they are doing. We help mould our children into the person they become and I don’t want to be that type of parent nor my daughter to be.