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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Class parties - some not invited

125 replies

Totallywingingitmum · 09/01/2024 22:23

my dc is in reception class. Since September there have been a few class parties that she hasn’t been invited to. I’m also aware she has gone to parties that others haven’t been invited to.

AIBU to think this is unfair? You either invite the whole class or none at all. Or if you are going to have a party perhaps just invite a very small number so it’s clearly an intimate event.

I can’t help but wonder why she hasn’t been invited? It makes me sad! I also feel uncomfortable knowing a parent has allowed their child to deliberately leave some children out. Children (and parents) talk and news of a party is bound to get round.

I understand parties can cost a lot or there could be a max number of children allowed but if I were organising a party for my daughter I’d ensure the whole class was included and nobody left out.

OP posts:
Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 09/01/2024 22:44

When my DD was that age it was either whole class parties or half of the class. I absolutely would not leave a few children out. When they get older they tend to only have 6+ to an activity.

Original poster
Totallywingingitmum · 09/01/2024 22:45

Thanks for all your replies! Fair enough!

I am also clearly trying to navigate being a school mum. I haven’t made that many friends yet so I don’t necessarily know if there are groups of mums who do play dates or if these parties are also partly because the parents socialise and I’m just not part of that circle.

I need to accept that not everyone is going to be friends with my child and I should try not to take things personally. It is a good lesson for her to learn as well.

Thanks all

OP posts:
Snozwanger · 09/01/2024 22:55

My daughter is 6 next month and we've never been able to afford a whole class party. We usually go with the minimum 10-12 child booking and I let her choose who she wants to come.
I don't think children are malicious in who they choose/don't choose. I just think they choose who they are most familiar/comfortable with.

tiggergoesbounce · 09/01/2024 22:56

Also OP playdate opportunities are easier in the warmer weather, you can invite others to the park without worrying they might think it too cold. So it might be easier then to get to know other parents more..

Shinyandnew1 · 09/01/2024 22:58

if you have a class of 30 and basically 5-10 are left out do you not think it’s a bit unfair?

Inviting 20 out of 30 is completely reasonable.

PuttingDownRoots · 09/01/2024 22:59

If its just 4 or 5 children left out... my first thought would be lost invitations... buried in a tray, screwed up in a bag, dropped in the playground...

EasterIssland · 09/01/2024 22:59

Would you invite to everyone from your job to your birthday ? Even those that you don’t like/get on along with ?

if the answer is no , then why are you expecting this from 5yo. I think it’s toxic to force on kids they have to get on along with everyone. As they grow they’ll realise this is not true and might affect in their self steam. Invite who you want to your child’s bday party and let others do the same

Boogoeboogieondown · 09/01/2024 23:00

Pah. There were over 50 kids in reception at our school. Essentially two classes merged and sometimes seperate but played together and did a lot of large group activity. My son wanted lots of the other group at his party but we couldn't have nearly 60 kids so yes it was selective. Who he played with and got on well with plus kids of my friends. Get over it. As long as its not one or two kids left out then it's perfectly fine.

Boogoeboogieondown · 09/01/2024 23:02

Also there will be more than the uninvited kids who don't go. So many parents don't even rsvp they just don't turn up.

allhailthebrain · 09/01/2024 23:03

If I were having a party and the limit was 20, it wouldn't have occurred to me that it was an issue for a class of 30tbh - it would already be a fortune! My limit used to be 10.

Having said that, I've known mums to kick off when only a dozen have been invited - because they felt their kid was "in that friendship group" so god knows!

I did once invite all the girls in the class. That was deliberate because I realised if I invited the 12 I had said she could have (post covid and compensating - why, goodness knows!), 4 girls would have been left out and that felt harsh. I wasn't expecting them to come - and every one of them did, never again!

We are now at the age where only about 4 get invited and it's rarely my kid - who is friends with all but not best friends. Kid doesn't seem bothers, I sometimes feel sad about it. I never ever say though!

Wheelz46 · 09/01/2024 23:05

Whole class parties would never work for my child, he has social anxiety and only ever invites the friends he plays with which is around 5/30. It's not him being mean in any way shape or form, anyone other than his friendship group would just totally overwhelm him and he wouldn't enjoy it and unlikely to engage even with his friends.

I am friends with quite a few parents from both my children's year groups and I have never known there to be whole class parties anyway.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 09/01/2024 23:09

My DD8 birthday party last week - in previous years we've done whole class invite but this year there were one or two kids she didn't want there as they have been picking on her friend. Would never just not invite a couple of kids so she invited a more select group (approx 18) from the class. I think 20/30 is fine but much over that starts to get a bit dodgy in terms of exclusion. And my DD is obviously not invited to 30 parties a year so others must be being selective too. She's not fussed.

NewName24 · 09/01/2024 23:14

RandomMess · 09/01/2024 22:25

They aren't class parties if the whole class isn't invited.

30 DC to a 5 year old party is way too overwhelming for most 5 years tbh.

Exactly what I was going to say.

I'm also fascinated on MN at parents who seem to know who has been invited to someone else's party, and, by default, who hasn't.

Fair play to you OP for coming back and accepting YABU.

MissersMercer · 09/01/2024 23:17

Yabu you don't have to invite everyone.

autienotnaughty · 09/01/2024 23:17

Class of 30 I'd say 20 or less is reasonable otherwise invite everyone

Spomsored · 09/01/2024 23:18

Shinyandnew1 · 09/01/2024 22:58

if you have a class of 30 and basically 5-10 are left out do you not think it’s a bit unfair?

Inviting 20 out of 30 is completely reasonable.

Inviting 20 out of 30 is OK, 25 out of 30 ìs a bit mean

SandyWaves · 09/01/2024 23:21

You are entitled to your feelings, don't allow some posters to gaslight you. If it was their children, in reality, i am sure they too would feel upset.

Plan a party for your kid, invite everyone and be the bigger person. At this age, parents invite who they think are popular. We know this is true. Give it two years and it all changes. Be kind, be consistent and you and your child will be just fine.

Vinrouge4 · 09/01/2024 23:24

TheaBrandt · 09/01/2024 22:28

We used to invite either all the girls or fewer than half. Or in dd2 case the same but with the boys as the girls in her class were really wet and no fun.

‘Wet and no fun’. All the girls? That's a bit of a generalisation.

WandaWonder · 09/01/2024 23:25

My child was not invited to every party no child is, that is life

Bournetilly · 09/01/2024 23:26

I think it depends how many were invited. Inviting 20 and leaving 10 out is fine, inviting 25 and leaving 5 out is not fine IMO.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/01/2024 23:47

Leaving out one or two kids is unkind, but having a party that isn't for the whole class is fine.

IHateLegDay · 09/01/2024 23:51

We've never done a whole class party as both dd's have lots of friends outside of school so we'd have 60+ children and that would be too expensive and chaotic.
This year my eldest is having all the girls from her class and 3 boys that she's close to.

We've been invited to some of the class parties and others we haven't. It's not a big deal.

NewName24 · 10/01/2024 00:02

SandyWaves · 09/01/2024 23:21

You are entitled to your feelings, don't allow some posters to gaslight you. If it was their children, in reality, i am sure they too would feel upset.

Plan a party for your kid, invite everyone and be the bigger person. At this age, parents invite who they think are popular. We know this is true. Give it two years and it all changes. Be kind, be consistent and you and your child will be just fine.

What a load of baloney.

If it was their children, in reality, i am sure they too would feel upset.

Nope. Noe of mine have, at any point in their lives, been invited to 29 parties in any year. No-one expected to be. No-one was upset.

Plan a party for your kid, invite everyone

Or, have the party they will enjoy (which, for so many children turning 5 is a far smaller, calmer affair) or have the party you can afford, or have the energy for, or the desire to host. Far better ideas all round.

At this age, parents invite who they think are popular

Not something I have ever come across. 3 dc, and (because of house move) two different schools they attended between them in Reception.

We know this is true

Who is 'We' ? Confused

Be kind, be consistent and you and your child will be just fine.

Agreed

rebelrebbel · 10/01/2024 00:07

I agree with you, op.

After moving to a small town, my DD was one of 3 girls not invited to the parties the other girls had (the other 2 uninvited girls had SEN).

It carried on all the way through primary school, and it was awful for my DD. Definitely encouraged by cliquey mums 🙄

TheaBrandt · 10/01/2024 01:28

Leaving out a small number is not good think most of us agree with that. But it can’t be right that for example a shy quiet child with 5 friends he plays with is obliged to invite every single child at his parent’s expense so to have a party he won’t enjoy just to do right by all the random kids who happen to be in his class? Sorry that’s Just not rational behaviour.