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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

angry at husband

95 replies

annoyedateverything21 · 09/01/2024 16:37

So I don't have access to husbands phone, he has a passcode (not an issue)

I was sitting with him while he was on his phone and had seen his frequently used emojis one being 🍑 (which is used for arses) - I was like wtf you've never sent that to me so why is it on your phone. He was like I don't use that at all and started searching the emoji on what's app to show he never used it.

He then does it for his messages and an old message from a girl he used to talk to came up he said 'you look like you squat 🍑' so I instantly checked the date and it was a few months before we got together.

Now I'm not angry about this, everyone has a past but I am angry at the fact he said he wasn't speaking to anyone just before me and him got together but he clearly was. This spiralled into me bringing up more lies he had told me when we first got together - white lies. I hate liars and he knows this.

Turns out he has kept all the fucking messages from loads of girls that he was chatting to before me, which has also pissed me off why would he need them? We are married?? He apologised and said he deleted it all but I'm feeling very much like he has broken my trust and very angry, I can't even look at him. Technically I know he hasn't done anything wrong but I've changed my passcode so he doesn't know it, and won't let him go on my phone.

Am I over reacting???

OP posts:
margotrose · 09/01/2024 17:14

ohmygolli · 09/01/2024 17:07

Well this is entirely different.
that screams that he’s hiding something.

Show quote history

No, it screams "common sense" given how she's overreacted over an emoji.

I don't let my DH access my phone either. It's the modern day equivalent of my diary.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 09/01/2024 17:15

He's not an idiot for using the 🍑 emoji

And I would never give anyone my pass code. I don't want people looking through my personal stuff because it's mine. I also have sensitive documents on here that require my phone to be locked...

Coconutter24 · 09/01/2024 17:19

Yes YABU, you saw messages from 2 months before you got together, if it was 2 months ago fair enough but it wasn’t. If he won’t tell you his passcode then I can understand you not wanting to share yours with him. Why should he have access and you don’t. But why do you want his passcode? Just so you know it or so you can snoop? If I’m sat near anyone on my phone I turn it away from them without even thinking, I won’t be doing anything I shouldn’t be I just don’t want people watching me or looking at my phone. It sounds like you’ve seen the past messages and are now putting 2+2 together and getting 5

pictoosh · 09/01/2024 17:26

How self-centred can you be?
Stop it. Stop the madness.

stargirly · 09/01/2024 17:28

he’s really not being an idiot at all, you’re completely out of order and had a huge overreaction and should apologise. if you genuinely don’t trust him then the relationship seems unlikely to succeed, but going off what you’ve said here he’s really given you no reason not to asides from a reasonable expectation of privacy.

betterangels · 09/01/2024 17:29

Wolfiefan · 09/01/2024 16:59

It isn’t secretive to want some privacy. Either you trust him or you don’t. I think insisting on seeing all someone’s messages etc is controlling.

Same. No one gets to look through my phone, especially if they'd lose it over messages from before we were together. Massive overreaction.

Mummysatthebodyshop · 09/01/2024 17:31

You're nuts

Gillypie23 · 09/01/2024 17:31

It's seems your overreacting. Unless he's given you reasonable. To doubt him before.

Didimum · 09/01/2024 17:31

I wouldn’t be with someone who sent messages like that to women.

Secrecy with phone – not great.

Other than that, overreaction.

betterangels · 09/01/2024 17:33

He's not an idiot. Imagine thinking you can police what emojis your husband can use on his own phone. You need to get a grip or break up because you don't trust him. He has done nothing wrong at all.

AyeRightYeAre · 09/01/2024 17:33

Total drama llama

Notimeforaname · 09/01/2024 17:33

Yabu. Very much so.

KrisAkabusi · 09/01/2024 17:33

ohmygolli · 09/01/2024 17:07

Well this is entirely different.
that screams that he’s hiding something.

Show quote history

No, it screams that his partner is trying to control him and has no respect for his privacy

She is also massively overreacting in this situation. He has done nothing wrong. For her to accuse him of lying is madness.

JustanotherMNSlapperTwat · 09/01/2024 17:35

So the message was from 2 months before you got together and he said he wasn't talking to anyone just before you got together? In dating terms I wouldn't consider 2 months "just before" so I wouldn't think that's a lie

I also never delete messages and I would find it odd that you think he should have done. It's not that he needs them, they just sit there

And now after all of this going through his phone you have a actually found anything from when you are together but you still think he's broken your trust? By having conversations with other women before he met you?

Onceuponaheartache · 09/01/2024 17:44

My dp.doesnt have the pass code to my phone and I don't have the one to his.

We both have banking apps on our phones and the t&c's on those all state you shouldn't allow anyone else access to your phone.

You clearly don't trust him and have issues...why exactly are you together?

Illbebythesea · 09/01/2024 17:44

You’re being really unfair, & if you continue you’ll push him away. I don’t want my DH reading through my texts? Why? I might be ranting about something minor he did to a mate, or just talking shite to a school mum. Or having a deep convo with my mum. Definitely not cheating. But if he asked to read through my messages I’d tell him to fuck right off. & I would never ever read his either. You say you trust him… but if you did you wouldn’t insist on total access to his phone.

ohmygolli · 09/01/2024 18:55

A lot of you aren’t being very nice…

yes overreaction but some people deal with things v differently to how you may, you past trauma etc.

Grammarnut · 09/01/2024 19:30

I never delete messages - bit of a pain to do it - and must have them on my phone from years back. You are over-reacting. What is past is past, and none of your affair, either.

ManateeFair · 09/01/2024 19:41

annoyedateverything21 · 09/01/2024 16:49

He moves his phone away when he puts his passcode in, has said that he will never tell me the passcode to his phone. I have never asked for it but he is secretive with his phone and I feel like I'm very open with mine.

OP, I have been with my DP for 21 years and I don’t have an issue with him looking at my phone at all (not that he’s ever asked to).

BUT if he was the sort of person who behaved like you and flew into a rage and couldn’t look at me because of something so utterly trivial as an emoji in an old text from before I met him, I would absolutely not let him anywhere near my phone. If he was like you, I would be concerned that he’d go apeshit other nothing every time he picked it up, so I would lock the hell out of it and turn it face down.

So yeah, not surprised he’s being secretive about his phone if this is how you behave.

OldTinHat · 09/01/2024 19:43

Yep. YABU.

ManateeFair · 09/01/2024 19:48

ohmygolli · 09/01/2024 18:55

A lot of you aren’t being very nice…

yes overreaction but some people deal with things v differently to how you may, you past trauma etc.

Edited

Past trauma isn’t an excuse to treat your partner like shit.

If my partner was going through my phone, demanding my passcode, starting massive rows over a text I sent months before I even met him, telling me what I should and shouldn’t delete, refusing to look at me and obsessing over my use of emojis ‘because of past trauma’, Mumsnet would be telling me he was a controlling dickhead.

Nicknacky · 09/01/2024 19:48

annoyedateverything21 · 09/01/2024 17:01

Loool I didn't ask him, he offered and like an idiot he's used that emoji before.

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter if he has used an emoji in what was a message sent years ago!

Honestly, you need to realise how unhinged you are acting about this.

ohmygolli · 09/01/2024 20:02

ManateeFair · 09/01/2024 19:48

Past trauma isn’t an excuse to treat your partner like shit.

If my partner was going through my phone, demanding my passcode, starting massive rows over a text I sent months before I even met him, telling me what I should and shouldn’t delete, refusing to look at me and obsessing over my use of emojis ‘because of past trauma’, Mumsnet would be telling me he was a controlling dickhead.

Show quote history

Are you seriously saying she’s treating him like shit?

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 09/01/2024 20:06

ohmygolli · 09/01/2024 20:02

Are you seriously saying she’s treating him like shit?

Show quote history

Are you saying it's not treating him like shit to explode at him for texting someone 2 months before they met?

Would say the same if the genders were reversed?

Nicknacky · 09/01/2024 20:08

ohmygolli · 09/01/2024 20:02

Are you seriously saying she’s treating him like shit?

Show quote history

You honestly think this is acceptable behaviour?

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