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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ageism in friendship group

66 replies

Boogirlgirl · 09/01/2024 07:45

Hi I'm friends with a group of 9 women. We are all from the same village and some of us have known each other since school days.
Our ages range from 40 to 60..im 50.
Issue is there is a very strong culture in the group of considering the younger ones as better than the older ones. Everything is seen through the prism of age . Every clothing, holiday, housing choice of the younger ones is good because they're young whereas every decision made by the older group members is cos they are old and past it so not as good.
This drives me crazy as I never consider age as an issue.
There is a gleeful edge to all conversations about age especially when people are hitting milestone birthdays. I was tortured during the weeks leading up to my 50th with lots of unpleasant laughter about my age, even from the older ones.
It's actually quite nasty at times and we haven't had a night out in years where age related conversations are front and centre and these talks are always negative and cutting.
I love going to gigs and festivals but these women are now saying I'm too old to be doing this!!
I have other good friends where age is not really discussed...im not sure if I should dump this group of women.

OP posts:
IamnotSethRogan · 09/01/2024 07:48

Well regardless of anything, if your friends don't make you feel good there's really no point spending time with them. Friends are meant to be a joy.

Original poster
Boogirlgirl · 09/01/2024 07:50

IamnotSethRogan · 09/01/2024 07:48

Well regardless of anything, if your friends don't make you feel good there's really no point spending time with them. Friends are meant to be a joy.

Thanks you are right. I always feel so depressed and well, old after being out with them x

OP posts:
TheOriginalFrench · 09/01/2024 07:57

I have other good friends where age is not really discussed...im not sure if I should dump this group of women.

You got there in the end!

Silverbirchtwo · 09/01/2024 07:57

Tell them not to be so negative, they may feel old, but you don't and intend to live life to the full forever. Up the oldies! And walk out twirling your jacket over your head (or not).

I have a friend who continually goes on about how old WE are getting. I say you may be but I'm not. We are about the same age, but they seem to have given up on life, much sighing and regret, need a good kick really.

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/01/2024 08:01

This sounds really weird, why are they so obsessed with age do you think?

Anyway, whatever the reason, you don't have to hang out with them if you don't enjoy it. You have other friends so just back away from the other group. You can still be friends, just not see such much of them.

hopscotcher · 09/01/2024 08:01

I don't think I'd be quick to 'dump' eight friends in one go, but it's pretty strange behaviour. Have you broached the subject in any way? They might not realise how annoying it is.

Original poster
Boogirlgirl · 09/01/2024 08:15

Hi thanks for replies. It is strange behaviour and I'm not sure when it really started, probably when a couple of the younger ones joined the group and I think they enjoyed being the young 'uns so it became a thing that the oder ones seem to buy into.
I've no problem discussing age but not negatively. It's even got to the point that when I get the option to retire in 5 years time, it's already been commented that I'm going to be a pensioner soon...and again, not in a positive way. Its just all so bloody gleeful and put downy...I suddenly become very age conscious carotid them when ordinarily I'm not at all x

OP posts:
TheOriginalFrench · 09/01/2024 09:22

I really don’t think you can hope to change the culture of an entire group.

But can you not just continue to communicate with any individual members of the group who are less objectionable, and drop the rest?

Or put a statement on your WhatsApp group chat saying you will no longer engage in any conversation based on ageism. Then wait for them to drop you …

MonsteraMama · 09/01/2024 11:12

Sounds to me like the younger ones are insecure about getting older so take any opportunity to rip piss out of the older ones to make them feel better. They sound horrible to be honest.

I'm in my early 30's but because I had my daughter very young and she's a very independent 16 now, most of my closest friends are in their 50's and 60's because my peers in age are just getting into nappies and night feeds. I adore my friends and would never dream of mocking their age - or thinking them too old to do things that I do!

Get some new friends OP, these ones are duds.

mn29 · 09/01/2024 11:20

Aside from spending less time with them as friends should make you feel better not worse, could you try and shut it down when the conversation starts? Eg “oh not the age thing again! You know it’s pretty rude to the older ones among us and actually I intend to carry on having a great life in my 50s, 60s and beyond so can we stop seeing it as a bad thing please?!”

Sususudio · 09/01/2024 11:23

You can go to gigs and festivals in your 90s, if you so choose. I am in a casual group where someone has just apologised for being in her late 50s! I really don;t know why.

Casual ageism is so vile. I'd distance myself.

madeinmanc · 09/01/2024 11:27

Sounds to me like the younger ones are insecure about getting older

My money's on this, too. 40 is the point where you really realise you're not young anymore, what better way to deny this than by emphasising how much younger you are than some older friends?

Atethehalloweenchocs · 09/01/2024 11:34

Definitely distance is needed. Before that I would be tempted to ask if they know how nasty they sound when they make a comment about age and see how they reply. Are they just dim, or actively nasty. At the very least, you will have said something to them, which I think is really important.

Sususudio · 09/01/2024 11:36

I have a friend who continually goes on about how old WE are getting. I say you may be but I'm not. We are about the same age, but they seem to have given up on life, much sighing and regret, need a good kick really.

I have friends like these and tbh, it's very annoying. Aging is hard, but endless sighing solves nothing. I am all for a good wallow every now and again, but not all the time.

clappity · 09/01/2024 11:37

I find it more common for the older friends to be slightly patronising 'oh you'll change your mind when you are .... '50 or 60or whatever. Or 'yes I used to think like that' with a knowing smirk or 'wait until you are 60 then you'll really^^ understand' etc. I find that weird too

WellFinch · 09/01/2024 11:39

They sound bloody awful.

ManateeFair · 09/01/2024 11:40

Like almost every friendship dilemma on Mumsnet, this one can simply be solved by not being friends with people you don't like.

March2024baby · 09/01/2024 11:45

You sound like the one with the positive and healthy attitude. I would just keep counteracting their comments with a positive and hope others join you.

I think dealing with insecurities about age by mocking older people is so short sighted. That will be then in 10-20 years! Might as well just focus on good quality of life now and positive mindset about it all!

pontipinemum · 09/01/2024 11:51

It does seem strange to bring up age constantly! Obv I don't know the ins/ outs but my SIL is part of a group with about a 20 year age span, AFAIK they don't spend their time comparing ages!

I got jibbed a lot for turning 30 at the time 'pushing on, etc' my response is always the same 'age is a blessing denied to many' - my sister died of cancer at 33. Might sound preachy but shuts them up

madeinmanc · 09/01/2024 11:53

I got jibbed a lot for turning 30 at the time

When I think back to turning 30 a lot of comments made me feel bad, really bad, about it at the time whereas now I realise I was in my absolute prime. All of those comments were from women, sadly.

Orangebadger · 09/01/2024 12:05

Either get rid of them or call them out on it. Challenge them! You may find others who find it equally insulting, especially if there are only one or two driving it.

oneflewoverthe · 09/01/2024 12:07

They sound terrible. You have other friends so I wouldn't waste my time on these losers.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 09/01/2024 12:08

I find that quite shocking actually . I am part of similar friendship groups and I'm towards the older end. If anything it's the people in their 40s who are giving the age-related moans, or including themselves in the same age-group as the older members, or even asking advice where others have already been there (eg HRT). We are all very much accepting of our own and others' life stages .

I don't think I would want to be part of your group unless it was a necessity or there were ways I benefitted and could take or leave other parts .

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 09/01/2024 12:10

Thinking of it - I am part of another group (ex colleagues) where age range goes into mid 70's and I am open in admiration of the lives that older friends live .

Mrsjayy · 09/01/2024 12:17

Boogirlgirl · 09/01/2024 07:50

Thanks you are right. I always feel so depressed and well, old after being out with them x

Show quote history

how can they be friends if you are so miserable? they probably think they are a hoot some people might just dismiss it as "banter " but they just sound unpleasant.