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Original poster

Ageism in friendship group

66 replies

Boogirlgirl · 09/01/2024 07:45

Hi I'm friends with a group of 9 women. We are all from the same village and some of us have known each other since school days.
Our ages range from 40 to 60..im 50.
Issue is there is a very strong culture in the group of considering the younger ones as better than the older ones. Everything is seen through the prism of age . Every clothing, holiday, housing choice of the younger ones is good because they're young whereas every decision made by the older group members is cos they are old and past it so not as good.
This drives me crazy as I never consider age as an issue.
There is a gleeful edge to all conversations about age especially when people are hitting milestone birthdays. I was tortured during the weeks leading up to my 50th with lots of unpleasant laughter about my age, even from the older ones.
It's actually quite nasty at times and we haven't had a night out in years where age related conversations are front and centre and these talks are always negative and cutting.
I love going to gigs and festivals but these women are now saying I'm too old to be doing this!!
I have other good friends where age is not really discussed...im not sure if I should dump this group of women.

OP posts:
Hocuspocusnonsense · 09/01/2024 12:19

Are you mad?

Read what you have written!

How can you call them friends? They sound unpleasant, competitive and bitchy.

Do your self esteem a favour, ditch this circle.

And the ‘young’ ones gloating at being ‘young’ will soon be 50! Time flies!

Mrsjayy · 09/01/2024 12:24

I have a similar group through a thing I'm involved in the eldest is in her 70s we have never been nasty and dare I say bitchy to one another.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/01/2024 12:27

This is why I hate the "friendship group" concept and have never subscribed to it. Yours isn't a friendship group, it's a catty bitchfest group.

I have several friends (none like this thank god) who I see in varying permutations, none of us are classed as a group, which makes it sound like you have to meet all together, there are membership rules, etc. Just hate the concept altogether.

They sound horrible.

exttf · 09/01/2024 12:28

I have other good friends where age is not really discussed...im not sure if I should dump this group of women

Yeah, get rid of them. They will bring you down with an attitude like that.
You have other friends. You don't need this nonsense in your life. It's depressing when people talk like that.
Yeah, we are all getting older, fact of life. I'm late 40s and still feel like I'm in my 30s. I can't be doing with people of a similar age talking about how old they are and their retirement plans and how they don't do this or that anymore because they are "too old".
You can do whatever you like at whatever age you like assuming you are still in good health. It's health which determines what you can do at a particular age, not the number of years itself.

fedupwithbeinghot · 09/01/2024 12:32

They sound very unpleasant. How you ever reminded them that they are not spring chickens either?

You've worked long, presumably built a career, paid off your house etc. Have they achieved the same yet?

Rosiem2808 · 09/01/2024 12:32

It is such a shame when age is brought into anything as we are all different and some people age quicker mentally than others, some age quicker physically and some of us - which is me, do not look nor act 'older' (whatever that is ! )
I am retired but have recently started working again. I am obviously older than my work colleagues but they do not know how old I am and nobody has asked. If anyone does I will tell them. I am not ashamed of my age but I think it may bring up a barrier between friendships I have made.
I think with women, it is the knowing someone is older that starts the ageism.
OP, I think you are done here with these women and I honestly think the older ladies in your group may be feeling exactly like you do but are afraid to either complain or do anything about it.
Find a better group of friends I say. I am 69 this year and feel the same as I ever did and long may it remain so.

Vinrouge4 · 09/01/2024 12:42

IamnotSethRogan · 09/01/2024 07:48

Well regardless of anything, if your friends don't make you feel good there's really no point spending time with them. Friends are meant to be a joy.

I love this! 'Friends are meant to be a joy'. I am going to remember that.

Daleksatemyshed · 09/01/2024 12:46

Get better friends Op! Friends make you feel good, you're not supposed to come away feeling picked on or fed up. I'm several years older than you and this lot would get very short shift from me

HowAmYa · 09/01/2024 12:51

Went to see Iron Maiden last year and there were many many people there in their 50s/60s/70s. I think its lovely seeing people of all ages able to enjoy something together.

You're never too old for anything that you enjoy

Dump this shit group and go to a a festival!

NeedToChangeName · 09/01/2024 12:51

I never understand posts about a bunch of long term friends who don't actually enjoy each other's company !

Why not just let the friendship drift, if it's not working for you?

Pancakefam · 09/01/2024 12:52

I have a group of friends that sound very similar. Quite a few are approaching a milestone birthday and they go on and on about how terrible it will be to reach that age (yes, it's forty!) despite older members of the group pointing out they're being ridiculous. I do think that attitude is quite common, from my experience. They also poke fun at each other. I'm not at all sensitive about ageing so it doesn't bother me.

However, anyone that tells you what you can and can't do, based on your age, should be told to fuck off. And not in a jokey way. How they then reacted would help me decide whether they were worth my time.

Meadowfinch · 09/01/2024 12:57

Anyone who told me I was too old to do something would get openly laughed at by me.

If you enjoy their company in other ways, I'd stick with it but call them out every time they come out with such rubbish.

I'm older than you and can still run Parkrun in 30 minutes, unlike quite a few of my younger friends, but I'm not so ill mannered to point it out.

Tonight1 · 09/01/2024 13:09

Can you just meet up with the ones whose company you enjoy..?

I'm 40s and me and my schoolfriends do giggle at our next milestone being 50.

Aside from that my other friends range from 20s to 60s and age has never been an issue.

It sounds like the unpleasant ones would be better off meeting on their own!

idontlikealdi · 09/01/2024 13:43

My immediate friendship group ranges from 42-54. Age doesn't come into it apart from the fact we all seem to act like we're 20 when we get together.

They're not friends.

OwlWeiwei · 09/01/2024 13:47

Just laugh at them. If they say you are too old for festivals, just say Oh my God, do you think you will want to spend your lives knitting boottees in a rocking chair as soon a syou hit 50? You might, but I certainly don;t. I'll probably be alove for another good 40 years and I'm going to enjoy it.

You could also just say, 'Age-ist.' I say that to my DC every time they sneer at us and it really shuts them up immediately as they are so woke about all other forms of discrimination. Grin

cardibach · 09/01/2024 13:57

I used to read DD a book from my own childhood called ‘A Friend is Someone Who Likes You’ and we used that mantra all through her teenage years. It’s true. And if they are making fun of your age, do they really like you?
Don’t let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do base on age either. Play them this:
Key lyrics: I'm happy and I'm settled in the person I've become
But that doesn't mean I'm settled up and sitting out the game
Time may change a lot but some things may stay the same
And I won't sit down
And I won't shut up
And most of all I will not grow up
I have it in a frame in my wall…

Frank Turner - Photosynthesis Lyrics

Frank Turner "Photosynthesis" lyrics from the album Love, Ire & SongNo copyright infringement intended.I do not own the song!Enjoy!

https://youtu.be/OxH0rYtn-x0?si=ASJE-2gxhw8Dqg8r

Mrsjayy · 09/01/2024 14:04

Oh @cardibach we had that book when Dds were children eldest is in her 30s, late Mil gave us it.

cardibach · 09/01/2024 15:58

It’s lovely isn’t it @Mrsjayy! I’ve lost it somewhere in multiple house moves 😢

Mrsjayy · 09/01/2024 16:28

cardibach · 09/01/2024 15:58

It’s lovely isn’t it @Mrsjayy! I’ve lost it somewhere in multiple house moves 😢

it really was and was always a mantra in our house. I think ours is in a cupboard somewhere.

Original poster
Boogirlgirl · 09/01/2024 16:36

Hi thank you all so much for your messages...its crazy but I was starting to feel I was the problem. I did used to challenge them about this issue but it became evident they thought I was being a problem over it and I was once accused of being aggressive when I pleaded with them to stop calling me old!! I since stopped but still accused of rolling my eyes and tutting when the age thing inevitably becomes the major topic of conversation. I was out with them last weekend and the conversation was basically the 2 youngest were the prettiest cos they were young and me and a few of the others weren't so much because we were old. To be honest, in the end, I made my excuses and left xx

OP posts:
MermaidEyes · 09/01/2024 16:50

They all sound insecure about their ages. The way they talk you'd think the 'young' ones are 21, not in their 40s. (Talking about who is prettiest? I hear that kind of conversation from my 20 year old daughter and her friends.) I personally don't see a lot of difference in those two decades, being somewhere in the middle of those ages. As for holidays...the people I know having the best holidays are those in the older age bracket. They're the ones who don't work full time, have savings, and aren't having to fork out for children or pay extortionate school holiday prices. Stick to your other friends OP, these sound rubbish.

Mrsjayy · 09/01/2024 16:53

Boogirlgirl · 09/01/2024 16:36

Hi thank you all so much for your messages...its crazy but I was starting to feel I was the problem. I did used to challenge them about this issue but it became evident they thought I was being a problem over it and I was once accused of being aggressive when I pleaded with them to stop calling me old!! I since stopped but still accused of rolling my eyes and tutting when the age thing inevitably becomes the major topic of conversation. I was out with them last weekend and the conversation was basically the 2 youngest were the prettiest cos they were young and me and a few of the others weren't so much because we were old. To be honest, in the end, I made my excuses and left xx

My god they sound really dull I hope they have other qualities that you like and they don't go on like that all the time.

Orangebadger · 09/01/2024 16:57

Agree they sound dull! Leave them to wallow in getting older. Might be worth pointing out that aging is better than the alternative! If you can be arsed, I probably would not bother!

Original poster
Boogirlgirl · 09/01/2024 17:08

Oh I feel so relieved about your responses. I have been accused of being sensitive or embarrassed about my age, which I'm not ..I just don't want every thing I say to be viewed through an age prespective...if I say I have a sore foot, it's because I'm old or if I choose a particular set of curtains , it's because I'm old.
It might not seem like it but these are nice women generally but somehow the age issue has become completely embedded in everything..the older ones ate the worst offenders actually...smirks and gleeful side eyes when talking about my age, though to be honest the younger ones aren't that much better xx

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 09/01/2024 17:13

some people find that stuff funny and if it has caught on then they all seem to be doing it. you can either "laugh it off" or just ignore it and talk past the age reference.