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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss coffee date.

64 replies

Joonio · 08/01/2024 21:27

Usually if meeting someone for coffee we discuss time and decide where to meet.This friend has got into the habit of texting late in the evening saying meet tomorrow 10.00 at X venue.Its like a command.
Last time she chose a cafe that didn't suit me as it was very noisy and I couldn't follow the chat. The coffee was not hot.
She has just sent a text again saying meet tomorrow at 10 in same place.I have made an excuse and feel quite annoyed.The other thing I feel annoyed about is that she often invites another friend I don't really know and mainly talks to her.I can't hear if it's very noisy.

OP posts:
dudsville · 08/01/2024 21:29

What's the aibu? You don't like the "invitation" (i completely agree!) nor the destination. So, of course, decline.

MassiveOvaryaction · 08/01/2024 21:30

Why didn't you suggest somewhere to go if you wanted to meet?

SkaneTos · 08/01/2024 21:30

Suggest a different place, with better coffee?

Needtogrowsproutsfordecember · 08/01/2024 21:32

Tell her it's your turn to choose.... Surely that's the way forward?

PeeblesPobble · 08/01/2024 21:32

Why make an excuse, why not just say you don't like it there and suggest an alternative?

whyamiawakestill · 08/01/2024 21:33

I'd just message back and say can we go to X I find it tricky to hear you at Y coffee shop.

I'm not sure I'd be annoyed at a friend wanting to meet up, she/he is thinking about you and being friendly and wants to spend time with you.

I do agree with taking others sometimes I'd rather know who's going just so I can be prepared for more chat.

TeaKitten · 08/01/2024 21:33

Just reply and say can we meet at x instead? Otherwise how will she no.

PeeblesPobble · 08/01/2024 21:33

I've never been anywhere that serves cold coffee though, must be a pretty poor place! Even horrible machine coffee in soft play is always hot.

LG93 · 08/01/2024 21:34

Surely you just say "do you mind if we try somewhere else, it was a bit loud for me in there last time. What about x?"

Equally maybe if she hasn't heard from you with a suggestion she thinks you don't mind/aren't planning on making a suggestion, could you get in there first in future?

Obviously if she doesn't want to change her plans then it's your call on whether to go or not but if you don't say anything how can she know you don't like it?!

PeeblesPobble · 08/01/2024 21:35

And also just say 'is it just us two or anyone else going?'.

Your friend isn't a mind reader.

Original poster
Joonio · 08/01/2024 21:39

I did reply the last time saying let's go to B but she just replied no its X.Quite abruptly.

OP posts:
Needtogrowsproutsfordecember · 08/01/2024 21:45

Just cancel.. She isn't your mate..

Tbry24 · 08/01/2024 22:00

Try suggesting some other places at times that suit you. If she replies and meets you she wants to see you otherwise it’s just a friendship on her terms.

PossumintheHouse · 08/01/2024 22:02

No.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/01/2024 07:12

Joonio · 08/01/2024 21:39

I did reply the last time saying let's go to B but she just replied no its X.Quite abruptly.

Maybe as her and the other friend had made a plan and they were extending that invite to you

If you do otherwise like that friend then text later and say 'sorry couldn't join today honestly that place stresses me out as I can't hear in there. Would love to seee you soon though (and suggest a variety of times and places that would work for you both)

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 09/01/2024 07:18

I would say 'I'm not really keen on it there, I could meet you in x?' And if she says 'no, it has to be y' I'd say, 'sorry, that doesn't work for me, I'll have to pass. See you another time soon'

Whataretheodds · 09/01/2024 07:23

Joonio · 08/01/2024 21:39

I did reply the last time saying let's go to B but she just replied no its X.Quite abruptly.

Don't phrase it as a question, then.

Next time say "Doesn't work for me thanks, see you soon" or "can't do there but can meet you at X at 10 instead".

Had you agreed you would meet on this day for coffee or is that totally out of the blue too?

Whataretheodds · 09/01/2024 07:24

And don't apologise for not wanting to jump at her command.

PieAndLattes · 09/01/2024 07:27

Just say, ‘It’s too noisy there, and the coffee was cold the last time. Shall we go to X instead?’ Next time, you make the suggestion first.

PieAndLattes · 09/01/2024 07:29

Joonio · 08/01/2024 21:39

I did reply the last time saying let's go to B but she just replied no its X.Quite abruptly.

Sorry - just say you can’t make it then.

MissyB1 · 09/01/2024 07:32

You need to get in first with the invitation.

MissMelanieH · 09/01/2024 07:32

It sounds like she tacking you on to her existing coffee date which is why she's inflexible.
Try being proactive and suggesting dates and places that work for you (this does read as if she's being left to organise) and see if she's keen to make an arrangement. If she only wants you to do things her way then I'd suggest being honest rather than making an excuse.
It may just be a friendship that fizzles out though so be prepared!

Original poster
Joonio · 09/01/2024 08:20

An update! Just heard that they are closed this morning. Should I tell her?
I expect they will end up somewhere else but as someone said I think the friendship is failing.

OP posts:
Tonight1 · 09/01/2024 08:58

OP 😁

Up to you really - if you want to fizzle out the friendship then let her find out, she wouldn't know you knew. They might have to go to the cafe you prefer...

How did you find out?

starfishmummy · 09/01/2024 09:14

Joonio · 08/01/2024 21:39

I did reply the last time saying let's go to B but she just replied no its X.Quite abruptly.

So the answer is rather than her being the one who does the arranging, why don't you arrange a coffee date and ask her?

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