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AIBU?

To get my DH to do this...

81 replies

classof2005 · 08/01/2024 00:57

I'm having a bit of a mental health crisis and I think my job has triggered it. It's the day before I'm due to go in and I'm quite literally vomiting and having a panic attack, I'm shaking uncontrollably.
I don't need the job money wise... my DH knows the boss. Aibu to get him to go and have a word and say I won't be in as I'm having a MH crisis? I'm going to ring the crisis team and get to get help

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Hermittrismegistus · 08/01/2024 02:05

No child needs to wake up knowing their mother has randomly gone in the night. What a sure way to cause anxiety issues in children.

You say you don't actually need the job money wise. Make the grown up decision to just leave the job and go back home.

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greaj · 08/01/2024 02:09

Leave the job. You don't need it and it's making you ill. It's ok to leave it.

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classof2005 · 08/01/2024 02:10

My eldest is already here at my parents as he's off school tomorrow so he was going to stay with grandparents. My 18 month old is in bed at home as I was going to take her to nursery before I started work. But DH going to stay home tomorrow now. I'm not thinking straight

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TheShellBeach · 08/01/2024 02:11

Hermittrismegistus · 08/01/2024 02:05

No child needs to wake up knowing their mother has randomly gone in the night. What a sure way to cause anxiety issues in children.

You say you don't actually need the job money wise. Make the grown up decision to just leave the job and go back home.

The OP is protecting her mental health.
Don't be horrible to her when she's so down.

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JingleSnowmanTree · 08/01/2024 02:14

classof2005 · 08/01/2024 01:20

How can I get through the night? DH needs sleep, dc in bed. I feel like getting in my car in my dressing gown and driving the 5 miles to my parents house.. my safe space even now.. should I do this?
I knew this job has been playing on my mind all Christmas but the night before I'm due back I didn't expect physically symptoms like this
Can you work a notice period while on sick? I don't know if I can go back

@classof2005 I'm still here at the moment. What did your Dad say when you rang, asking him to help you?

don't drive (or walk) there.

if it were me I'd cuddle up to DH & try to match my breathing to his.

can he stay home with you tomorrow?

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Hermittrismegistus · 08/01/2024 02:15

The OP is protecting her mental health.
Don't be horrible to her when she's so down

It's not horrible to believe that it's a parents responsibility to protect their children from the negatives of parental mental health issues.

The OP had an easy solution. She leaves her job. It's that simple.

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JingleSnowmanTree · 08/01/2024 02:20

Hermittrismegistus · 08/01/2024 02:05

No child needs to wake up knowing their mother has randomly gone in the night. What a sure way to cause anxiety issues in children.

You say you don't actually need the job money wise. Make the grown up decision to just leave the job and go back home.

@Hermittrismegistus oh behave!

mummy has gone to Grandads because she wasn't feeling very well & Grandad wanted to look after her like I look after you when you're not well.

if she can sleep then spending the night at her Dads is a FAR better idea. DDad & DH can sort the chil/ren out in the morning.

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classof2005 · 08/01/2024 02:22

@JingleSnowmanTree I somehow managed to drive myself to Dad's.. he'd gone back to sleep with the key in the door so I had to ring the house phone to get in.. in my bright pink dressing gown.
He's been sat talking to me but has gone back to bed now. So I'm just sat up on my bed, still shaking.

It's a bit of a vicious circle for me as I'm phobic of vomiting so it makes it even worse. Stress makes me sick and then I panic about being sick 😢

I'm going to have to leave the job. My doctors have appointments on Tuesday so I'm going to go for a chat.

Ive just started citalopram as I've been really struggling

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classof2005 · 08/01/2024 02:24

@JingleSnowmanTree thank you xx

My eldest dc who is the one who will understand is already here anyway as he's still off school until Tuesday so stayed here tonight to save me dropping him off before I started work. It's just my 18 month old at home but she won't understand

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JingleSnowmanTree · 08/01/2024 02:28

@Latewinter

Remember that the worst thing that can happen if you have a panic attack is you have a panic attack and then it's over. It's awful but it doesn't kill or injure you. It passes like a storm

I read something very similar on here years ago after my Dad died & I started getting panic attacks (thankfully only mild ones) and it helped me SO much.

i just stood in the doorway & repeated 'It can't DO anything'

@classof2005 sorry MN is playing up for me a bit tonight, I kept missing your updates. I'm glad your Dad is looking after you. Eldest is with you & DH can take little one to nursery & be around for you tomorrow & deal with work.

are you feeling a bit better now?

I don't know what your job is, but you have to leave, don't worry about working your notice, all that crap can be sorted out later.

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JingleSnowmanTree · 08/01/2024 02:36

@classof2005

& cross posted again 😂😂

I wish my Dad lived around the corner. He died 14 years ago this month & I miss him every day. Please give your Dad an extra hug in the morning for me 🤗

they'll probably say you need to give your current dose time to settle in, but may up it for you. If it's really recently started it may have made tonight worse not better.

but no need to worry now, you're at your Dad's in your bedroom, your eldest is there. You're safe & loved.

do you think you can get some sleep now?

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VelvetandLace · 08/01/2024 02:40

You don’t have to make a decision about leaving at the moment OP. You can take sick leave, and see how you feel in a few weeks when you are in a better head space.
Give your medication a bit of time to kick in, so you can think more rationally.

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classof2005 · 08/01/2024 02:46

@JingleSnowmanTree You have been so unbelievably kind tonight. You have no idea how much your kind words have comforted this complete stranger Flowers

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. My dad's in his early 70s and I know that day will come for me too and I can't bear to think about it. He's my best friend and is one of the only people who might not understand, but tries to and has patience, when I've had mental health issues.

That's so true.. it can't do anything. It's the physical symptoms that make me worse as then my mind always goes to what if it isn't a panic attack what if it's something worse.

I started the citalopram on Thursday, I didn't realise it could make symptoms worse.

My job is in healthcare would you believe.. I booked some time off over Christmas and all I've thought about is work, going back to it and how I can't face it. Then the night before all this happens.. I wasn't even really thinking I was just doing some jobs round the house when it started.

I'm not sure I'm calm enough to sleep but I've got the tv on so I'm hoping I might drift off eventually.

Thank you so much xxx

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VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 08/01/2024 02:47

classof2005 · 08/01/2024 02:22

@JingleSnowmanTree I somehow managed to drive myself to Dad's.. he'd gone back to sleep with the key in the door so I had to ring the house phone to get in.. in my bright pink dressing gown.
He's been sat talking to me but has gone back to bed now. So I'm just sat up on my bed, still shaking.

It's a bit of a vicious circle for me as I'm phobic of vomiting so it makes it even worse. Stress makes me sick and then I panic about being sick 😢

I'm going to have to leave the job. My doctors have appointments on Tuesday so I'm going to go for a chat.

Ive just started citalopram as I've been really struggling

This sounds like it's partly "new meds syndrome".

If you can afford to quit, do so and ask your GP to sign you off for your notice period. You can spend your notice period on sick leave, I've done it.

You can search for a more suitable job once your meds have settled.

Ginger tea and ginger sweets will help settle your stomach.

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VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 08/01/2024 02:50

I started the citalopram on Thursday, I didn't realise it could make symptoms worse.

That's what I meant by "new meds syndrome".

The PP who suggested some time on sick leave before deciding what to do about your job is wiser than me.

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classof2005 · 08/01/2024 02:53

Can started new antidepressants have an effect like this? Ironically I started taking them as I hoped they would help me cope better with how I've been feeling about work.

I'm taking 10mg Escitalopram sorry not citalopram x

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auberginefortea · 08/01/2024 02:54

In future, it's best not to drive to your parents. That could have resulted in a real tragedy. I hope you're better soon.

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Barleysugar86 · 08/01/2024 03:03

Hi OP,

We had exactly this situation with my hubby a year or so ago so thought I'd share my thoughts. Job was stressing him out and I don't think he even realised it himself until he had his first ever panic attack the night before he was due to be in. I rang in for him and told them honestly he'd had a panic attack in the early hours of the morning and wasn't up to coming in that day and asked them to liaise with me and left my details.

They were happy to contact me, and also emailed my husband to let him know they'd received my message/ wish him well etc. Hubby was signed off sick for a couple of weeks and anxiety came and went but kept going crazy and further panic attacks at the thought of going in. I couldn't entirely understand it as it seemed like the things at work (mainly just a general negative depressing environment) shouldn't have been bad enough to have that reaction from him. But after that first panic attack it was like the job was entwined with the most scary event of his life.

He was off sick a couple of months and gently let go by his employer. I think everyone realised he couldn't return at that point. I don't blame them at all. Hubby took a while wrestling with some demons generally but has since returned to work in a different place where he is fine (and no more attacks).

If the thought of dealing with work stresses you out more don't do it. Prioritise youself. Get some time to heal and see where you land.

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Painintheback · 08/01/2024 03:10

Whilst it's true that normally you should report sickness to your emoloyer yourself, situations do occur where individuals are too unwell to do this in which case it would be perfectly reasonable for a next of kin to do this for them.
If you truly are completely incapable of functioning- I have suffered a full breakdown and realise this is different from a stress episode, and it would has-been not been possible in s million years for me to do anything at all. Under circumstances like these it would be totally appropriate for someone rise to make the call. They don't need to give too many details just say you have become exttemely unwell and are in the process of immediate medical intervention and unable to be in contact yourself. It's irrelevant whether your husband knows your boss.

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Whatthefnow · 08/01/2024 03:20

Hope you're ok op.

Make the decision to leave the job and that alone might help you.

X

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JingleSnowmanTree · 08/01/2024 03:24

@classof2005

🤗

your Dad loves you & looks after you, it's lovely he's your best friend. My Dad was only 65, massive heart attack. We were on holiday. On the other hand my great aunt is 96 & going strong! Hopefully you have a long time with him yet!!

in Healthcare, it's no wonder you're stressed.

I totally understand the worries about is it just a panic attack & what else could be wrong etc.

only started taking it on Thursday, it could definitely be making you feel worse tonight, but give it a chance to settle in.

🤗🤗I'll come & see you in the morning. I might be about later on, but hoping to get some sleep before I need to get up.

hope you get some sleep too. The shopping channel should help you with that!!

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SpidersAreShitheads · 08/01/2024 03:30

How are you doing OP? I’m hoping you’ve drifted off to sleep.

I’ve been where you are tonight. You need to prioritise your health, don’t listen to PP saying you have to contact your employer yourself. When you have a mental health crisis even the thought of sending a text is too much. Let your DH take care of things, you don’t need or want this job anyway.

In the grand scheme of things all that matters is getting you back on an even keel.

Have you been on SSRIs (Escitalopram) before? I can’t take SSRIs - they make me agitated and anxious. There are other groups of antidepressants and not all of them have the same unpleasant side effects when you start. If the side effects are intolerable go and talk to your GP - there might be a better alternative.

Other good advice on this thread - panic attacks feel overwhelming and are terrifying but they won’t hurt you. You’re not “going mad” - remember: this too shall pass.

There are lots of good techniques - one good one is to find something you can hear, something you can see, something you can smell, something you can taste, and something you can touch. Engaging your senses will help you to feel grounded.

Let any negative thoughts wash over you like a wave - say to yourself “they’re just thoughts, I can let them go”. Don’t fight them - let them come and just wash away. You can let them go.

You will be ok. This is just a bad moment. It happens to lots of people. You will be fine.

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Lizzieregina · 08/01/2024 03:37

I’m so sorry for what you’re dealing with. My son has suffered similarly and I’ve watched it and it’s awful.

Rather than quit your job, I’d agree with whoever said to take some sick time while you wait for your meds to kick in, and then make a more informed decision when you’re feeling better.

Also, when you see your doctor on Tuesday, I’d ask if you could get a small, regular dose of a rescue anti anxiety medicine until the Citalopram starts to work (Xanax or similar). At his worst (basically total panic that was non stop) my son’s doctor prescribed Klonopin morning and evening for a couple of weeks with a taper week. It was very effective in helping him cope in the short term and in the meantime the other medicines were starting to work (he uses duloxetine). It was a game changer for him.

I sincerely wish you all the best.

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Josette77 · 08/01/2024 03:40

Oh sweetness, sending you a huge hug. 💖

I'm on the same meds.

Here if you need to talk.

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GreatGateauxsby · 08/01/2024 03:55

@classof2005

Re:Work
you can just email your boss and say “I’m unwell and can’t come in today”
Then….
when you see the GP on Tuesday discuss a sick note / fit note.

i agree with others you should take time before resigning and make a decision when things are calmer. Sometimes work can be beneficial to MH as it gives structure routine sense of identity and purpose vs being at home. Equally it can be the cause or a stressor which is driving how you feel and you may benefit from leave if it’s a toxic workplace/unduly stressful/ not working for you.
Make that decision you when are in a calmer more centred place.

what I would say is:

  1. everything always seems less bad in the morning / after some sleep
  2. posters are correct while horrendous panic attacks can’t actually harm you - it’s worth remembering that
  3. you have people around you who love you
  4. in time, all things come to past


good luck and be kind to yourself.
adjusting to meditation can be difficult.
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