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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Kicked my boyfriend out instead of believing he’s story of where he was on a night out

110 replies

Lolared · 07/01/2024 15:50

So not had a very good relationship with this man so far but things have been going ok for the last year he stopped drinking , he mentioned going on a work do for Christmas- so drinking. He going with he’s work friend who doesn’t drink and said he would show he’s face have a few and leave. Also the fact he had to pick he’s son up the next day at 7am . I was holding a lot of things back I wanted to say but was giving the benefit of the doubt - I half believed it .
he rings me about 6 tells me he’s there etc. I don’t ring him at all I didn’t want to look like I didn’t trust him so left him to it .

It got to about quarter past 11 I’m thinking he’s losing track of time so I call he says he’s leaving soon 1 more beer.

It’s 12:30 I call no answer 2 times so I ring fred no answer.
I ring Fred’s girlfriend she says fred left don’t know where your boyfriend is but Fred’s on he’s way home.
My boyfriend calls back I ask where are u Fred’s gone home thought u we’re leaving with him- says him and others have gone to another bar but doesn’t know what it’s called.
How can he not know where he is so I call back , no answer- 20 calls no answer .

he had my daughters old iPhone as he’s was broken so I went onto the find my iPhone app and look at he’s location it’s coming up at a travel lodge!
I texted him -

“ saying your in a bar when your in a f*** travel lodge we are done don’t come to my house “.

An hour later Fred calls - “why are u saying he’s in a travel lodge he’s not I just spoke to him”

I say I can see he’s location, he says that’s a load of s* he just called me then gets abusive saying don’t call my f**ing wife ever again shouting down the phone so I end the call.
I text and say don’t ever talk to me like that I simply asked if she knew where you both was no one was picking up I’m never rude to u or her so I don’t expect u to be rude to me.

i looked at the address on Google maps , there’s a bar at the end of the road but the location isn’t even close to it it’s very much in the travel lodge building.

I go to bed , 5:30 am he knocks at the door . I say nothing open it and go to bed he sleeps on the sofa.
Come 10am he’s still asleep. He’s baby mum is now calling me asking what’s going on he’s meant to be getting he’s son .
He wakes up and goes to get him then calls me saying I’ve just seen your text what are you going on about.
I said well if you wasn’t you can prove to me with your card payments - would be at said bar - yes I will show u the whole phone anything u want to see.
also your mate spoke to me like absolute garbage he said he will get him to apologise.

The weekend goes by,I look after he’s children, he’s hungover sleeping so i get them showers dinner bedtime, next day - breakfast showers and dinner . Boyfriend hasn’t attempted to show me anything or even spoken about it .
No attempt of an apology from Fred either.
I don’t want any conflict in front of the children so I just wait , they go home.

I ask about it , he goes off on one says I’m belittling him. We have a huge row but he still doesn’t show me any proof against it .
im then crying , he gets the phone logs into the banking and its got nothing from the bar and nothing from the travel lodge.
just withdrawing cash at a tesco next to the travel lodge! So it’s proven nothing . We continue arguing I say why have I had to beg this out of you then it’s being deflected back to me , he rubs he’s eyes says please stop talking I don’t care and goes to bed .
goes off to work the next day.

I’m still upset but thinking maybe he’s telling the truth that’s why he’s so unbothered about proving it 🤷🏼‍♀️ he comes in from work shouting being rude about something else . Goes out slamming the door.

Thats the last straw for me , I pack ALL he’s things , I organise it all label every single bag it takes me 2 hours ( he had so many clothes 😑)
I put it all outside on the doorstep with a note saying please take everything don’t contact me , anything I’ve forgotten come back with a court order or a police escort within 30 days or it’s going in the bin.

He comes back sees all the bags , is at the window saying what the f* ,your mad your a mug, kicks my front door and breaks the hinges . He takes everything 🙏🏻🙌🏻 and goes.

Sorry for how long this is I wanted to explain as much as possible to get an outsiders perspective.
Anyone think he was telling the truth ?
also forgot to add he turned the location off after I sent the text about being in a travel lodge so from about 1:30 to 5:30 he’s location is unknown.
TIA xx

OP posts:
Tandora · 07/01/2024 16:40

NeighbourhoodWatchPotholeDivision · 07/01/2024 16:21

End it.

So what if he's telling the truth that he was in a bar all night?

He was supposed to pick up his son at 7am the next morning and he didn't. Does it really make him Father of the Year material if he let his son down because he was out drinking all night?

Don't go out with men who treat their kids like shit.

This with bells on.

i voted YABU because this whole situation sounds like a right mess and your priorities appear to be all over the place. Get rid of this man now and expect better.

TitusMoan · 07/01/2024 16:41

Voucherwoes · 07/01/2024 16:38

£50? To be fair god knows then - that wouldn’t pay for a travel lodge or a strip club

Services at For Your Eyes Only start at £20, sadly

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 16:43

You did the right thing OP. Well done for doing it quickly.

The fucker is going to miss you taking care of his children.

At least you won’t be a babysitter anymore.

Where has he gone?

Please don’t let him in.

Change the lock when you get the hinge fixed xxx

SgtJuneAckland · 07/01/2024 16:44

You don't trust him, why would you be in a relationship with someone you don't trust, regardless of whether he's actually done anything. Also he's abdicating his childcare responsibilities to you and was late to pick up his child because he was hung over. He also shouts at you and kicked your door in. All big no's for me.

FWIW I don't think you were a doormat to look after the children if you are genuinely getting rid, they are not your responsibility but you were kind to look after them when their father wouldn't, just don't let it become a pattern.

On the other side there's no way you should've called Fred or his girlfriend so I understand why Fred is pissed off. This toxic nonsense is between you and your boyfriend.

Emotionalsupportviper · 07/01/2024 16:45

Whether that location thingy was right or wrong was incidental.

His behaviour afterwards - leaving YOU to take care of HIS children because he is "too tired", kicking down your door etc - tells you that he is a waste of space.

You did the right thing.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/01/2024 16:45

TitusMoan · 07/01/2024 16:41

Services at For Your Eyes Only start at £20, sadly

I hate to think what your search algorithm's going to bring up over the next few days 😆

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2024 16:45

What the fuck....

It doesn't matter if he's lying or cheating or not, this relationship is toxic as fuck. That's reason enough to end it.

Too many women staying in toxic relationships and their barr is so low they'll stay, stay stay until he cheats. It's ridiculous.

Relationships are supposed to be as easy as breathing. They're supposed to add joy and warnth and kindness to your life. Otherwise there no point to them.

You were right to leave. Do not take him back. And probably best to stay single for a while yourself too.

Britneyfan · 07/01/2024 16:45

It really doesn’t matter if he was telling the truth about his location (I very much suspect he was not). This man has a drinking problem, doesn’t respect you enough to take your calls, has friends who are abusive to you, doesn’t pick up his own child on time because he’s been out drinking, doesn’t look after his own kids and leaves it to you because he’s hungover, calls you names, accuses you of being “mad”, and kicks your door in after an argument. I think you’re well off out of it and you’ve absolutely done the right thing.

But I would really encourage you to report the door kicking incident to police as domestic abuse, this is really not ok, and it will mean there is a record on file of you reporting this close to the time it happened if he comes back to cause you more problems in future, which will give you more options for dealing with his abuse.

It was very kind of you to look after his children when he was not fit to do it, and to be thoughtful enough to have the discussion with him which was likely to escalate, when they were safely home with their mum.

Don’t worry about grammar at a time like this. Just look after yourself.

ExtraOnions · 07/01/2024 16:46

Locations are quite often wrong… when my husband is at the pub it often shows him in a local field, or at random adresses. Thing is, I trust him, and know it’s a mess up by the location thing.
The location is the last of your issues .. lack of trust, lack of communication and disrespect are the issues

Britneyfan · 07/01/2024 16:47

I also agree with a pp re: changing the lock now just in case.

StaunchMomma · 07/01/2024 16:48

Even if he's not lying about the Travelodge, he's a twat in many other ways!

The lying in bed with a hangover while you look after his kids is enough to bin him for, never mind the 800 other dickhead things he's done!

Stick to your word and never speak to him again. He's a wrong 'un.

NoTouch · 07/01/2024 16:49

ttcat37 · 07/01/2024 16:34

Was she nasty though? I think she was really polite actually. The OP said thanks. If people don’t realise they’re making a mistake then they can’t correct it. Nobody was being a dick about it.

The OP's life has just be turned upside down and she is in pieces, she is someone who has obviously been in an unhealthy relationship where she has been so put down with negative comments she is questioning herself and her self esteem is low.

To be so unaware of the context of the thread to start critising, of all things, their fucking grammar is mind blowingly inappropriate and they should be ashamed of themselves for that post and so should you for trying to make out that could in any way be ok.

Lolared · 07/01/2024 16:49

PoinsettiaLives · 07/01/2024 16:39

Suspect he's telling himself that he was being honest- after all I imagine there is a bar in FYEO- but he was clearly trying to mislead you.

This makes sooooo much more sense to me now , he kept saying he was at a bar it wasn’t a lie it was so convincing, he WAS at a bar but that type of bar and couldn’t say the name of it 😂😂 on the bank transactions they made no sense they had weird names of just a street in London not this street , it’s the gentleman’s club little name for the transactions to help keep it discreet. He didn’t want to show me the statement as wasn’t sure if work it out even know it didn’t say directly the club. As to causing a big fuss about showing me . The £50 was probably to give the girls cash . Makes perfect sense now

OP posts:
Lolared · 07/01/2024 16:50

NoTouch · 07/01/2024 16:49

The OP's life has just be turned upside down and she is in pieces, she is someone who has obviously been in an unhealthy relationship where she has been so put down with negative comments she is questioning herself and her self esteem is low.

To be so unaware of the context of the thread to start critising, of all things, their fucking grammar is mind blowingly inappropriate and they should be ashamed of themselves for that post and so should you for trying to make out that could in any way be ok.

Edited

Thank you

OP posts:
Offcom · 07/01/2024 16:52

Hate men calling women “mad” in these situations, I know it’s not the worst bit of what’s happened but says so much about his attitude

CinnamonCoffee · 07/01/2024 16:53

People are aware of dyslexia right? This constant need to correct people on here is beyond shite!!

soupandcrackers · 07/01/2024 16:54

I do like the Singer Tavern.

But he sounds like an arse. Good for you by kicking him out! He doesn't even respect his kids, let alone you.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 07/01/2024 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

From your response why does she not sound great to you?

Lolared · 07/01/2024 16:55

ttcat37 · 07/01/2024 16:34

Was she nasty though? I think she was really polite actually. The OP said thanks. If people don’t realise they’re making a mistake then they can’t correct it. Nobody was being a dick about it.

the comment about the grammar hasn’t really bothered me tbh I’m aware of it and I knew something would probably be said . I really appreciate the people mentioning it though , thank you all

OP posts:
mottytotty · 07/01/2024 16:55

NoTouch · 07/01/2024 16:49

The OP's life has just be turned upside down and she is in pieces, she is someone who has obviously been in an unhealthy relationship where she has been so put down with negative comments she is questioning herself and her self esteem is low.

To be so unaware of the context of the thread to start critising, of all things, their fucking grammar is mind blowingly inappropriate and they should be ashamed of themselves for that post and so should you for trying to make out that could in any way be ok.

Edited

💯 agreed. Some people think they are God’s gift because they can spell, not taking into account things like dyslexia, ADHD etc. They don’t seem to get that it makes them look desperate and try hard, like a teacher’s pet.

NoTouch · 07/01/2024 16:56

Lolared · 07/01/2024 16:50

Thank you

Pretty sure my grammar wasn't great in that post either 😉

Hope you are getting some real life support, its been a tough weekend for you...

threelittlescones · 07/01/2024 16:57

Lolared · 07/01/2024 16:37

Really I didn’t even notice this I was just focusing on the singer taven at the bottom . Thanks so much!!

It's OK. I've just been lied to by multiple poor excuses of men in the past so I'm quite good at spotting it now. And of course they all get angry, defensive, make out you're the issue. Bonus points if they call you crazy or a stalker for figuring out their shite.

caringcarer · 07/01/2024 16:57

Sounds like he was at the strip joint, lovely. You acting like an unpaid childminder and him showing you no respect whatsoever. Don't take him back and tell him to look after his own kids. I'd have phoned the police if he damaged your door. I'd have pressed charges for criminal damage too. You'll be better off without him. Raise your bar.

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 16:58

Carpediemmakeitcount · 07/01/2024 16:54

From your response why does she not sound great to you?

Because OP is clearly more intelligent, quick thinking and resourceful than they could ever be. And someone being all that and typing ‘he’s’ instead of ‘his’ fucks up all the pre-conceived notions in their head to such an extent that they have to bring her down in any way they can.

Lolared · 07/01/2024 16:58

Britneyfan · 07/01/2024 16:45

It really doesn’t matter if he was telling the truth about his location (I very much suspect he was not). This man has a drinking problem, doesn’t respect you enough to take your calls, has friends who are abusive to you, doesn’t pick up his own child on time because he’s been out drinking, doesn’t look after his own kids and leaves it to you because he’s hungover, calls you names, accuses you of being “mad”, and kicks your door in after an argument. I think you’re well off out of it and you’ve absolutely done the right thing.

But I would really encourage you to report the door kicking incident to police as domestic abuse, this is really not ok, and it will mean there is a record on file of you reporting this close to the time it happened if he comes back to cause you more problems in future, which will give you more options for dealing with his abuse.

It was very kind of you to look after his children when he was not fit to do it, and to be thoughtful enough to have the discussion with him which was likely to escalate, when they were safely home with their mum.

Don’t worry about grammar at a time like this. Just look after yourself.

Thank you so much

OP posts: