Why are so many kids STILL taking the father's name?

[LefthandRight]

Is this some kind of feminist blind spot? Most kids still get the dads name and I see women saying "it was just easier", "double barrelling was a mouthful", "I don't mind". You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name so she has a different name to her kids but "it's no big deal" and it's like... So it's no big deal for the woman but apparently its a huge big deal for the man?

It really makes me angry because I just can't believe women have to go through the effort and intrusiveness/pain of childbirth only to have that ownership "label" whipped off them, it feels unfair

DT’s have a double barrelled surname. I kept my own. Their surname is long, complicated to spell and not English. It was important to DH and I that they had both our surnames. They are now in their early 20’s - totally up to them what they and any future generations use as a surname.

Modern feminism DOES value an individual's freedom to choose. Whether that originated in the 20th, 21st or any other century isn't really relevant. It's still a concept that feminism in 2024 values.

They wouldn't cope with childbirth either! Have you seen them when they get a cold?

I do agree that children should have the same name as their mothers. I also don’t think that women should have to change their last name at marriage. I think they should change it so that it’s just as easy for a man to change his last name at marriage (without using deed poll). My son has my husband’s name because it’s also my name. I chose to change my last name when we got married because I genuinely wanted to. I had my father’s name before. I won’t get into it but I don’t have a good relationship with him at all and I didn’t want to be associated with him for the rest of my life. If we weren’t married our son would have my name.

You don't have to get it its nothing to do with you.

@WandaWonder I’m not sure where I implied that men are terrible! I just think most couples are much better off being married, and I don’t think men that haven’t married the mother of their child should get the privilege of having solely their last name on the birth certificate of said child. If more women stood firm on this then less would be dealing with raising a child with a man still dragging his feet on the much longed for marriage (a few of my friends are in this position). Giving your child the last name of your partner lets him basically play act at being your husband while taking on none of the responsibility.

What is actually so terrible about a child having their fathers surname? Children have 2 parents, if the mum wants their child to have their fathers name… why is that so awful? I was happy to take DHs name, it was my choice because I wanted us to share a name and I got bullied for my surname in school. We aren’t together anymore but my married surname is still MY name. I don’t have any regrets. Your issues with names don’t bother everyone.

I took my husband's name as I was fed up to the back teeth of my 'foreign' sounding surname inviting comments and harassment.

It was a relief.

And didn't want the same for our children.

Surely it all depends on personal circumstances?

Ex refused to sign birth certificate so DC has mine. I was happy for DC to have both our names one as a middle one as a surname despite him leaving when I was pregnant. His refusal to show up for the birth then the signing of the certificate just sold it that he was never prepared to step up.

my sisters DC has both their fathers names but the DC don’t want those names and wish to change. Dads are refusing. They are known by their mothers name though.

I know a white lady who has mixed race children (the dad is black) and no one believes they’re her kids and she must’ve adopted them. so the idea that everyone knows you’re the mother is bollocks.

It also does happen the other way with black women having lighter skin tones babies and no one believing they’re the mother to a white appearing baby.

I know a couple that decided upon marriage they’d pick an entirely new surname to start a new family line disentangled from their respective shitshow families. I do really love this idea and it’s part of why I changed my own name, to distance myself from horrendous family.

there really should be more discussion around surnames and why it’s seen as the right thing to do to take the man’s name when there’s lots of other options that are still perfectly reasonable and still build strong families.

Yes I agree - double-barrelled my kids names.

My partner was completely fine with it - we weren't married when we had them so it seemed fairest and now we have married we have both decided to double barrel so whole family shares the same name.

Interestingly, I could tell my MIL hated it. She bit her tongue mostly but we had a couple of sly comments. It annoyed me because why should my name and family have been excluded, given I didn't already share a name with their dad at the time and I'd done all the work giving birth!

Also, my partner's surname is his father's, who she has been divorced from for many years and can't stand! Weird.

This ^

This thread has got me thinking about some couples we know who insisted on a double barrel for feminist reasons (which they were vocal about) but who actually have a relationship which doesn’t reflect their feminist ideals. So it seemed quite performative in these instances in my mind.

Genuinely surprised by the vehemence on this thread. I think a lot of defensiveness from people lashing out at OP.

I changed my name the first time I married, and remember an older, wiser woman questioning me about why. I was quite surprised. Must admit that with hindsight, I can admit I thought taking on Mrs Hisname sounded more grownup and "proper".

When I divorced him I anguished for a couple of years about surnames. Didn't want "his" (we had no children and it really was "his"), didn't want to go back to my maiden name (and if you've not thought through the connotations of that descriptor, do it) as it was my dad's and no longer "mine".

So I took my middle name as my surname.

EG: from Jane Elizabeth Hisname to just Ms Jane Elizabeth.

When I married again, I stayed as Ms Elizabeth, and we double barrelled DC despite it being long/weird/posh/common/unwieldy/half a girl's name/whatever. It was the only thing that seemed fair, and I wouldn't have been marrying a man who disagreed. If DC marries a double barrel down the line, they can figure it out for themselves. No big deal.

Which is brilliant, because when I divorced this time I didn't need to fuck around with worrying about my name again. I guess I've spent longer than most people thinking about names, ownership and patriarchal "norms". My name seems very unusual to most people, because it's MINE.

These posts always confuse me!!
If YOU want your DC to have your name, rather than their DF name, that's fine, that's your choice.
if another woman wants to give her DC their fathers name that is also fine, thats what they choose.
What you do, what others do Is noone else's business and ridiculing/belittling each other for personal choices is mad.

As long as noone is pressured into making a choice against their wishes, nowt to do with anyone.else.
Personally I don't see OUR kids as MY possession so not something I can get annoyed about!

I kept my own surname.

My children's dad has a surname at the start of the alphabet (mine is nearer the end). There is lots of research out there that suggests that is advantageous.

It is also much easier to spell (mine is spelt wrong 95%+ of the time as there are many other common variants).

Attractiveness-wise, they were similar as they actually sound similar (this meant they sounded ridiculous double barrelled: Think Cooper-Whooper kind of sound).

We did think about both our mother's surnames too but there were various complicated (some quite dark) reasons why they were not good choices.

So we went for mine as a middle name and his as a surname. It made sense to us and I don't really feel it is anyone else's choice but ours and I don't think it makes me less of a feminist.

I put a lot of thought into surnames for my dc. I never wanted to change my name on marriage but decided to give them dp's name because I thought we would get married and I would double-barrel so we would all share that way.

Unfortunately, we are not married and I do regret my decision. If I could go back, I'd make sure they had both names, not necessarily double-barrelled, but both included somehow.

I think what OP is hoping for here is to see more of a balance. If out in the world we saw a much more 50/50 approach to surname giving and taking, then I doubt OP would have felt compelled to make a post like this.

While I agree (and have said) that I do not think children’s names should always be the mothers anymore than they should be the fathers, when you have a society that is making a ‘choice’ 90% of the time, it’s important to consider exactly why that choice is being made.

I have my dad's surname, I wouldn't take my mums as I'd prefer we weren't related. I don't like my surname as I have wasted a lot of time spelling it out and no one ever pronounces it right. I'll keep it though as I'd rather have a name which connects me to my dad who I loved and my sister who has the same name. My DD has my partners name, its much simpler and I know she will never have to spell it therefore leaving her with more time to deal with the many other issues she will face as a woman.

I did think about it myself as did my friends. I couldn’t double barrel as both names are crazy long and it sounded mad.
i don’t think my dh would have had an issue if I’d pushed for my surname. I just didn’t. I didn’t see the huge deal. I just wanted us to have one surname for ease of passports etc and wasn’t as concerned who’s that was.
I have more annoyance with the demarcation between ms, miss and mrs tbh where men have none

I argued and argued but it was easier to give in. DH chose all of DS's names. I had a really difficult and stressful pregnancy, birth and first few months. It was a fight I just didn't have the strength for.

It really really doesn't matter. The surname will become the children surname. Unless one parent turn out to be really shit or one name is horrible, the children really don't care that their surname is their mum's or dad's. It's THEIR surname.

My kids have their dad's surname even though as it turned out, he is very little in their lives now. It's still their surname and the one they identify with. It's also not just his surname but that of their wider family who they are close to. Of course, as adults, they could change it if for some reason they didn't want it any longer.

It's such a self centered view to debate/argue about it.

Oh FFS

Not everyone THINKS like you or HAS to THINK like You!

Because you get married, you take your husband's name and so do the children.
But I'm in my seventies so probably out of touch.
I don't see the problem.