Why are so many kids STILL taking the father's name?

[LefthandRight]

Is this some kind of feminist blind spot? Most kids still get the dads name and I see women saying "it was just easier", "double barrelling was a mouthful", "I don't mind". You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name so she has a different name to her kids but "it's no big deal" and it's like... So it's no big deal for the woman but apparently its a huge big deal for the man?

It really makes me angry because I just can't believe women have to go through the effort and intrusiveness/pain of childbirth only to have that ownership "label" whipped off them, it feels unfair

A bit off topic, but something I wondered when considering a double barrelled name for DC.

If you have a double barrelled name, and have a child with someone with a double barrelled name, do you give your child a quadruple barrelled name, or start dropping names. Then you're stuck with the same initial dilemma over which names to drop 🤔

My child was given my last name, even though I was with his dad. It was something that just felt right to me...he had come from my womb, I had carried him and was feeding and nurturing him, as a tiny baby he felt a part of me, so why should he not get my last name.

This was my ideal. Ex wouldn't have it. They have both our surnames. I just use mine when booking casual things with them (clubs, tickets) and only use their full names for school / doctor.

I think in situations where the couple is unmarried but the woman is hanging out for a proposal, it’s kind of a way to make her feel closer to being married. It’s a strategic error on her part though as she’s much better off putting her foot down and saying “my last name unless we get down to the registry office and are wed before the birth”. 😉

I'm not the one. who started a thread ..

Agree with this.

The patriarchy is well and truly live and kicking in the marriage of my parents in law but it’s not in their culture to take the husband’s name. The woman keeps hers and matronymic names are quite common - despite me frequently raising my eyebrows at the blatant power imbalance between my in-laws - so I don’t think it’s always consistent that transmission of the mother’s name is some sort of feminist statement in my experience. So I don’t really overthink it. Each to their own I say.

*Perhaps some women don’t see it as an ownership label and don’t attach meaning to it in the way you do.

A woman shouldn’t feel coerced into making a choice they do not subscribe to simply because ‘feminism’. Aim your anger at men who pressure their partners into it or at women who want to make that choice for their children but don’t*

Totally agree with this. My children have my DP’s surname because that was my choice to make. I don’t see it as any disrespect to me! I prefer his surname too.

Why did you change your surname so that you wouldn't have your father's name?

It seems like your bitterness and unhappiness over your relationship with your father is hugely colouring your opinion on this subject and for some reason you're taking your anger out on other women.

Relationships should not be about ownership or control.

I regret this so much - I was pressured into it with the promise of marriage, although I don't think I wanted to change my name then to be fair. My ex was abusive and quite insistent.

I would advise all women to double barrel or keep their own name now.

Oh for goodness sake! The amount of assumptions you are making about us poor, helpless women is embarrassing.

"You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name"

wow these bad feminists!!! have a lot to learn from you, a stranger on the internet!!

I guess the only way to have a surname that belongs to you is to opt out of family-based surnames and just make them up. But you’d have to change your name to the made-up one too otherwise OP would think no-one owned the children 🙄

If men are so terrible why on earth are women so desperate to marry them or even have children with them?

Which is absolutely fine as long as you don't berate other women for not choosing to, make the same choice as you unlike the Op.

And my father´s name became my name.
Just like my first name (after my great-grandmother) became mine when my parents named me.

And if I do end up taking my SO´s name it will become mine (or my name would become his, if he were to take mine).

Totally agree. Mine have mine. But I only know of one other child who has their mother's surname.
I'm constantly surprised that there is so little shift on this.

Men can't help biology, I'm sure if they could give birth and free some of us women of that burden they might

Are you serious? Time after time, day after day all you read about on here is men that hardly do the washing up or "help" look after their own offspring, don't kid yourself for a second that they would ever wreck their bodies by carrying and giving birth to children that they can hardly read a bedtime story to!

I think for most men it’s kind of part of the deal.

they see it as “if I am giving my life to you and all that goes with it, the wedding, the home together, children etc” then the absolute least they expect is for their kids to have their name.

In a lot of cases they don’t get much else out of the whole thing.

You can do whatever you like! I did know someone with a triple barrel surname AND another surname as a middle name. It worked perfectly fine for him.

My son has his father’s surname as a middle name and our double barrelled name as his surname.

Why hasn't the world changed? Why are people still committing crimes? Why do we still have war? Why hasn't everyone cottoned on the fact that eating a balanced diet, drinking enough water and exercise and getting minimum 8 hours sleep are best and just get on and do it? Why do people still practice religion even though it's oppressive? Why do people still have different views to each other?

And if they don't want too?

Aren’t you amazing and your family not amazing? Aren’t you proud of yourself and them?
why are they getting DH’s name? Dont get it.

YANBU OP

Alternative perspective:

I was born under 1 name, adopted under another. Married. Divorced. Reverted. Remarried.

I have had four surnames but I’ve never felt different under any one name. What’s in a name? Really, nothing.

We aren't married and my kids have my partner's name. His name is 4 letters and they will never have to spell it, mine they would have to spell out constantly.

I intend to marry their dad and take his name at some point, I really really don't see the big deal.

My partner didn't care either btw. It was me that wanted them to have his name

Well you did have a choice, and the choice you made was to let him control you because he got angry, rather than have a civilised discussion where both your points of view were taken on board and a decision made together.