Why are so many kids STILL taking the father's name?

[LefthandRight]

Is this some kind of feminist blind spot? Most kids still get the dads name and I see women saying "it was just easier", "double barrelling was a mouthful", "I don't mind". You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name so she has a different name to her kids but "it's no big deal" and it's like... So it's no big deal for the woman but apparently its a huge big deal for the man?

It really makes me angry because I just can't believe women have to go through the effort and intrusiveness/pain of childbirth only to have that ownership "label" whipped off them, it feels unfair

But I've never said I thought feminism should be about choice

I think you’ll find you did 20th century feminism was about getting us choice. That was only seven minutes ago.

@LefthandRight I can only speak for myself, and I am someone who knew from being a teen that I'd never take another man's name even if I did get married.

I have a fantastic surname, but so does my DS's dad. Giving him his dad's surname was just a way of sharing with him something that up to that point (pregnancy and birth) felt all about me. I was acknowledging that having a child was something we planned together. He wasn't bothered either way.

If his dad had a shit surname I wouldn't have made the same decision. And if we'd followed DS with a girl she would have had my (fantastic) surname.

We aren't together but now co-parent really well. I'm glad he has his dad's name because in a way I feel it keeps us close.

Giving him his dad's surname was just a way of sharing with him something that up to that point (pregnancy and birth) felt all about me.

This

We started by our DD having my surname. Had our child been a boy, he would have his father's surname, and so on for any subsequent children.

The bottom line was my name not disappearing.

The way it works in lusophone/hispanic countries is that the parents keep their own surnames and give one of each name to their children. E.g. the children or Mr Taylor Jones and Ms Hamilton Smith would be Children Taylor Hamilton.

Historically in those countries, the fathers' name has been the one that gets passed on to further generations (e.g. grandchildren) hence why another poster upthread suggested that this was just "kicking the can down the road" because the mothers name gets phased out eventually. There is no rule though, and in Spain for example some younger parents are now choosing to pass on their maternal line.

Crucially, in those countries women don't ever change their names when they get married, so their surname remains their "own" and half of their children's no matter what. Makes it more straightforward in some ways because there are no questions over which names children will have based on the marital status of their parents.

A friend of mine took his wife's surname - a common British name that everyone can pronounce and spell. His previous name was Polish (from his grandfather) - very long, difficult to pronounce and even harder to spell. He just got fed up with people constantly getting it wrong.

I also know someone whose first name and surname are the same apart from an 's' on the surname - acquired on marriage. She gets a lot of comments.

Men do not have to go through Deed Poll to change their names.

You definitely did when we got married 16 years ago. I've had a look online as well and the deed poll website and it looks to not have changed in that time https://www.ukdp.co.uk/taking-surname-of-wife/#:~:text=When%20a%20woman%20takes%20her%20husbands%20surname%2C%20only%20a%20copy,without%20any%20problems%20or%20delays.

@LefthandRight

No shit. 20th century feminism was about getting us choice and we should be thankful for that. The 21st century should build on it.

You want to build on women having choice by... taking choice away from them?

My child has my husband's name. Because I want it that way. Wind your neck in.

I think this says it all for me.

women are proud to take on their husbands name and show they are a family unit.

men are embarrassed.

This is why it isn’t a “choice”. Men can’t make that choice without losing status in our society, which leaves women “choosing” the only other option.

so it’s not a choice, for men or women.

Good point.

so it’s not a choice, for men or women.

Well not in your opinion.

Of course it’s a choice. It just requires men to tell society to fuck off.

It's a valid question, but you won't answer it. Got it.

I like that my family all have the same name. If you don’t want to; that’s absolutely your choice. But my choice has absolutely nothing to do with you.

She hasn’t told anyone what they should do.

Yes, giving baby the dad’s name is a choice, but it’s not necessarily a feminist choice, especially in a world where doing this is the norm and a women feels compelled to protect the man from embarrassment from his male peers by sublimating her own identity in order to elevate the male’s ego.

Just as women getting breast implants or doing sex work is nominally their choice, but many feminists would not see it as a feminist choice but as a woman conforming to patriarchal society’s demands on women.

Yes, giving baby the dad’s name is a choice, but it’s not necessarily a feminist choice, especially in a world where doing this is the norm and a women feels compelled to protect the man from embarrassment from his male peers by sublimating her own identity in order to elevate the male’s ego.

Are you saying this is the default " why women do this " now? Thats very presumptuous.

I'm a feminist and I chose that my kids have their father's name. You might not call it a feminist choice but I'd disagree tbh.

She hasn’t told anyone what they should do.

What do you call this then? 20th century feminism was about getting us choice and we should be thankful for that. The 21st century should build on it.

I think there is hetero-normative pressure on women to conform to the norm and use husband’s name.

Whereas the norm for same sex couples is to double-barrel their names.

I think there is hetero-normative pressure on women to conform to the norm and use husband’s name.

Agree. That's the default pressure.

But you can still think OK that's fits with what I'd like anyway ( see my reasons as explained previously ) so that's what we'll do.

You don't have to buck the hero -normative pressure just for the sake of it. Not if the end outcome works for you anyway.

I don’t see any instructions in that post.

Maybe she means 21st century feminism is about asking women to analyse if their choices are totally freely made or if those choices have been made with outside influences (OnlyFans, breast implants, etc)

It can be challenging for Icelandic people when travelling. Children usually don't have either of their parents' surnames but are known as son or daughter of their father or mother eg Jon Andersson's male child will be Magnus Jonsson; his daughter will be Gudrun Jonsdottir. If the parents decide that the girl will take her mother's first name, you could end up with four different surnames eg the parents Jon Andersson and Karin Stefansdottir; their children Magnus Jonsson and Gudrun Karinsdottir. Can present problems at immigration.

Yes, agreed, women can do that. But if they’re feminists they may also want to analyse whether their choice furthers feminism or not.

Yes, agreed, women can do that. But if they’re feminists they may also want to analyse whether their choice furthers feminism or not.

This is def not the hill I'd die on for feminism.