Why are so many kids STILL taking the father's name?

[LefthandRight]

Is this some kind of feminist blind spot? Most kids still get the dads name and I see women saying "it was just easier", "double barrelling was a mouthful", "I don't mind". You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name so she has a different name to her kids but "it's no big deal" and it's like... So it's no big deal for the woman but apparently its a huge big deal for the man?

It really makes me angry because I just can't believe women have to go through the effort and intrusiveness/pain of childbirth only to have that ownership "label" whipped off them, it feels unfair

You think women should own their children?

Nice 🙄

My kids have the same surname as me and my husband, it's his name because it's easier to spell and pronounce than my original surname.
My brothers family including him have his wife's name for the same reason. No point making life harder for kids for the sake of tradition or making a point.

I know two men who changed to their wives surname on marriage. It does happen.

Both had names which had caused them ridicule growing up and they didn’t want to pass that down to any children.

i hated changing my surname. My DH is a lovely man and would have been sad if we didn’t have the same name. He didn’t get on with my father, so that wasn’t an option. I felt caught between them and took ages to change my name on official documents. It’s a sadness for me but just one of life’s compromises. I am happy that as a family unit, we all share the same name. I don’t see myself as being weak etc, just pragmatic.

Bit harsh. Do you have no time for critical thinking? Do you blindly just accept things?

I am not saying op is correct. It is food for thought though. Other people have said why they think she is right or wrong.

Nope he doesn't. He didn't at the time either. He's just capable of understanding that all this bleating about becoming a family, making a man feel he is part of the united family, that men's surnames are not always nicer than women's surname.

We've been married for 33 years.

Children aren’t possessions. You don’t own them.

deary me.

Why the fuck should my mother determine my child's name? Why does her ownership (and yes, she saw the name as ownership) trump everything else?

Historically it was about ownership, in the same way marriage was- a way to keep track of which woman and child (and therefore money) belonged to each man.

Most people still follow the tradition because, well, most people are quite traditional when it comes down to it. The patriarchy is alive and well, and many men are especially comfortable with the status quo.

My wife wanted rid of her ‘maiden’ name because it is awful and she is estranged from her family, I wanted to keep mine because I like it and it’s very regionally bound (all of us with it in this district are related)… so we double barrelled mine with a name that has meaning to her and both took that name and gave it to our children.

Did it without thinking 20 years ago. If I were doing it today, I’d do differently.

Yes, so many women with ugly names, difficult names, loaded names. It's crazy how many men don't feel the same way about their names.

I changed my surname so I wouldn't have my father's name by the way. You can do it by deed poll, its really easy. You don't have to wait for a different man to swoop in and rename you.

I think it sounds better because it does!
My previous name was spelled very like another much more common name, and I constantly had to inform people what my name actually was.

'I sent you an e-mail'
'Oh, I didn't get it'
'Hmmm, I sent it to xxx@[slightly wrong but more popular version of name].co.uk'
'Ah right, my name is actually [correct version of name], as I pointed out when I wrote it down for you'.
Looks at piece of paper under pile of other stuff on desk...
'Oh yeah, why is your name spelled differently?'
'It's a different name!'
Repeat and recycle!

Here is an argument why op maybe correct.

If he loat his shit at double barrelling then I would have stayed with my name.

Then he proves his true self! What an ass.

I took my husband’s name when I married, simply because I wanted to. It is indeed optional, and the changing/giving of names isn’t something I care enough about to take any sort of stand on.

As far as ‘nonsense about feminism being about choice’ - what, as opposed to changing one set of diktats for another? You can’t really win on this one if you deviate from the radfem line:
’I’m a feminist because I believe women should have a choice’
’that’s a bad choice to make, you can’t call yourself a feminist and make that choice! You’re not a feminist!’
’okay, then I won’t call myself a feminist then’
’how can you not be a feminist? Handmaiden! Cool girl!’

You do.you 🙄

This is me and my family. Kids have DH surname and I kept my own. There was no pressure from DH whatsoever. His surname is stronger so was happy for kids to have it. I never wanted to change my own name however. Makes zero difference to us as a family to have differing last names.

My name WAS a pain though.
My husband's isn't.
I was happy to be rid of the faff with the old name, and also not inflict it on my child.
Stop telling people why they did something!

It's only a cultural norm because women traditionally married and took the man's name before having children. I think it is a bit of a blind spot, because in actual fact, traditionally the child always took the mother's name, it just happened to often be the man's name too because she was usually married and had taken his name prior to having children.

I stubbornly believe that if a man refuses to commit to marriage, and won't give his partner all the attached legal protections of it (which are arguably important because of the impact having children has on a woman's finances and career), then he doesn't get the benefits that stemmed originally from being married either i.e. the child(ren) having his name.

The patriarchy has a habit of twisting feminism so that men benefit from it, this is an example of that.

It was never a cultural norm in some other countries and thankfully changing here too.

It absolutely won't stop men having sex though lol.

I think the legal default should be that children take the name their mother uses whether she is married or not.

If she doesn't want to give the child the name she has then she can marry and take her husbands name before the birth or change her name.

I think it would help avoid a situation where unmarried mothers are pressured to give the child the father's name on the promise of marriage before he buggers off and leaves them. It is difficult to raise a child alone when you don't share a surname and it's virtually impossible to change a child's name if the absent parent with PR doesn't agree.

Well.exactly I thought Feminism was about having the freedom to choose not about only making the choices other " Feminists " think you should make

Exactly. My children have my husband’s surname which is also my surname. We’re perfectly happy with this. No, he has never acted as if he owns me and neither does he misuse his male privilege with us . Save your anger for those who have been coerced into the situation

I do agree with you - there are double barrelled surnames in my extended family. However my surname is part of some quite well known posh people’s surnames (or at least were well known when DS was born). Hence the more ‘posh’ association in this case

If you believe that choosing a child’s surname is about ownership, surely it’s not hard to imagine why unmarried women might want their child to have their fathers name. They already know they are fiercely dedicated to their baby but without the legal protection of marriage there could easily be some doubt about the long term commitment of the father. By choosing to give the child his name, it’s like confirming his identity as a father and all the responsibility that comes with that, giving him extra reason to stick around for that child because he feels more connected.

I don’t think my DCs’ surname is an ownership label, what a strange way of viewing it. They wouldn’t belong to me any less if I gave them a random surname.

And my surname is my dad’s surname anyway so it’s hardly any more feminist.