Why are so many kids STILL taking the father's name?

[LefthandRight]

Is this some kind of feminist blind spot? Most kids still get the dads name and I see women saying "it was just easier", "double barrelling was a mouthful", "I don't mind". You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name so she has a different name to her kids but "it's no big deal" and it's like... So it's no big deal for the woman but apparently its a huge big deal for the man?

It really makes me angry because I just can't believe women have to go through the effort and intrusiveness/pain of childbirth only to have that ownership "label" whipped off them, it feels unfair

Why? That’s quite specific. Also I’ve known 2 people who had double barrel last names and they only used the first of the 2 names, so I’m surprised you are specific about the women’s name being last.

I took my husband's surname when I married him, our son (who passed away) has his name and any other children we have will have his name.
It was the right choice for me. It doesn't make me his property.

As I explained earlier, it was a deliberate decision on my part. DP left it entirely up to me, as the person who carried and birthed them. And I chose to give them his surname, as a gift to him and yes, a public statement of his status as parent. I didn't need that statement.

Actually maybe it should just be the musicality of the name that dictates which goes first or last

So do you think it’s wrong I’d the woman gives the kids just her name?

No, I think it makes way more sense than only giving the father's name

I never said you didn’t make a choice, Tea . We all make choices.

I’m saying that people need to consider whether the choices they’ve made are pro-active or made to fit in with society.

It’s you who have tried to twist my words into me saying you should have changed your name by deed poll!

Anyway, you acknowledged there is societal pressure, so we are agreed in that respect.

I was married year before we had children and i took his name at the time

but if i wasn’t married there would be no way the children would have his name

Hummm....no.
No one owns me.
No one owes anyone.

The OP originally challenged my not changing my name by deed pole, and you picked up on me waiting until marriage instead. I explained I did make a choice, and you argued I’d still given into pressure instead. The OP said she doesn’t believe for a second I made an informed choice.

I agree with you @LefthandRight. We agreed that girls would have my name and boys DHs, and then I had boys. Looking back it was a stupid decision, that seemed small but now feels bigger, and I'm sad that my name doesn't feature. At the time I felt that as I didn't have the same name as one of my parents, and never minded it at all, it wouldn't be an issue for me, but in hindsight it was short sighted.

We couldn't double barrel (genuinely) as it would give them a dreadful, cartoonish, incredibly long surname.

My kids all have important family names from my side in their names, but it doesn't make up for it.

Agree with this!

The majority of women still take DHs name on marriage and this is because of patriarchal tradition. I think it’s okay to admit that you just followed tradition and didn’t really think it through. No need to feel defensive or attacked by it, it is what it is.

I think unmarried women should think extra hard about giving their child the father’s surname though, as you’re kind of giving the guy a privilege of marriage (passing on your name to children) for none of the responsibility.

I do understand a PPs point about wanting to signify through using his name that the dad is part of the child’s life, and I can see how women might want to do it if they’re anxious about the father sticking around and hope that by giving the child his name he is more likely to, so I couldn’t judge any woman for trying to facilitate a father child relationship in that way - even though it’s sad if they feel they have to.

So the only informed choice is to agree with you?

My DH didn’t mind and let me chose. I chose his name because it’s English and short. I have a long, complicated foreign name and I thought life in England would be easier for my kids with an English surname. It was entirely my choice. My surname is their middle name.

He ‘let you choose’?

THIS
women give me more grieve than women do, sticking their ore in and telling me I'm wrong.
We have the choice.
We have the vote
We have 'fill in the blanks'
It's not like the old days.
My grandma born 1906 had ti give up her teaching job when she married.
That would be a problem
It's not like that anymore.

@ImCamembertTheBigCheese

So the only informed choice is to agree with you?

Ha, exactly.

My daughter has both mine and exes surname. I made that mistake when registering her I asked the registrar what way round I should do it so that mine is the main one used day to day, she told me to put my first, as easier to drop the last one. Instantly found out that wasn’t true when everyone was only calling DD under his surname. Literally mine was never ever used. Even now no one uses it, if she has medical appointments I would go there and they would read her full name say it was “Sarah Smith Jones” and say so that’s “Sarah Jones then” I’ve even been called exes surname because they assume we both have the surname. Ive managed to get the school to use only mine so DD only knows herself as my surname and doesn’t know the other name so I’ve tried to change it and everyone has told me I’m wrong and selfish to change it! DDs father isn’t involved and doesn’t have any contact and hasn’t for most of her life yet I’m wrong and selfish to want to change her name to just mine. I didn’t intend for her to only have his mine is not being used, I’ve since been told it appears as a middle name when written down (it’s definitely not a middle name)

I kept my surname, DH kept his and the kids are double barrelled. No issues at all so far.

How depressing that women on this thread feel the need to justify themselves and their decisions. It's like being preached at and judged idiots.

FWIW, my DD has my (deceased) DM's name as a first name. She has her DF's name as a surname.

I have my DH's name as a surname because I have been married before and I didn't want to have my first husband's surname while my DH and DD shared their surname.

I resent feeling judged by other women.

And some of the posts on this thread have a bullying tone.

I agree now, even though I was one of the (married) women who did this. Let kids have exh’s name only even though I kept mine. Thought it “didn’t matter” - but then why is it so one sided?

Annoyingly although exh was so against double barrelling at the time, his young kids with his now DP have double barrelled. And it’s more of a mouthful with her name than mine. Either attitudes have moved on in 10-15 years or I was a pushover! (Probably the latter tbh)

But in my case I didn’t like my maiden name, and didn’t want to pass it onto my children. I got
picked on in school for my surname (wasnt allowed to change my name by deed pole while at school, mums rules), and i didn’t want to pass that on to my kids. I did want the same surname as my kids though. I could have plucked one of of thin air, it’s a nice idea but that’s not what I wanted to do and DHs surname is a perfectly normal surname. But apparently because you don’t like my debate style, that’s a lie and I didn’t make an informed decision. And before you say ‘oh I didn’t call you a liar’, it’s implied by me saying my point and you saying you don’t believe me for a second.

Why on earth should he resent her for life? For what reason?

The reason this thread is so contentious is because there are too many instances of women disparaging other women’s choices – including OP herself, as while I deeply understand her point, it’s difficult to condone the aggression.

Someone can raise someone’s consciousness about an issue without insinuating (or outright saying) that they are stupid, uneducated, a doormat, or that their husband is a misogynist. Someone is far more likely to be receptive of the broadening of their horizons if it is done without malice.

A woman may well have opted for her husband’s name because it was ‘easy’, because he insisted on it or because she feared backlash from others. But it hardly seems productive to make progress with aggressive oneupmanship.