Why are so many kids STILL taking the father's name?

[LefthandRight]

Is this some kind of feminist blind spot? Most kids still get the dads name and I see women saying "it was just easier", "double barrelling was a mouthful", "I don't mind". You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name so she has a different name to her kids but "it's no big deal" and it's like... So it's no big deal for the woman but apparently its a huge big deal for the man?

It really makes me angry because I just can't believe women have to go through the effort and intrusiveness/pain of childbirth only to have that ownership "label" whipped off them, it feels unfair

90% of the time it is the correct assumption. You and your family are the minority. In my line of work anyway!

No one chooses to be Mrs Bottom or Mrs Death. They resign themselves to it. This is a fact.

I had an English teacher whose name was Mrs Death. Of course, there was an apostrophe, ’De’Ath’ but we always called her Mrs Death 😆

My friend had a beautiful Cornish surname, her boyfriend was Grimes. She took his name and now has 4 kids saddled with that bloody awful name too. Bonkers.

It's just a label - something they can be identified by in society, bureaucracy etc. My husband doesn't think he owns our (now grown up) children any more then I do. He never did and nor did I. And whose surname we chose - yes, it was something that was thought about and debated 40 years ago, it's not a new thing - has no significance to anyone but us and them.

I prefer DH's surname to mine. Is that ok? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I actually totally agree with you even though my son has my partners’ last name! I decided to use his because no one can seem to manage to pronounce my last name, and my partners’ went better with his first name.

I didn’t say there wasnt, I said that I made my choice feely and not under pressure and you disagreed with that. You said

You always disliked it but didn’t proactively do anything about it. You waited for marriage.

I’m not saying you did anything wrong, I’m saying you took actions to fit in with society, and that’s a form of pressure, however oblique.

Therefore implying I gave into pressure rather than being capable of my own choice, just as OP did because I waited for marriage rather than changing my name to a random one by deed pole which I didn’t want to do. There are various sides of the argument here, part of debating it is not every women just default agreeing. Me and DH are now divorcing and society dictates I go back to my maiden name and give him ‘his’ name back, but I’m not doing that because I like my name and my identity that I’ve had for 10+ years, im capable of making that decision without pressure from him or society too.

You’d be wrong, double-barrelled names amongst married couples has been around for centuries.

I must say I do think it's weird when a woman takes an awful surname on marriage. And they go from Henderson to Cockshuffle or whatever.

@tomatoontoast I’ve never known that to be true! And will be married with double barrel as well. Couldn’t give two hoots if someone assumed non married though.

And what in the debate 40 years ago convinced you to take his name?

Nailed it.

Whatever about the women who take on their husbands name and so that's the name the kids get.

What I find weird is when the mother hasn't taken the father's name, either because she chose to keep her own or because they aren't married, and those kids then get just the father's name.

All 3 of my kids had my surname. My eldest granddaughter has it too. No names from fathers for a few generations. Think it was only me in fact having my dad's name as my mother also had her mother's surname

My grandson has his father's name but my DD2 got married and chose to take her husbands name

It's interesting how many women are defensively saying they chose to take their DHs name. Of course on an individual case basis there will be occasions where women have made this choice and are very happy (and that should be supported). But... Take a step back and look at numbers across the country here in England. Men on the whole don't change their name, and children are more likely to have the male name. The patriarchy is still very much alive, and sometimes it's women themselves who are indirectly supporting it.

You said So why are you arguing that I didn’t make a choice? And suggesting I should have changed my name by deed pole even if I didn’t want to?

Neither of my statements you quoted says any of that!

But I do agree that you shouldn’t have to change your name back to your maiden name upon divorce.

Well exactly. But I think the PP is being honest. That is exactly how men feel about changing their name to a woman’s. To be now known by the woman’s name.

And conversely see it as their job to encompass the woman and children within their ‘family brand’.

If it was a corporate merger one brand would not obliterate the other. Hence, for example, PWC. Price Waterhouse merged and became Price Waterhouse Cooper, and then PWC.

I said I made a choice and you argued I didn’t and that I took actions to fit in with pressure, im not debating it any further when I’ve quoted that to you. Read back our conversation if you like, I don’t think we have anything further to discuss though because you are being obtuse.

We were married so we had the same surname and it didn’t bother me. I don’t see it as a label of ownership or anything like that. Mind you if we hadn’t been married it would have been awkward as I wasn’t using my maiden name anyway as still had my married name from my first marriage 🤣

I don't believe for a second you made an informed choice, had you done so you would be very understanding of the opposite argument and would debate your point in a more nuanced and less personal manner.

To be fair that means you do see it as a label of ownership then, because otherwise you’d have just seen your previous married name as your name, rather than it being awkward.

Ha ha
My kids all have dh!s name.
As do I
It makes us all feel like a family
Nobody owns anyone
We support each other and tell the other to 'sling their hook' as needed.

I’m not defensive, it was practical.

-DH didn’t want my surname, I understood this, particularly as it wasn’t an ethnic match to most
-I wanted the same name for the family

We discussed a new surname. He was up for it but we hit a block. There was no way of merging the names, too different and a weird mix. Double barrel or blending parts. We couldn’t think of an alternative with meaning to stick with.

I had not yet got a profession or qualifications, nor was I attached to mine particularly. One of those awkward to spell and I associated it with stress mainly.

You didn’t answer my question about what name you think I should have given my children?

Well isn't it?
Otherwise it's just about control.

Personally I think kids should be double barreled with the mothers name last.