Why are so many kids STILL taking the father's name?

[LefthandRight]

Is this some kind of feminist blind spot? Most kids still get the dads name and I see women saying "it was just easier", "double barrelling was a mouthful", "I don't mind". You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name so she has a different name to her kids but "it's no big deal" and it's like... So it's no big deal for the woman but apparently its a huge big deal for the man?

It really makes me angry because I just can't believe women have to go through the effort and intrusiveness/pain of childbirth only to have that ownership "label" whipped off them, it feels unfair

Can you quote where I said you didn’t make a choice? Or that you should have changed your name by deed poll even if you didn’t want to?

Are people saying what anyone ‘should’ do? Beyond give it some thought so that it is an informed / pro active decision rather than simply doing what is seen as the norm?

My (male) partner loves me, but I understand his feeling that taking my name if we marry would make him feel as if his own identity was being placed below mine. Despite the fact his name sounds pretty weird, is always misspelled and he didn’t have a particularly happy childhood or good relationship with his dad, who he got the name from.

I don’t doubt that that goes on in society. But actually some of us can make choices, and still choose what happens to be the cultural norm. If men start deciding they are all going to take women’s names now, we’d still just be going along with what men want by this logic. I can’t control what a man does or doesn’t want to do with his name, but I can choose for mine.

No one chooses to be Mrs Bottom or Mrs Death. They resign themselves to it. This is a fact.

Exactly, thanks TempleofBloom

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

My surname is actually my mother’s maiden name and despite a lot of cousins, I would be only one of two that would be carrying on the name - so I really really want to! My family has an amazing history and I want to pass that on. It is a privilege to pass on your name that lots of women seem to not realise/care that they’re giving away.

We double barrelled but it caused fights! Amazing that I had to argue just to have my name aswell. He wanted it to be only his name. Dickhead.

I didn't like my 'maiden' name and much preferred my DHs. I wouldn't have lumbered my DCs with it.
My maiden name also came from my paternal grandfather, who I didn't feel much of a connection too/didn't really like. If it had been my maternal grandfather's name I might have felt differently (I actually used his surname/mothers maiden name, as my DCs middle name, as it worked)
Most women's surnames come from their fathers side. So, unless they give themselves a whole new name, they can hardly claim giving their children their own name as a huge win for feminism. Usually, it's still the name that came from the men in their family.
I don't judge women for whichever surname they give their children. Nobody should.

But I gave it thought and chose DHs name, and according to posters in here that means I still gave into pressure from society and so didn’t make an informed choice. So it seems unless you are deciding to actively not take a man’s name, you aren’t making a free choice according to feminism on this thread. Which is what I’m taking issue with.

No one chooses to be Mrs Bottom or Mrs Death. They resign themselves to it. This is a fact.
"Resign" themselves to it. 🙄
Or they just want to take their husbands name when they get married.
Your use of the word resign is telling.
Not everyone sees it that way.

Well said Stolen

People take this very personally and get defensive.

There is a difference between your own personal decision, and the context of society as a whole.

It’s ok to recognise the context we live in (currently a patriarchal tradition) and still choose to change your name to your DH’s. But why try and deny the wider context, the default, the huge imbalance in numbers, the reluctance of many men to take their wife’s name, who resist the wife’s name as party of the child’s name etc?

My nephew got engaged at Christmas. Part of the conversation when we saw them was to ask his gf. ‘are you going to change your name?’. It’s no longer a given.

When o got married in 1995, no one asked this. It was the norm to take your husband’s name and of course, this is the name the children have.

I like to think if we were getting married today, we’d be discussing which name to use, if we wanted to share one at all. I’d still take his name though, my former surname was hideous.

This

I'm sure its been asked and answered (I've only read the OP's posts) but what happens when you are 2/3 generations down the double-barrelling path? Are we all supposed to have 6 / 8 surnames?

@LefthandRight Why is it so difficult for you to understand that some women have chosen, not under pressure or duress, to give their children their DF's surname? Your argument is valid but your inability to see that some people feel differently to you is frustrating.

Double barrelled surnames is the new indicator of children whose parents aren't married.

I thought for ages when I got married about which surname to use - my unmarried one was ok but not particularly nice, and DH's is much better. I wanted his name because I preferred it, but was worried that my feminist principles would be called into question 😂

It took a while but in the end I did think fuck it, and took his name. So then when we had DC it made sense for them to have the same as both me and DH. I wouldn't ever have changed by deed poll to a random name, my original one wasn't that bad, and it was better than my mum's unmarried name so that was never a likely option.

DH likes his name as much as I do, so he didn't want to change. I think he also felt he wanted the family name to continue, and our DC were the only way for that to happen, whereas I have several nieces and nephews who have my unmarried name.

I think if I had liked my name and kept it when I married, we would have given one child my surname and the other DH's. (Not really a fan of most double-barrelled names, although some do work well.) But we never had to think about that.

You did give it thought and made your choice.

That doesn’t negate the fact that huge numbers do not give it thought, or put up with aggro from family, or resistance from men… it’s about the wide context. Not all about you.

But it is harder to change the cultural pressure when only a small number of people buck the trend.

I am seeing that as the source of the OP’s frustration.

Why would taking your surname make him 'lesser'? That seems a little fragile on the masculinity front on the grounds that by the same logic, his surname stamps his identity on you. Obviously that may not be the reason but surely what's good for the goose, and all that.

So you acknowledge that there is societal pressure?

The point is that not everyone is strong enough like you to withstand it, which is why debates like help and make it less of a cultural norm.

I’m surprised how my of my friends who were educated older mums chose to give the children just their father’s surname. Even ones not in relationships with the father. It’s a lifetime of explaining at passport control, doctors, school etc that yes- these are your children.
One friend is always telling horror stories of passport control, yet she gave her children their father’s Rwandan surname whilst she has a very English surname. She’s forever not being spotted as ‘mum’ at swimming etc, blames it on race but ï honestly think the name difference is a huge factor.
Another has three children with three surnames. They never get to be the ‘xxxx’ family together and have that link (she’s a single mum) as a household. 1 of the dads has never seen his son.
I personally did take my husbands name on marriage, I was young enough that my degree certificates and professional qualifications would be in the new name so I made the practical decision that I wanted the same surname as children and I hadn’t yet done anything with my maiden name. If we’d been unmarried they would have had my name!

But you will often be wrong if you make that assumption.

I am married, my kids have both our names.

And I know many similar families.

Well that's a whole different thread but does it really matter if the parents are married or not? (as the child that is, I know the MN hive mind pour scorn on unmarried mothers for their lack of "protection" by being unmarried!!)

And maybe in 2045 it won’t even be a question again because whether a woman changes her name or not becomes irrelevant as she’s not pressured by society any longer.