Why are so many kids STILL taking the father's name?

[LefthandRight]

Is this some kind of feminist blind spot? Most kids still get the dads name and I see women saying "it was just easier", "double barrelling was a mouthful", "I don't mind". You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name so she has a different name to her kids but "it's no big deal" and it's like... So it's no big deal for the woman but apparently its a huge big deal for the man?

It really makes me angry because I just can't believe women have to go through the effort and intrusiveness/pain of childbirth only to have that ownership "label" whipped off them, it feels unfair

Totally get you all wanting the same surname. But it’s the default assumption by many that it should be the man’s name that’s weird.

Are families not a solid little unit unless they all have the same surname?

Because it sounds like a compromise, like you couldn’t agree which parents name they should have so settled in both/neither. I don’t assume it’s from unmarried or separated families, but I can see what PP is saying. I’m not a fan of double barrelled surnames but I also don’t really care what other people name their kids.

I hated my previous surname. I wouldn't have wanted them to have that. And as I had all boys, and they have married, the cousins now all have the same surname.
Each to their own. I don't equate it to patriarchy, just personal choice.

By double barrelling we were acknowledging both families- no one compromised.

Double barrelled surnames have been around for centuries, I do think it’s odd that that people assume the children are from unmarried parents.

We’re all just having a debate, no one is too fussed what Jane Doe or Joe Bloggs from Swindon is naming their children. Isn’t that what debate is?

There’s no denying that this is where it came from. We live in a historically Christian culture, assuming you are in the UK. Things have moved on now but still use Christianity as a framework.

Because my name was roundly mocked throughout my entire life... because I don't consider it to be about ownership, because my children are forever my children and I'm not so insecure as to think that a surname changes that, because my DS was the only male born on my partners side of the family and it felt important to me (him not so much) that their family name didn't die out with DP. Oh, and because as a feminist I believe in choice for women, and that they shouldn't be railroaded into making choices dictated by other so called feminists.

And yet here you are posting, just like the rest of us.

So it's not about choice?

Choice under pressure isn't choice

@LefthandRight no pressure from my husband...... I chose well!

You maybe not so much.

It is about choice, but there is a disingenuous denial that they haven’t made a choice to give their ‘solid little unit’ the husband’s name in the context of a patriarchal society.

Wow OP you sound very angry. I too get annoyed when people claim I’ve been subjected to some kind of feminist injustice.
I wanted me, DH and DCs to have the same surname, call me old fashioned and traditional but don’t tell me I’ve been subjected to injustice. No whipping off of any ownership label. I don’t own my DCs anyway, it’s a name.

Feminism is about liberation, not the 'choice' to maintain the patriarchal status quo.

What's with the oh come on! I never said it was common, just that I knew of two instances.

Why couldn’t that same surname have been yours though?

What about when it’s not under pressure? My husband was raised by a feminist and didn’t care what name I took or didn’t take, there was no pressure, it was my choice. Are you aware that not all men are the same?

It is about feminism because the assumption that a woman will take the man’s name in marriage and then they will give that name to their children is the default position. The tradition. The cultural expectation. And it is a patriarchal tradition.

It will cease to have anything to do with feminism once every heterosexual couple make a decision without simply reverting to default, and when roughly as many couples use the woman’s surname as the man’s.

You are free to make your own choices within your relationship, but you really cannot claim that the tradition in society as a whole has ‘nothing to do with feminism’: it is a patriarchal / sexist tradition!

She’s talking about a societal pressure.

My previous surname was shared with a prolific killer and so there were often comments about it. I always hated my name growing up and just didn't like the sound. It's not that I just decided not to like it when faced with mine vs DH. Anyway I was already married and name changed by the time I had my son but even if I hadn't I would have given DS my DH surname because I think it sounds better,

What I do regret is that DH also passed down his middle name to him and chose his first name. I liked the first name and to be fair we did decide on it together out of a list of ones we liked, but looking at the name as a whole I do feel a bit sad that I didn't actually come up with or pass on any of it myself.

I would argue, in somewhat support of your point, that if I'd given/passed down all three names to our child, the reaction would have been different ("taking over", "controlling" etc) than DH ("honouring family, he's an involved dad" etc) doing so.

Mine have my surname
H1 became a liability as soon as I was pregnant & couldn't be bothered to come to register DTs birth & has a short but odd surname.
DH 2 is not British & people in the UK find his surname almost impossible to spell or pronounce. It was actually his suggestion that they have my surname as their surname - both have his in their name too. It works for us, in fact he will use my surname at times because it is easier.

My ex MIL (the wicked witch of the west) was very passive aggressive about me keeping my name and nearly had a fit when told DTs had my surname.
Given her precious son hasn't seen them for over 15 years it was a good move on my part.

My children have DH's name. It mattered to him and it didn't matter to me. Why should it matter to everyone?

Perhaps women feel less inclined to stake a claim on their children BECAUSE they grew and birthed them and they KNOW that child is theirs. Giving the children their Dad’s name is like saying btw…he’s the Dad/not the Step Dad/ Mum’s New Boyfriend etc.

“My name” was my Dad’s name. I don’t think it’s the big feminist statement people think it is to keep your Dad’s name instead of taking your husbands or giving your kids your Dad’s name instead of your husband’s.

Why do women still wear engagement rings? White wedding dresses? Get “given away” by their Dads? Tradition. Following tradition doesn’t mean subscribing to everything those traditions used to mean. I was certainly no virgin when I wore my white wedding dress.

Why should it have been? To make feminist society feel better? No pressure, no patriarchal persuasion. It’s a name.