To ask if you've had children with an equal partner? What does life look like if it's equal/unequal?

[Cartoonpeople]

When I look around me I mainly see women taking on both paid work and the majority of tasks around the children.

Do you feel like you've had children with an equal partner? If so, what does that look and feel like?

If you've had children with someone who doesn't shoulder their share of the load, what does that look and feel like?

Is it easier doing it alone if you're in scenario two?

Yes, I feel that I’ve had a child with an equal partner, and also notice how rare that seems when I look at other parents I know.

Pre-children: DH did half the cooking/ washing up, dealt with his family himself (eg: buying cards & presents), and a mostly equal split of household chores (I probably do more cleaning, he does DIY and messy jobs). Was generally a competent human being who could look after himself.

Baby & toddler years: Did overnight feeds at weekends so I could rest, was capable of looking after DD by himself, and took two months shared parental leave after my maternity leave. We alternated bath and bedtime. He did most of the nursery drop offs and pick ups. We each got time to ourselves at the weekend when the other took DD out.

Now (primary school): DH does half the school runs and takes DD to half the activities she does. Still splitting cooking and housework, still each getting time to ourselves at weekends.

If I had to go away for a week, he’d be perfectly competent to look after DD, the cat, and the house. Reading posts on here, that seems quite rare!

Short answer- yes (If 50/50)

Equal leisure time, ability to go out or away with just a quick check that it doesn't clash with any other plans already made.

Knowing that he would crack on with making meals, laundry, cleaning etc. Also it's the same if he wants to go out/away.

I could have died and he'd have known how to parent and run a house including the school crap, medical appointments and so on.

I don't think there's a formula. For me it's dh just doing stuff, not to help, but because it needs doing. There's some areas he needs a nudge, but mostly if he sees something needs doing, he just sorts it. He also doesn't arrange stuff and expect me to pick up the pieces. If he books dd into something he sorts the logistics and asks me if I can if he can't.

Yes 50/50. Started with shared mat leave (I did 6 months then went back part time, he did 6 months). Since then he has done at least half of the nursery drop offs/ pick ups, half the cooking, most of the washing, we share tidying up and he gets up with the kids most weekdays as am busier during the day. I plan the meals, do half the cooking, the garden, house stuff and do most of the kids’ admin like booking after school
activities, school dinners and medical appointments (so I definitely carry more of the mental load though he will do stuff if I ask him, like “can you take x for a haircut,” or “can you book a dentist appointment for all of the kids).

Equal access to money, he has always out earned me but it’s always been pooled together.

Equal amounts of housework/childcare.
Equal family responsibilities; the mental load of doing everything we need for the kids is shared and when it comes to our parents’ care (as they have aged and needed more) we both do as much as we can, not just for our own.

It genuinely feels like we are a team and deal with everything together. We always say that after the kids we each put the other first rather than ourselves.

Yes all pretty equal here, we both work FT with no nearby family. Both equally capable of looking after our two young DC solo. Both earn similarly, split childcare 50/50 (one afternoon after school pickup each, alternate bedtimes, alternate hobbies).

Obviously, this makes him a god amongst men and me a terrible wife and mother.

He does a bit more of the housework and cooking, I have the vast majority of the mental load which as ever isn't truly appreciated I don't think.

I feel dh and I are pretty equal. Not perfectly but I think we are both pretty happy with how things are.
For us this is:
We both work and earn. Money put into joint account and we have the same amount to spend on stuff we want after bills/ food/ kids (so not much but still!).
Equal drop offs and pick ups from nursery and school.
Alternate being off with the kids if they are sick.
Share night wakings.
Household stuff is split. Pretty informally. We have no issue with say, one person starting dinner and the other taking over if the first person gets embroiled with kids or whatever. Or I'll put washing on and hang out to dry and DH will bring in and put away. Chores are kind of shared in that way rather than "why haven't you brought the clothes in? That's YOUR job!" kind of thing.
We share out taking dc to appointments. Also both totally involved in which nursery / school we chose for them and dh has been hugely active in securing an ehcp for our child with sen despite not even knowing what an ehcp was beforehand!
Both have time to do our own thing e.g exercise and seeing our own friends or even just a lie in / rest.
I don't think it's necessarily perfect and sometimes we have to have a chat about needing to re-adjust so things feel fairer but we are pretty good at communicating this before anyone gets too resentful.
I also think most of my friends seem to have similar systems. I'm surprised on mn at so many people in more "traditional" set ups where the mum does everything and the dh is constantly at the pub / cycling/ doing his own thing. Not my experience at all. Even my mum has commented how fathers today are so much more present and share parenting compared to when she had kids. Mn has been eye opening in that way!

Yes we did everything 50/50, as I had a bigger job , although his was still big, as she was growing up, we still do 50/50. However even if I didn’t have a bigger job he’d have done equal. We were equal before and equal after, nothing changed.

I do the school drop offs, he does the pick ups. We share cooking and cleaning up. I do bathroom he does laundry. Equal hobby time

It's sad, but I'm actually surprised by how equal it is - I don't know why my expectations were so low! DH is a teacher, so looks after DD in the school holidays, and we split any time off for illnesses and appointments. I wish I'd more clearly discussed this before we had DC so I would've been less worried - maybe we would've had them sooner!

I think the old MN standby "do you have equal free time" is the way to judge it. So DH and I have an unequal / traditional setup in that I do more childcare and housework and he works longer hours, but I feel it's fair overall, in terms of the time we both have "off duty". Money is shared completely equally too.

We're an equal partnership. Our DC are almost 2 and 3.5.

I'm a SAHM. I,

• Get up with DC every morning, get their breakfast and get them dressed.
• Take them to activities.
• Arrange and take them to all appointments.
• Deal with all family and household admin.
• Collect DC1 from nursery everyday.
• Bath the kids daily.
• Clean the cat litter box daily.

DH WFH full time. He also,

• Takes DC1 to nursery every morning.
• Makes lunch for everyone daily.
• Makes dinner every night.
• Does the bedtime routine (story, singing).
• Takes the bins out.
• Does the weekly food shop (he takes the DC with him).
• Takes DC1 to rugby every Saturday.
• Changes the cat litter weekly.

All household chores, such as hoovering, sweeping, loading and unloading the dishwasher, laundry, cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, generally tidying up, etc. is done by both of us. We also take turns of getting up with the the DC if they wake during the night.

Always been pretty equal here.

DH earns 5x what I do and all our money is pooled.

Who does what has changed throughout the years as DS grew up but it’s always been pretty equal.

Currently I’m working part time, about 25 hrs a week. So I do the majority of the housework and cooking (although we have cleaners), DH works full time and takes on the mental load in terms of house and car insurance, car maintenance, tax and mot, he deals with all of the utility bills and that kind of stuff. DS is away at uni so just the two of us at home.

He’s very good.

Prob more 80/20 in my house on him.
I work long hours, away with work a lot.

Have always worked way more hours than him so all clubs, most school drop offs, pick ups, activities, hobbies are facilitated by him.

I have missed parents evenings, watching events, Christmas days etc more than I can count unfortunately.

Nowadays it’s better. I do chip into cleaning, shopping, meal planning as much as I can.

Be lost without him.

Yes, I feel we are equal partners. When we had our dc, I went part time and took on most but by no means all of the household stuff. Dh was in a very busy, stressful job, and I very much felt I had the easier side of the bargain. He was still a very good dad and did loads of cooking, diy and some housework. When I went back to ft work, we immediately redistributed the household load. There was no question about whether this would be the case. We have always had shared finances. We pay into our joint account, leaving us each the same amount of spending money in our personal accounts.

I feel I've had kids with an equal partner.

We took on tradional roles from the outset, with me being a SAHM and then working PT around the kids. As a result, I took on the bulk of the domestic work/childcare...but that was my role and I was/am happy with it.

Since I went PT, I still do the majority but DH takes the kids to their activities, coaches sports and will do some housework as required, without being asked.

If I were to go FT, I fully expect he will take on more of the domestic load, although this will be a shock to his system.

He’s very good.

When did someone last say that a woman is "very good" for pulling her weight at home. We need to stop giving men gold stars for clearing the lowest of bars.

I had ds with ex who had always been lovely. We'd been together six years so I felt we knew each other properly.

But immediately after ds was born, he changed, expected the 'traditional housewife', resented the fact I returned to my career, which we had discussed before we had ds, and he'd been fine with, resented paying half of nursery fees and would not help with ds at all.

He did change one or two nappies if he had no choice, and would sometimes spend 10 minutes bouncing ds on his knee but could never be relied on to look after ds and openly said it was my problem. We split before ds started school.

We do pay 50:50 because he's a high earner and I work full time, but ds lives with me all year. It means I make all the decisions which can be an upside.

It was very odd, like waking up and finding myself with a total stranger.

Not equal here.

It’s absolutely 50/50 when DH is home. And he doesn’t do cycling, football, drinks etc. But he works very long hours. So has not been able to do 50% of child or home stuff.

Financially this has definitely been best for our family as his job is very highly paid and he couldn’t have earned nearly as much in a different job with lower hours. However, it’s been at the expense of my own career as I was also in a demanding job and couldn’t manage that job and 90% of everything else (esp as we had non sleeping kids).

Swings and roundabouts.

I wouldn’t put up with an H who buggered off cycling or to the pub and left me holding the baby. It’s a bit different when he is at work. Although still means I’m holding the baby…

I think I know it's entirely equal because I don't have to explain how to do anything
Eg. He could take to school & know who their teachers are and what's required in the morning / take to doctors - know how to do these who to discuss concerns with (DDs disabled) etc
If needed to do the weekly shop I wouldn't need to explain what we needed he'd just crack on and look himself and arrange everything

It's more than just splitting the chores 50/50 it's knowing that he absolutely has my back without extensive instructions

He often asks me to help with something he's working on to split the time/energy - eg. Laundry (why is it never ending?!)

The big thing is communication

I hope to teach and show my children how to find an equal loving partner but also explain to them the red flags to look for pre-kids and they can just come home if needed - they don't need to be stuck in bad relationships because they feel they have no where to go - this seems to be a common theme amongst my female friends sadly

We’re very equal, when our daughter came home we split our adoption leave 50/50. In the first few weeks there were arguments as we both wanted to do the feed, bath etc. We don’t have a formula, usually we both work part time so whoever is off work is the day time parent that day. For the last few months I’ve been unemployed, so I’ve been doing all but three of my husbands working days (nursery) then he tends to take over until dinner time, then we tag team both our children until bedtime. He tends to do the morning routine as I usually get up first go to the gym, run etc and I’m then home in time for him to finish getting ready for work.

Our adoption group was interesting, about 50/50 straight and gay couples, in almost all the straight couples the dad was very absent, where as in virtually all the gay couples it was much more 50/50, even in couples where a child had significant additional needs. I’m not sure if there have been any studies in parenting loads in straight v gay couples.

Equal in my house. We both work full time.

He is better at mornings than me so does most of the early starts and tends to do any night wakings (I breastfed so did the majority when they were tiny)

He does most of the school runs and driving to and from activities

I do all the cooking and meal planning

He does most of the 'official' admin (booking holiday clubs, after school and breakfast clubs, house bills etc), I do most of the unofficial admin (birthday parties, organising playdates, gifts for friends etc)

We have a cleaner as both hate housework but will share the in between bits of hoovering and tidying

Washing, I normally put it on, he normally folds, whoever is around puts it away

We both travel for work and the other one has to do everything while we are away

I don't think I'd be able to cope without this split of labour and work full time (health issues)

I didn't really think about it before we had kids, so ive been lucky, but his parents were the same. We also did shared paternity leave which I think stops one of you becoming the default parent or taking all responsibility for housework

Yes. DH does distinctly more than me, so it’s really more unequal in my favour. I have long-term precarious health, though.

I think we play to our strengths. I think I do more but I suspect dh would say the same 😁obvious stuff like school runs and cooking we are 50/50 but I do all the washing, all the food shop, the vast majority of the mental load for school stuff etc. I do not do anything garden related though, that is all DH.

DH spends a lot more time with dc though, and he is very good at "we must not forget xyz" but not quite so good at actually taking any action relating to it!