To ask if you've had children with an equal partner? What does life look like if it's equal/unequal?

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When I look around me I mainly see women taking on both paid work and the majority of tasks around the children.

Do you feel like you've had children with an equal partner? If so, what does that look and feel like?

If you've had children with someone who doesn't shoulder their share of the load, what does that look and feel like?

Is it easier doing it alone if you're in scenario two?

Yes, I think we do things pretty equally.

As a baby my son was breastfed so all the feeds were on me. My husband did 100% of the nappy changes as his ‘thing’. He would also take our son between 5am and him starting work at 9am (and take him out of the house for a walk so it was quiet) every weekday so I could sleep, and he was the ‘default’ parent at weekends so that I could catch up on rest.

He buys the same amount of clothes / toys etc as I do and books activities at about the same rate. He books dental and drs appointments as needed. He did all the admin for starting nursery. He does a lot of research on equipment etc before we buy anything. He set up our son’s saving account and did all the research on which one to go for.

Our son is 3 now. My husband does a little over half of the childcare pick ups and drop offs, we both get time to ourselves at weekends etc. We alternate who does bath and bedtime. He gets up with him every morning (once he’s awake he can’t get back to sleep and he’s lovely, so he just gets up when our son does and I lie in for a bit).

We both work 4 days a week so each have one day a week of childcare which we love, then we all do things together at the weekends.

Housework is evenly split. I do more of the garden because it’s my hobby, he helps when I need it. We both earn more or less the same, me about £10k more.

He’s a lovely man and I’m lucky to have him. Mumsnet makes me realise how dire most men truly are.

Agree that completely shared finances are really important to me. It means we have shared goals and no one is better off than the other.

I know what you mean OP about seeing a lot of unequal partnerships with kids around. In my close group of girlfriends from uni the majority have v unequal marriages now. Conversations at our irregular dinners together often revolve around them moaning about this, and they typically have to do a fair bit of prep for this to happen, including getting it in diary MONTHS in advance to ensure their DHs to 'babysit' the kids (it's not babysitting IMO when it's your own bloody kids). I find this all rather depressing and often feel like I can't relate because it's so different for me. My DH was a SAHD for a bit and still works less than me, and for himself so is able to flex around the kids. He does the majority of school pick ups. He's cleaner/tidier than I am so housework has always been shared equally- with him usually kick starting any cleaning. He used to be a chef, so is much better at cooking than me & does all the cooking. I do almost all the laundry but that seems entirely right given he does all the cooking! Overall he prob does quite a bit more of the domestic stuff than me, but he is at home a lot more. I earn a lot more, and we share all money, everything in joint account. It's been this way since before kids, think before we got married actually. The only thing issue where things are tad more 'traditional' is sorting gifts for those outside the family.

We’ve always been fairly equal. Before we had children, pooled money, shared chores etc

Once we had children I did the year maternity but he still helped with night feeds, getting up in the morning to allow me to sleep!

Once back at work shared pickup/drop offs and when we needed to take time off when poorly. Same with school activities we both never missed a nativity, sports day always both been present. Involved in arranging the school holiday care. Also house chores split - he cooks, we both add to the online shop etc Dentist visit etc

Even when I went PT he still did the drop offs.

Our children are now 20 & 14, and recently I went back to FT. We both now at similar points in our careers and paid fairly similar. (Though I’ve only just caught up with him I do think PT did affect me & pension)

We both have lovely relationships with our children, as a family and individual 121 time with each of them. I don’t think he regrets not pushing the big career to have the lovely relationship he has with his children - by equally working together the pressure to provide hasn’t all been on him and we’ve both been able to be there for our children.

We’re a team. We were before but it was forged through the hell that was a non-sleeping DS1 (9 months where he didn’t sleep more that 45 minutes).

DC are now 11 and 7. We both work FT. DH is a teacher and in term time I do almost all the thinking for DSs but come the holidays he does 100%. We buy in a lot of help (eg our childminder feeds DSs) so my ‘load’ in term time isn’t unbearable (whereas DH feeds all of us in the holidays).

When they were smaller we had a routine that meant we both managed to get ready in the morning and get DSs ready between us, that’s now reduced to sharing making packed lunches (blooming school doesn’t offer school lunches!), breakfast and chivvying DS2 along. Evenings are similar.

Yes equal here which means we are conscious of each other’s loads and step up as needed. We specialise in some areas eg I tend to do the laundry but if needed are each perfectly capable of taking on each other’s tasks.

Mostly just respect and value each other.

DC stuff is shared and each of us have equal input. That also means me trusting dh with the dc. So many friends would eg lay out clothes for the dc or fill the fridge with meals when their dh looking after the dc…That instantly implies a lack of trust or element of helplessness in the man. We trust each other and know we are both perfectly competent - and if one isn’t competent at something the best way to learn is by doing! Ultimately we’re a team. And are open about when things are or aren’t working for us.

I have an equal partner. We both do an equal share of everything when we're with the kids in the house.

Problem is he works Saturdays so every Saturday is just me doing the childcare. Then he has a Wednesday off where he gets time to himself because of nursery/school. It annoys me but there's not much I can do about it. Our careers are inflexible when it comes to days off.

My dh works much less hours and has more flexibility than me so takes on the vast majority of household jobs. Does all school runs, all the ironing of uniforms, 80% of cleaning. All the shopping. 90% of cooking.

if things ever swing the other way I'll happily swap but at the moment this works best for our family.

I think I know it's entirely equal because I don't have to explain how to do anything

Same here. I think that is key. Dh is a confidently practical and capable person. He works things out, takes the initiative and would never need to ask me what to do about anything wrt the dc or the house.

exdp. Done all the washing up and putting away, put laundry on to wash and done ALL the ironing. Also picked up ds from school after work and took to activities. He also hoovered and done all dog walks. I cooked, dusted, put washing away, took children to breakfast club and school, done all home work, food shopping and also my share of laundry. He also done night feeds and got up every morning with dc as he was an early bird.

We each have our jobs around the place and do then less child related nowadays we have a teenager

I have no idea if I do 56% and he does 44% or whatever

We just get on with it

I'm sat in bed while he is looking after the two kids. He's sorted out the kids for breakfast and has put a load of washing out to dry. Put the almost dry stuff in the tumble and brought me a bit of toast. He also got up at 5.30am as I had been up for 2 hours with the baby and needed to go back to sleep. Let me sleep until 9.30. Only woke me up then because I ask him to not let me sleep too late or I have trouble sleeping tonight... guess I better get up.

Unequal here with what feels like a 90/10 spilt.
I work 24 hours, he works 37. I do all school runs, all the cooking, 95% of cleaning, all the admin, all the gardening. I get a lot less free time but when I don't do things, no one does. On the rare occasion my husband does cook, the children will be eating an oven pizza for dinner.

But why do you accept that?

Yes, we’re equal partners. A family team.

Early on I had an intense high-paying job with long hours and lots of pressure. He was just starting in his current career and I earned 4x more at the start - we pooled our money from the beginning. We both sold our flats to buy a house together - he put in 2.5 x as much as me as we both put all our ‘profit’ into the deposit.

I took a year maternity leave x 2 DC and he cashed in his ISAs so we could maintain the same standard of living for the 2nd 6 months of Mat leave when my income dropped.

When I returned to work after DC1 we talked about our careers/childcare/expectations of family life and decided that because I loved my job and was flying in my career that I would return full time and he would go 3 days/wk. DC1 went to nursery 4 days week and DH had 1 day per week to write his first book. DH did all the domestic stuff though I did half the cooking, half the bedtimes and we had cleaner who ironed.

We have shifted this balance over the last 15 years- at one point we both worked 4 days per week, that was nice. Then I burnt out from my career, and as he had several promotions I gave up work to become full time stay at home parent for a few years and we lived on his salary (we sold our home and relocated to make this work).

Over the last few years I’ve gradually returned to work going part-time and now full-time and that’s been a gradual shift in the domestic responsibilities again. I feel like it’s fair. We still pool all our money. We have a good social life with joint and separate activities, and we have a date night once a week even if it’s just a couple of drinks in the local pub. We go away for weekends independent of each other every 2 or 3 months. He’s v sexy and I still fancy him like mad.

I chose this one carefully having auditioned many many potential life partners and getting it very wrong with DH1 😊

That is equal, then. You did what was best for your family. Don't let the misandrists of mumsnet convince you that you got a raw deal when you just did what worked for your individual set up.

That is equal, then

Absolutely. It would not be equality to expect the partner (of whichever sex) who is working long hours in a job to take on anything like the same childcare or household load as the partner who was not. I suppose the relative load depends a bit on the type of job though. I always found looking after my dc, even as babies and toddlers, far easier and less tiring than being at work, and dh's job was tougher than mine.

Yes equal partner - but that doesn’t mean it has always been an exact 50/50 split. Sometimes I’ve done more housework/childcare as kids were little and only worked a couple of evenings whilst DH worked full time. But when he was at home it was always 50/50 or whatever depending on the demands at the time.

kids are teens now and as DH works from home and I work in the office it probably does lean more towards DH doing hoovering/general tidy/picking up kids/helping kids with stuff/getting dinner started whereas I do the laundry and more of the weekend type cleaning.

But why do you accept that?

Because if I don't make dinner the children would eat junk food, if I don't do gardening then the garden would be overgrown, if I don't do admin the car would have no MOT. I've had the conversation hundreds of times, nothing changes and I've grown to resent the man I married. I married and had children young without the life experience of what to look for in a partner. I wish for better for my own children who are both caring and helpful.

If it had been an agreed set up then yes I’d agree it was equal.

What isn’t equal is that I didn’t get a choice.

I think there are a number of women in this position - they may think it’s equal because they work less so they do more at home, but the question is, was that their choice?

I don't really understand your post, maybe I misunderstood your set up. As I read your post, your issue was that it made more sense for your husband to be the primary breadwinner because his job paid more. I do get how that wasn't exactly your 'choice' but it wasn't as if he pushed you into that situation (unless I'm misunderstanding you) it was just how the chips happened to fall.

I think we are fairly close to putting in equal effort to the family, though it isn't always perfect.

The key in our family was both compressing work hours and working different days, so he both were solo parenting a couple of days a week when the other one wasn't around, so dp had to find his own ways to do everything the kids and house needed.

We still get the "isn't dp amazing for doing half of the family work" stuff, which pisses me off.

Yes I have. We both work full time and contribute 50/50 to household income. We have 2 primary age DC - DH WFH so does all school drop offs and 1 pick up, I do one pick up. Other stuff is shared but then we each have specific jobs too - like I am responsible for meal planning and food shopping.

If one of us drops the ball it impacts the other so that can cause tension occasionally, but basically it works for us.

It feels like I am a respected adult and I respect my DH and his time. We both feel very close to our DC. We both support each other taking time for ourselves because we understand the need as we're both in the same boat.

Yeah I wouldn’t be in that relationship then. What does he bring?

I’d also worry that what you’re actually doing is modelling to your dc this is what they can expect from a relationship too.

I’m sorry because i probably sound like I’m getting at you. You don’t have to put up with this you know. You deserve better. Everyone does.

My dh Is an equal partner , in fact he often has our ds more than me. I do all the organising etc and we spilt the house work. He also did the vast majority of the night wakes when ds was a new born. There definitely are men who do their fair share but they do seem rare. Most of my friends sadly are doing it all despite having partners.