To ask if you've had children with an equal partner? What does life look like if it's equal/unequal?

[Cartoonpeople]

When I look around me I mainly see women taking on both paid work and the majority of tasks around the children.

Do you feel like you've had children with an equal partner? If so, what does that look and feel like?

If you've had children with someone who doesn't shoulder their share of the load, what does that look and feel like?

Is it easier doing it alone if you're in scenario two?

We're 50/50 just naturally.

We both do a few days WFH a week, and flex around what the other one needs on any given week.

We share the chores - there's really never any need for a conversation about housework because we just do whatever is in front of us and needs done.

We earn basically the same amount so finances are one big pool.

We can both easily travel for work or pleasure and the other picks up the slack with no extra effort.

We're very very good at giving each other a break - always prioritise the other doing things like going out with friends or to gigs.

Jesus - reading this back I think I might have the holy grail of marriages!!!

If I'm honest its 60:40 in our house. Husband does more. We both work fulltime. He does cooking, washing, ironing, dog walking. I do general cleaning, admin, gift buying etc. Was 50:50 taking children to school when they were younger. He's always done night time duties, night time feeds years ago and dog disturbs these days! I realise that not many men do this but I also believe that women have a role to play in this. I've been married before and it was also 50:50 mainly because I refuse to do it all!!

I find this thread uplifting and optimistic. In a mn world where the majority of people are (obviously) posting about a problem, it is great to read how others create and maintain balance and equality.

My own experience was after 7 years of equal realtionship. We'd discussed finaces and responsibilities before ttc. Both on the same page. For various reasons I had to start mat leave early at 30 weeks. I was bored. I had no 'Mum' friends, I didn't yet have a baby... So I filled my time with nest building and domesticity. I cleaned, knitted, sewed. Dinner was on the table every night when dh came home. There was home baked bread, ironed shirts, plumped cushions. I was living in a pre-baby bliss.

Oh how I regret those months. It took 11 or 12 short weeks for all of our previous balance and equality to be wiped out. He loved the new lifestyle - no surprise in that.

We were both in the wrong. I thought that I would be a maternal goddess; he thought that this was how life might be from now on. (this was despite my career and my return to work when dc was 5 months old). Sadly our balanced relationship never recovered.

Def not equal here, however better since he started to wfh in a less demanding job. I work 32 hours a week with a 45 minute commute ( i day wfh) each way in a job with more responsibility.

He:

Does school run 3 days a week I'm out of the house
Cooks dinner on days I'm at work
Will occasional put a load of washing on - kids stuff
Does on washing
Occasional garden stuff eg picking up leaves/ planting flowers
Occasional very simple DIY- but when I ask him to do it after several requests eg put a shelf up.

I
Food shopping and planning and cooking/ preparing all meals 4 days a week ( my non work or wfh days)
Tidying house ( we have a cleaner) and decluttering old clothes/ tip/ charity shop
Majority of washing
Majority of loading and emptying dishwasher
Almost all mental load -homework/ appointments/ parents evenings/ school admin - he's signed up to all the emails and apps but doesn't act on these notifications.
Researching eg nurseries, schools, house stuff
Taking kids to activities
Paying bills etc
Planning weekend eg trips out
Garden stuff - mowing lawn/ pruning trees
Any school.volunteering - trips etc
Planning for guest staying over - eg what to cook, sorting rooms etc.
Buying kids clothes/ shoes/ uniforms etc
Planning bigger projects eg cleaning garage out/ new driveway/ redecorating.
I did all night feedings and by far more hands on when they were babies which

Tbh I don't know of an equal heterosexual relationship in real life once children are involved - the dynamic changes. Same sex couples and those without children seem far more balanced.

We are a team - I don't think that makes things equal let alone 50:50, and some weeks one will do more and next the other steps up. Sometimes you've just got different amounts of energy to give. We do make sure to take about any arising resentment. We both struggle equally with feeling like we don't get any time to ourselves.

Our DC is a toddler, so we're still finding a pattern for family life when we are both working full time. I did 9 months of ShPL, he did 3 months. I earn about £20k more. Housework is divided but no idea how equally, as I dont track, some jobs don't get done until one of us has the time or energy. He does more of the daily maintenance chores (e.g. washing up etc), I do more of the irregular ones (e.g. cleaning the fridge).
Childcare is similar, except it has to be done!