AIBU to just not be able to get over this?

[KatheKollander66]

Been married for 4 years. We have 2 children each from previous relationships. All older teens/adults.

Throughout our marriage my husband has not worked. I have only had a minimum wage job, despite a good education. I am currently waiting for autism assessment as I find a lot of things very difficult but have always 'masked up' and got on with working. I made a tough decision 2 years ago to leave the job I had worked at for 12 years in order to retrain, to purposely try and get a better income.

I pay all the rent, all the bills, everything. He uses his credit card for this and I pay him back, so consequently he has a great credit report whereas I do not.

I am just not feeling happy in this relationship any more. He is so controlling and I just feel like I'm at work all the time. Is it right to feel so joyless and hopeless? I've never had a 'successful' relationship and I've tried to talk to people in real life and they just shut me down instantly.

AIBU to be feeling so low about this? I just feel like I'm being financially manipulated.

Jesus no. What does he do? In life and in the relationship?

You’re feeling exploited because you are being exploited .

Why doesn’t he work?

Is there a reason your husband cannot work ?

A history of mental health issues and just refusing to do so.

Give him an ultimatum - get a job or it’s over.

What right does this idiot have to be controlling when he contributes nothing to your life.

What are you getting out of this relationship?
Might be worth reconsidering.

I literally have never had a successful relationship with anybody, apart from my children. My mum just keeps saying "you've made your bed and now you've got to lay in it" before I even mention anything about our relationship. I just feel so lost.

I'm not getting anything out of it, I'm just lying to myself that it will all be OK. I've always been told that my happiness isn't important. I just think I've always been manipulated by others and allowed it due to piss poor boundaries.

Sorry for the pity party!!

Ditch him. He’s freeriding. Honestly it sounds like you would be a hell of a lot better off without him. What’s your housing situation?

Was he working when you were dating him? If not, this is kind of what you signed up for. Time for a big conversation.

Don’t apologise at all. You’re absolutely right to be assessing this. Your happiness IS important and it’s up to you to grab it with both hands.

Yes he was working until we got married.

I've never added him onto my lease, even though he keeps badgering me to do so. He paid rent to his mum before we married when he lived with her.

Sounds like he is the only one benefiting from this arrangement, I wouldn't call it a marriage.

I think it's time to kick him out I'm afraid. Either he'll want to get back together and get a job or he won't and you'll be exponentially happier.

To coin an MN phrase, sounds as if you’ve got yourself a cocklodger. Sorry - but you deserve better so steel your nerves and LTB.

Tell him it's over and he needs to leave. He can go back to mummy and she can support him.

Well, if the flat/house is in your name, and he contributes nothing, chuck him out. He sounds like a cocklodger, and not a particularly charming one. Don't add him to your lease.
It's much better to be on your own than stuck with someone who adds nothing to your life.

Is he claiming out of work benefits?
I'm guessing his kids live with their mother? And he's paying minimal maintenance?

Previous generations mostly did much to their detriment.
You’re carrying around a dead weight! Of course you don’t have to stay in the marriage, your in the strong position here (rarely seen on mn) it should be a lot easier.

He’s not on the lease? Excellent.
Sit down, tell him you aren’t happy and would like to separate /divorce. He can go to his mum’s.

Send this cockloadger back to his mummy

No, one lives with us in our front room. The other lives with his mum. They are both adults, in their mid twenties.

Ignore that. You haven't got kids together. There's no reason not to divorce

Chuck him out, it's time for the free gravy train to end. Nobody would be happy with this arrangement, OP.

I think that's her acknowledgement that your relationship is not working. Nobody says that about a good husband.