AIBU to just not be able to get over this?

[KatheKollander66]

Been married for 4 years. We have 2 children each from previous relationships. All older teens/adults.

Throughout our marriage my husband has not worked. I have only had a minimum wage job, despite a good education. I am currently waiting for autism assessment as I find a lot of things very difficult but have always 'masked up' and got on with working. I made a tough decision 2 years ago to leave the job I had worked at for 12 years in order to retrain, to purposely try and get a better income.

I pay all the rent, all the bills, everything. He uses his credit card for this and I pay him back, so consequently he has a great credit report whereas I do not.

I am just not feeling happy in this relationship any more. He is so controlling and I just feel like I'm at work all the time. Is it right to feel so joyless and hopeless? I've never had a 'successful' relationship and I've tried to talk to people in real life and they just shut me down instantly.

AIBU to be feeling so low about this? I just feel like I'm being financially manipulated.

Leave him you sound like you’ll be so much happier and may find a sense of freedom and enjoyment in your life with just you and your DC

What is the house situation? I would dump him, it sounds like you’ve had enough.

My biggest fear would be the cash situation, should your cash flow go belly up how would the credit card get paid? The whole situation is dire

You get rid- he’s totally living off you as a kind of parasite. Plus he’s controlling to boot! Bin him!

Get some counselling to talk through your history of bad relationships if you think there’s a pattern.

I mean you could say anyone who is single has never had a “successful relationship” as they’ve all ended, unless they’re a widow of course.

You don't need anyone's permission to kick him out. You also don't have to continue being in a relationship for any reason when you don't want to. Your mum is wrong.

Fuck that, I'd just get rid of him.

He's a complete loser. Get rid of him, he brings nothing to the table you're better off being single.

I mean you could say anyone who is single has never had a “successful relationship” as they’ve all ended, unless they’re a widow of course.

I was just going to say this @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing. Why are you telling yourself things like this OP?

If a relationship ends, that doesn't mean you've 'failed'. In fact, it can indicate healthy boundaries and good self esteem/self worth/self respect, which is far more important than staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy just so you can tell yourself and everyone else the relationship is 'successful'.

Do you look at long-term single people and judge their character based on the fact they don't have a partner? Do you, deep down, believe that a long relationship is always something to be admired, even if behind closed doors that relationship is miserable?

A person's relationship status does not define them. And judging your own self worth based on some arbitrarily defined 'successful/not successful' relationship is really, really unhealthy.

God no wonder you are miserable. You have replaced his mother and who would find that attractive?

Get rid of him to show your children some standards!

Imagine them going on to date losers because that is what you showed them life and relationships was all about?

Is he paying all the bills with a credit card and then you are paying it off?? Are they all in his name?

So on paper it looks like he is paying for all the bills?

You mentioned financial control and if this is how things are working I wonder how this came to be? Did he threaten you?

What would happen if you just change the bills to your name?

I don’t know how this would work in practice and whether you would need his permission or involvement (if all the utility companies view him as the “bill payer”)

Don't give him an ultimatum. Tomorrow morning just tell him that he and his kids have got to go. The kids can go back to their mum's house and he can go wherever the hell he likes, probably he'll go back to his own mum's.

Take no notice of your mother. She doesn't have your best interests at heart.

You aren't full of self pity. YOUR happiness is VERY important. Stop apologising. You don't deserve the situation you are in. Caring and supporting needs to be mutual and shared; not one sided. Wishing you the strength to get out of this. You have achieved so much