AIBU to just not be able to get over this?

[KatheKollander66]

Been married for 4 years. We have 2 children each from previous relationships. All older teens/adults.

Throughout our marriage my husband has not worked. I have only had a minimum wage job, despite a good education. I am currently waiting for autism assessment as I find a lot of things very difficult but have always 'masked up' and got on with working. I made a tough decision 2 years ago to leave the job I had worked at for 12 years in order to retrain, to purposely try and get a better income.

I pay all the rent, all the bills, everything. He uses his credit card for this and I pay him back, so consequently he has a great credit report whereas I do not.

I am just not feeling happy in this relationship any more. He is so controlling and I just feel like I'm at work all the time. Is it right to feel so joyless and hopeless? I've never had a 'successful' relationship and I've tried to talk to people in real life and they just shut me down instantly.

AIBU to be feeling so low about this? I just feel like I'm being financially manipulated.

Wouldn't you just be happier on your own?!

Man who everyone knows is an arsehole behaves like an arsehole.

What’s really worrying you? Why has it hurt so much? Was it because he was talking to the children? In front of your children?
The others there backed you up, so it’s not that. What specifically has got under your skin? Is he right, would you like to be married, deep down?

The only person benefitting from this is your lazy arse husband.
If it's your house, I'd be kicking him out pronto. You wouldn't be any worse off would you?!

Exactly. 'You made your bed...' is such a horrible expression anyway. You can, figuratively, chuck out an old bed and buy yourself a new single one! You don't have to live with bad decisions that you have the power to change.

I feel for u OP. I don't think it is fair he is not working. Is this a choice thing ? If he is not well enough to work then surely he is entitled to some help from.benefits, particularly as you say u are on minimum wage. If this is not the case he needs to find a job. Don't pay his credit cards. It doesn't sound as if he is adding anything to your life. One last thing, your happiness does matter. Imagine u had a friend who was single and ur husband was single. Would u introduce him to ur friend? No? Then he's not good enough for you is he? Good luck OP

You have less complexity than you think.

you don't own property together, your name is in the lease of the house you rent and you don't have shared children.

you aren't happy with the relationship and you aren't getting anything from it apart from him with no job or income and his kids.

time for him and his kids to leave. Be bold, you can do this!

dont listen to your dm

ask your dh to shape up or ship out

Not the main issue, but you can get a credit card and boost your credit score yourself surely?

Don’t take advice from your mum!

Spend time reflecting on YOU. Your needs, your wants, your happiness. You need to put yourself first because nobody else will.

Is there any wonder you have set yourself a low bar for love and respect form a man with a mother who is an unsupportive as this??

You know who won’t financially abuse you or treat you like this? Yourself!!!

The best relationship you will ever have is with yourself, sounds like you have your head screwed on and ambition, don’t waste your life on this leech of a man!!!

You definitely need to tell him to leave
How old are your kids and do they live with you?
Does his adult child that lives with you work and contribute anything to the household? If so, don't they ever comment about their Dad not working and you doing everything or do they just see it as the norm?

Crikey OP,how are you supporting all these adults on the minimum wage? You must be staggering under the weight of it all.

Never mind the credit score, that's a red herring he's fed you to disempower you. Concentrate on your work and any benefits you are entitled to.

Run far and fast, op. There is absolutely no benefit to you in this arrangement. Don't look back.

I pay all the rent, all the bills, everything

If everything is in your name and you’re the only one working, how is it that he has the good credit score and you don’t?

You’re both at fault - him for being a lazy arse and you for putting up with it.
Get rid of him, raise your standards and you’ll be a lot happier.

Does the adult child that lives with you pay his own way?

“You’ve made your bed” is such a shitty way of robbing you of any kind of agency or happiness in your own life - ignore your mum, OP, she’s not helping you.

Anyhow, a 4 year marriage with no kids involved is hardly ‘making a bed’ - this man and his adult child have basically moved into your family home and proceeded to sponge off you, it’s hardly like you’ve built a life from scratch together that’ll be impossible to dismantle.

He’s the very definition of a cocklodger, @KatheKollander66. Plus controlling and financially abusive. It sounds like you were shouldering enough before you even met him, and rather than him acting like a true partner and helping to lighten your load, he’s just jumped on your back and added to the burden. He clearly gives you no support and brings you no joy or happiness - does he add anything positive to your life at all?

Good for you for keeping him off your lease - easier to get him out again. Think how much nicer and freer life would be for you and your DC without him and his sofa-surfing kid taking up all your space, leeching your money and adding to your mental load.

She said he pays on his credit card but she pays the credit card bill off. So on paper he looks like he is paying

Get out now whilst it would still be considered a short marriage (unless you had been together for many years prior to getting married). That way you might not have to share anything financial with him. It's possible your pension is worth more than his for example. I'm guessing there are no savings or other assets that could be included in the division of assets.

You would be so much better off in every aspect without him.

Ok. This rings alarm bells - he pays all the bills on his CC and you pay him back.

You are literally enabling him to have a good credit rating. A good credit rating isn't magic, it is created by having a record of taking on debt and paying it back regularly and on time. He may also be able to argue in a divorce that he contributed equally. Are the bills in his name? Have you kept records of the money you transfer to him for these bills?

Why are you not just paying the bills directly? Can you start doing that or would he react badly?

Pack his bags.

Change the locks.

File for divorce.

get rid of him and his children and then get some serious counselling.

It doesn’t really matter what the reasons are, if you’re not happy then end things.

Don’t waste your life in an unhappy relationship.

Whose home do you live in?

Does he receive disability benefits?

But why? How did that happen? I’m presuming the OP has a bank account-just change the rent/bills so that they come out of her account.